Being let down - Al-Anon Family Group

Hope2000 · Veteran Member

Being let down

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope2000:

I have no great wisdom except to say you are not alone. So many of us have felt just how you describe feeling. Do your best to put focus on yourself and not your H. Wishing you strength and support.

YF

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

It really is hard to keep it to ourselves. You told him - what is said is said. Does he get it? I doubt it. I truly think they just want to get what they want to get. Nothing or nobody is more important than drinking. I feel so bad for you and your daughter. Positive thoughts are being sent your way.

Hope2000 · Veteran Member

Thank you all for responding and listening. I did the right thing getting my frustrations out in this forum vs talking to him. I was angry, but what is really sad, is my daughter who is 9 almost 10, didn't even ask where he was. It's almost like she understands this is how he is and holds no expectations of him. I guess I really could learn from her. When I noticed she wasn't let down or heart broke, it instantly lifted my mood. We sang on the way home, stopped to get ingredients to make oreo balls for her Christmas party tomorrow at school and picked up dinner. I'm understanding that I don't need him to make me happy. I sure wish I had "that" with someone, but I really don't believe he will ever be that person for me. He's a great friend and will do anything for his friends and co-workers. Including not talking to me for days or seeing us. When he's home he is in constant contact with his friends and co-worker either via text or phone. It's like he would rather be anywhere but here, physically or emotionally. Since we've been home he's been on the phone with at least 3 different guys he just left work with. He's maybe been off the phone a total of 10mins, which is fine. It keeps me from smelling or hearing the alcohol. Jen61, you're correct...I told him, we talked.. there is nothing left to say that hasn't been said. I'm just now trying really hard to see this as a disease and not become angrier and even more bitter toward him. Thanks for the support. This forum saved my two kids from another night of mom & dad fighting.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

There is NO choosing anything over his addiction. He has a disease. If he gets on a program of recovery, that will be first. It has to be, its a matter of life and death for him.

Getting Them Sober volume one is a great book of truths. very cheap on amazon.

I am sad there are some truths that you will learn that will hurt. Nothing you say or do has any influence over this disease anymore than a common cold. He has to make his own decisions. He may want to not drink, but he may not be where he has a choice to not do so. It is a strong compulsion. He has to get so sick or get so tired of being sick, he would rather be on program than using.

It has zero to do with you or the kids. He still loves you, but he is not in control of himself, the disease has that.

So we have to learn skills to love them no matter what, and accept them as is, if we want to stay with them and be as ok as possible.

There is no use talking to him about his disease> he knows all too well. It really is none of our business and we make it worse if we try to make it so.

I know I know, but it affects you. however it is up to us to stay or go, we an do NOTHING to change the situation, except learn to take care of ourselves. Your kids will watch you. If you love daddy, and explain daddy is sick, but really doing his best, they will accept that. his relationship is his own with them. believe me kids know all too well what is going on.

Please keep coming. we care. love,debilyn

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

My goal this year for me was to get myself healthy. I needed to go to F2F meetings, found this site, read all the literature I could and did counseling. I now have two sponsors and have completed step 1. I was in denial of really how bad it was and thought I cannot do this anymore. I thought if I don't do it now I never will. I do feel stronger and have a semi plan of action if things do not get better with the A for MYSELF. I cannot constantly think about what if and what if. Those days are gone. The past is the past. I went to the online meeting last night and John shared. It was such a great share. The part the I liked the most was that when he said you let go of expectations you can take a breathe, inhale, exhale and relax. I tried it today and felt very calm. Take care.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.