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It's been a while since I've posted or been to a f2f meeting. My ex A left over a year ago and moved 1400 miles away. He left me with no money, a house in foreclosure, a car that didn't run, bank account overdrawn, three kids at home and I was sick with lupus and on weekly injections of a chemotherapy medication. I turned to an old friend for help and I ended up in an intimate relationship with this friend. My new boyfriend has been a godsend for me and my children. He took us in and ended up buying a house for me and my children to live in so the kids could stay in their same school, and so we didn't end up in a homeless shelter. We are fixing the house up together, and he is supportive and responsible. My health has improved quite a bit, and I was able to get a part-time job. I love him, and will always be grateful to him for everything he's done. I really don't know what would have happened to me and my children without him. My ex is furious and tells my kids that the reason he can't return home or even visit his children is because of the new man in my life. He calls me a cheater and insults and denigrates me to our kids. He has sent only $1300 to support his children in the last year and we depend solely on my new bf and my part-time job, yet my ex carries on and on to our children that the break up of our family is entirely my fault and that he went out of state to earn money for the family and I kicked him while he was down, didn't help him etc.
I don't want to hurt my children by insulting their dad and telling them about all the ways his alcoholism and irresponsible behavior ruined our marriage, but it's so hard to not defend myself. I am ashamed to say that I fail in this area most of the time and end up defending myself against his insults. I don't want to put my kids in the middle, but I don't want my children thinking I'm totally to blame.
Now the ex has a new gf that gets on the phone every time I try to discuss the children with him. I am pretty sure she is an A also. When he calls the children, he puts her on the phone with them too. My children feel abandoned by him and don't want to talk to this woman who seems to have no boundaries and doesn't comprehend that this is none of her business. When I tell my ex she needs to butt out, he says that I have no business telling him what to do when I'm with another man and the kids see him regularly.
I broke the other day and had a texting war with the other woman. I had been discussing child support with my ex (which he still does not pay) and she started texting back from his phone in the middle of our conversation. I ended up calling her names and saying things I now regret. I just couldn't take it anymore!
My oldest daughter will be getting married this Spring and she doesn't want the other woman at the wedding, and she is very apprehensive about having her dad there because she's afraid he will get drunk and embarrass her. She is so torn up about this that it is ruining her wedding. She hasn't talked to her dad about it yet and she is very afraid of how he will react. Also, the ex "borrowed" thousands of dollars from our two oldest children over a year ago with the promise to pay them right back which he hasn't done. He continually makes excuses for this and keeps promising to pay them back but never does. There is always some crisis or situation out of his control that prevents him from paying them back.
I am so frustrated by all of this. I wish I could let go and not let it bother me, but the idea that my children will carry the scars of their father abandoning them and hearing only his version of things bothers me so much.
I know the answers to my problems. I need to Let Go and Let God, go to f2f meetings, get my kids counseling and keep my mouth shut etc. It's just sooooo hard!!!
Hugs, TTC. It sounds as if your children are well aware of your husband's problems, and I imagine no amount of blaming on his part will persuade them otherwise. Your oldest daughter is so well aware that she doesn't want him at her wedding. The others will not be blind either. Children knows what goes on even if no one has directly explained it. All you have to say (if you say anything at all) is, "Oh dear, alcohol." The rest they already know. I think you're safe in letting the subject drop, no matter what your ex tries to say.
It sounds as if they might benefit from going to Alateen, or Al-Anon if they are older than Alateen.
I don't know how hold they are, but it sounds as if they're all over ten -- ? In which case you don't have to run interference with the new woman and all on the phone. You can say, "It's all right for you to say goodbye when you've had enough or don't want to talk." But trying to control an A is like nailing Jell-O to a wall, as we've all found out.
