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I wasn't gonna post this, but reconsidered bc some new folks might get a benefit from this bc I want to show just how MUCH this programme has worked for me...AND journalling out my "stuff" helps me move on as well.....I spoke w/my sponsor about this and she was like "OMG, you would in the past have let him come, out of some sort of duty to him and , again, abandon you and had a miserable time, been all negative and feeling victimized, but now you don't open you up to being smacked down, anymore" Wording is close enough, lol and she was proud of me...
My A brother called me....#1, he got his license back, $550 later and hes crying he has no food now for lunch (court was this am) so I said to him, "no worries, all the folks who help you, bet you are eating better then me b4 supper"....he kinda laughed and said "oh yea, i'll find someone to feed me".....
I am thinking but not saying "yea, the enablers will come out in force to absorb your problems...AS ususal" I did not say this but thought it
THEN he tells me he is coming out to see me.......NOT asking but tells me "I am coming out to visit"....I said " no you're not...I told you how i feel about active alcoholics....I can't handle it...won't handle it...." I reiterated my terms.....AA and sustained sobriety FIRST....THEN we talk about visit...
I told him I loved him, but will not accept a visit from one who for sure is gonna get drunk on me and NOOOOO this is NOT gonna happen............
I made it VERY clear that the only way i would think of a visit is he gets into AA., stays sober, working his program and is sober/clean for at LEAST a couple of years....
He got P***ED...I mean REAL angry bc I did "not want him" I said to him, that I left that sick scene years ago and am NOT EVER going back to dealing with a DRUNK....and I said it like that bc he was being snarky with me...
then he tells me to call the drivers license bureau and maybe they will sympathize with me......I told him that he needn't be sarcastic with me, I am sober, not losing my license, taking care of me and I will NOW take care of me by saying "bye bye , this phone call is not what I want to be in" and I hung up the phone....
SO...he goes to VM now until I feel that he is going to nice again.....
what I can control, I am gonna...I only can control me...my choices...my actions.....what i allow or disallow in my life.....this is MY life and I am taking care of me and my life....If he does not like it???? get over it or not...its NOT my problem, NOT my business...NOT in my realm of control......
I am not made of stone....I do love him, but ya know what??? I love me more.......I will no longer accept what is unacceptable to me......it hurts to reject a visit from him, to not be able to see him bc he chooses active alcoholism over programme.....it feels like crap that i have to do this....but I will get over it....my temporary disappointment now waaay supercedes the misery I would experience having to deal with a drunk.....even one who is nice to me.....NOT gonna happen......
I have built my life around peace, sobriety, healthy , right actions, healthy behaviour, I have worked hard in my program to get this far in my recovery ..I have only healthy, sober people in my life...People who treat me with the same respect that I give out... ...I no longer walk on egg shells, wondering when someone is gonna get drunk again and do God knows what......
Programme has helped me change soo much.....i used to accept drunks and their awful behaviour as "oh well its just part of my life...." it is NOT a part of my life unless I choose it.....but yea, i used to accept that....."oh well hes family...gotta make allowances" NO I DON"T....I don't have to put up with anything that gives me stress and unhappiness.....I just do not!!!! and I don't!!!! I tell me that I am my family, too...
b4 programme i knew no other way of life, but the dysfunctional kind....my low self esteem drew to me the drunks, dysfunctionals, abusers, emotionally unavailables, the walking wrecks...I thought it was my "job" to fix them, to help them all at the expense of my needs and wants...I looked for love in ALL the wrong places.....Now, thank God, I look within and things began to change....
Now I have discovered a new, healthy way i can live and interact with others and THIS is how it is gonna be for me.....I deserve it
He may not speak to me for who knows how long....That is ok....every action causes a reaction....My refusal to let him come , he may not want to talk to me......I am "ok" with that...It will feel bad, but if he disses me over my need to take care of me?? then, really, what am I losing????
thank you for reading and letting me share..........
-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 19th of December 2013 02:06:12 PM
-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 19th of December 2013 02:15:36 PM
-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 19th of December 2013 02:42:34 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I told my sponsor that i had reconciled myself the fact I most likely won't see him again in this life....so sad...so very very sad, but a am "ok" with it bc essentially i lost him to the drink, anyway....so what the hell??? its harder to mourn them when they are still walking, talking, but it is what it is...
and i have become healthier...i exercise my right of choice and my right to take care of me....
I do hope he has a nice Christmas somewhere with some one...he usually does get 'adopted" for the holidays by someone.....
i am going to TWO places this Christmas....it will be nice...
AND i got an old client called me and wants me back doing their books, so things are kinda "lookin" up for me...as I put out good energy to me and others, it shall come back...but love begins at "home" within me....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I stole this off Abraham Hicks posting I saw.....this is exactly where I am going...
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"And it is nice to have a human friend who holds you as their object of attention and adores you right into your connection. But we want you experience greater independence than that. We want you to say to you lovers, "I love you, but I don't live for you. Because Source Energy flows through me. You are a catalyst to my wellbeing, but you are not essential to my wellbeing. Because I've got that figured out on my own. I have reached for thoughts that give me relief. And I have relieved myself all the way into my full connection of who I really am. And now we can just dance and play together."
Can you feel how you take them off the hook? In other words, do you know how many men would flock to you.? (ALL OF THEM!) .if they knew that you would allow them to be as they are and you would not hold them responsible for your happiness.
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this applies to ANY relationship......Nobody is responsible for my happiness and well being but ME and my Higher Power.....little by little I am seeing that and today's exchange w/my best buddy, proved it......I love him, but my needs for as little stress as possible come first.......stress is my enemy....i have to do all i can to lessen it....otherwise i pay and who helped me during my recovery???? in regards to my family??? Nobody!!!! I helped me w/the help of programme, sponsors, and steps, and meetings and fellowshipping with other 12 steppers......
just wanted to show you all this exerpt....dunno who it may help, but there it is.....i saw it and thought how true it is for any relationship
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
A true gift of this program is to finally accept that" I am Master of My Ship." not anyone elses.
I am responsible for myself, my happiness and my choices. If I am responsible for me then others must be responsible for themselves and I no longer have to feel guilty for not taking care of them.
I am glad you received a call for additional work HP is at work.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of December 2013 08:17:09 PM
Thank you for the share. You working your program is shining though you. It's so sad not to have a relationship with family but I so much understand why it has to that way. I will not be having Christmas with my son. I pray he does have one though. You can also wish you brother a Blessed Christmas and maybe you will have him next Christmas. You never know what miracles can and will happen..
((((( hugs )))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you Neshema for sharing this in hopes that it could help some of us out here...this really has been helpful in what I've been going thru and thinking about lately:) Betty is right, HP is definitely at work...
HP is at work.