I'm going through not something similar kind of sort of .. I can't get mine to let go. Although it's my fault he hasn't seen the kids and so on. I say this with an attitude of take what you like and leave the rest .. not trying to give advice you and your children deserve support. First off, don't know what state you live in go directly to the office where they help single parents collect support. I'm sure you would qualify for free help. If there is a court order already in place file contempt charges and actually the state office may do it for you. Personally, I didn't have these kids alone no way he's getting out of claiming his kids as his. Second off don't know how old your kids are mine are 9 and 14. They are in counseling and we are an open family. The reason for this is because dad is acting out. I try not to bash their dad at the same time if they have questions we talk about them or we have family counseling to put stuff on the table. Their dad started talking crazy one visitation weekend he told the kids I was having an affair with a married man from his job. They must have met him and so on .. it was so bad my children said he did nothing the whole visitation except focus on this .. it wasn't true ironically HE was the only having the affair with a married co worker. For me I'm married until I'm divorced only because I don't want to deal with the drama. I understand your situation. He knew he had me dead to right because I confronted the other woman (long story no Jerry Springer she walked into my world so I took it as it was a God thing) anyway, I sent the kids to the car they didn't witness anything literally one question and two statements I was out. Well HE was so stupid HE brought that up to the kids and they looked at him and said well we thought something was up mom sent us out to the car. So dad WHO IS this woman and what kind of FRIEND is she? Lol ... pink elephants don't live in our home. Anyway he was silent at that point and she's never come up again. My point, if this other woman is on the phone you have a right to end the conversation. Trust me I would state .. when you can talk about the kids without disturbance then we can talk about the kids. I would keep a note pad by the phone document what was said and what you said date it and time. Ideally text would be better. If you are not divorced yet you can set boundaries in the divorce decree that you and he will be the only parties talking about the kids. Honey, she's the flavor of the week maybe month .. you don't want to triangulate with those two whack-a-doos. I try not to beat the kids over the head with things .. the reality is their dad is not ok and does the best he can. His best sucks right now and we can pray that at some point .. he gets better and can engage on a healthier level. When children are involved you can only detach to a point .. my behavior speaks volumes and his lack of interest tells another story of what is going on. I feel sorry for him. Mine actually said to co workers recently .. he wanted to make it work and I refused .. umm .. all he had to do was let me know when the first marriage counseling session was .. I never heard. Lol. He will burn out and up when it comes to the stories. 6 months and no contact with the kids .. so sad AND on him! Hugs .. yes go to meetings get a sponsor and work the steps. I can tell he's not going to make this easy for you. Hugs again.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Welcome back and I'm glad you're here. When things like this happen and I feel the way you describe, I step up my meetings and program. Do your children work a program? I can relate and my daughter lived and lives through this. Time for another look at expectations, acceptance, and what brings serenity to you.
If your fear is put aside for a moment - and I don't know the ages of your children- at some point their relationship with their dad is their responsibility and their choice. It is also his responsibility and choice in what he establishes with them.
My daughter strives to work through her anger and abandonment issues- no small thing! Progress not perfection. It is a lifetime of recovery to embrace ODAT. It brought us closer and we are blessed and I am grateful.
In my experience with my exAH, my conversations were often one sided- he was not interested in listening and I can only control myself. It came to a point that I realized and accepted that he was going to do whatever he was going to do. His active AW answers his cell phone, responds to his emails, etc. and the two of them generate tons and tons of nasty crazy-making. It seems to me that any time I focus on them, I feed the disease. I no longer challenge myself to interact with them and try to remain sane. When there is an encounter, I do not engage in an argument; I make an exit as quickly as possible. It's been a long road and I finally have come to a place where what they think is no longer important to me.
I can relate to. When I am hearing provocation in the voice of my soon to be ex ('the reason I have no money is we are now supporting two households, how did we get to this place, all I have ever tried to do was be good to people, etc etc'), I say this mantra in my head: 'do not react; do not react; do not react'. Last night he was starting and there was one point when I caved and started to respond--luckily for me he interrupted me! Not rude--a lifesaver and a reminder NOT TO ENGAGE. Very very difficult, especially when there is history with someone, whether it is positive, negative, or a mix of the two.
Sending you lots of support and strength and happy to hear that you have a new chaos-free life unfolding! Do not react! Do not react!
Thank you all so, so much for the great support! All of you have offered me valuable gems in this thread that I WILL rely on and put to use.
I am determined to find my serenity and help my children find theirs as well without trying to work their program for them. My youngest two are 17 and 11 and after the holidays we will be starting counseling.
Bless you all for responding and giving me encouragement. This disease is a doozy and right now it is kicking my behind.
