REELING! Completely abandoned reality - is this common? Confused/Scared, really need some comfort - Al-Anon Family Group

breamanic665 · Member

REELING! Completely abandoned reality - is this common? Confused/Scared, really need some comfort

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

blankstare This isn't a band-aid response, this is a bandage... is this a phase? A tight sharp glitch? Or is it really the beginning of the end for a relationship? I would be grabbing the serenity prayer and embracing it. What a betrayal in the face of the Happy Season! Oh my goodness! My human heart is with you... take lots and lots of care... aww

DavidG.

breamanic665 · Member

i cry so much and my stomach hurts with worry. my only dilemma is that i believe he may have started doing drugs now too. i wonder if i should tell his mother, even though we don't have much contact. i dont think she would do anything about it anyway. he left our home to live with her when he lost his last job. she said she would get him into treatment but that was 2 months ago.

i feel all alone in being the only one knowing how off the rails he is. like a great secret keeper or the burden holder. i want to lay the burden down. i dont want to feel responsible for this knowledge. I want relief now too. I love him so very much.

Thank you for your words DavidG.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like something my ex used to do, tell me how terrible he was so that I would jump through hoops, change my plans, trying to convince him he was wrong, worthy, loved, etc. Seemed to happen on the heels of me doing something fun - perhaps as a way to ruin my fun, or make it all about him. Perhaps my plans took my attention from him and his "meltdowns" were his way to put him back in the center of my attention.

breamanic665 · Member

he knows he is always at the center of the attention. theres no way he would feel the need to get more of my attention. i think in some way he really hopes ill go away. like im the last thing that holds him into some semblance of obligation. when i tried to tell him i would never believe those things about him, he would just hang up. he kept telling me he loved me, but that he had no heart. it was so insane.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Dear breamanic665

This too shall pass.
It is like a roller coaster ride in complete darkness, so many ups and downs and bends and you have no idea what is next.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. My dear friend you can not change the fact that those words were spoken. It is also not for us to bare their troubles.
Courage to change the things I can. You are here, please keep coming back and let us all share our E/S/H so that you know you are not alone. Courage is sharing.
Wisdom to know the difference.
When the emotions have run their course and I begin to focus on me, I find peace one day at a time.
Breathe and know you did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it. It is a baffling disease to all of those exposed to it.
Do find a face to face meeting if you are able.

Much love and support

M

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dearest Brea, how frightening for you!

My experience is, we need to remember how very sick they are. More important, how very strong WE are. We sure cannot make anyone do anything we want, we cannot expect to understand what makes anyone do or say anything.

My A loved to do this stuff to get attention. Cause a huge uproar and have everyone freaking out about where he is, is he suicidal, does he mean this.

No one in their right mind acts like this. Please think about Al Anon skills. Take care of you. When we learn to let them go from our hanging on to their insanity, we feel better.

That is totally a disease talking. Just does not matter what was said. Would you just call someone and expell that?

The whole key of Al Anon is to dismiss the A's bolony, allow him or her the dignity to follow what ever they want to do. Myself I would for ME, pack up his stuff and put it away. Do what is sane for you.

He is an adult, he can figure it out, he has to.

Keep coming here, we care. Please don't believe i don't get what is making you feel so confused etc. been there. But thru Al anon here at mip, I learned how good it felt to let his stuff go, and concentrate on my home, work, animals, kids whatever. He has the right to make his own choices.

We hanging onto the nothing, makes us so very ill.

Lots of love! Debilyn

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes I think this is very common. Ive read that alcoholism is partly due to immaturity, little children like to be dramatic and throw these grand gestures into the air and I tend to agree with likemyheart this looks like a huge attention seeking act to divert you away from your fun plans. He may have gotten jealous of these, he wants to be at the forefront of your mind.

Before Alanon, when my ex done this kind of thing I thought I was in an romantic book, I fell for it because I wanted to believe that it was only me who understood him, it was only me who could get through to him, this behavior fed into my ego and my own insecurities. It took me a lot of work on myself to see this though.

Alcoholics are very good at manipulating, they have got to be to feed their disease so I would carry on with my plans, enjoy yourself, if he contacts you tell him he will find AA in the phone book.x

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

DavidG wrote:
I would be grabbing the serenity prayer and embracing it. What a betrayal in the face of the Happy Season! Oh my goodness! My human heart is with you... take lots and lots of care...
DavidG.

agree....so sorry but ya know???? sometimes when folks tell us who they are, we maybe need to believe them......take care :(

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This does sound like crystal meth induced psychosis to me that is probably coupled with alcoholism. that does not make it acceptable and you are not responsible for his addiction. you are not responsible for trying to get him help and there is no secret for you to tell his family because he is doing what he wants right now. let him go to his own higher power which is not you. Pray to your own higher power just to make healthy choices and have healthy relationships for yourself.

MaestraJ · Member

This is the addict talking. Much like when my brother told me he was saying goodbye for the last time so he could commit suicide. These are cries for help, but moreover, cries for attention. They need to be heeded in a very cautious and guarded manner. You must protect yourself. I would mention to his mother that you are very worried about him and wish him the best.

breamanic665 · Member

The only substances Ive ever known him to ingest are pain killers and alcohol. But I do know he struggles with untreated bi-polar disorder. he has only recently been put back on his zoloft and it's a third of the dosage he was taking.

He has contacted me a few times since this post. He maintains that we need to not be in a relationship right now, that he has many things to work on but that he still loves me. His "mood" has passed but he still says he is not a good person, just been good to me the best he could be because he loves me. He told me that our relationship is like a job he cant fulfill right now. He said it's all wonderful in the beginning when you fall in love but then you realize that love is work, and he has to put work into other areas of his life because he is crazy and out of control. Yet he is still calling me every day, came by the house yesterday when Im usually coming home from work, but I was delayed. It's very confusing to me. He acts like this big blow up didnt happen, but maintains that we cant be in a relationship right now. I guess one day at a time. I guess take big steps back? I guess??? Im going to meeting tonight, my first face to face.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

To me- based on the way my ABF has behaved in the past (we couldn't be in a relationship for a long time yet he turned up at my house every single night and stayed) it sounds like he has sensed that you are gaining some strength and this is his way of putting a stop to it. By creating a completely unnacceptable relationship where you are not "together" (because he "just cant handle that") yet he is constantly checking to make sure that you are still his...sounds to me like a way to make sure that he and his disease are firmly in control of you. If you're miserable and confused all the time, "waiting" for him to decide he wants to be together, then you aren't working on you and that might be exactly what he wants- if he's anything like my A, that is. As others have said, they need to be the center of attention and the fact that he is coming around every day to see you just absolutely confirms that in my mind. It sounds like a tactic to make sure he has you exactly where he wants you. The rest sounds like smoke and mirrors. To me, anyway.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Brea you reminded me of something. I have seen this behavior before.

A's always have in the back of their minds that they need a landing place. No one wants to go down alone, so they manipulate people to get them not to give up on them, but yet I love you even though I cannot do MY part, I want you to do yours for me....bolony.

I hope this makes sense. Just becuz he wants to play and drink and not be responsible, that does not mean he wants to completely let go of you so he can use you. the disease actually not him.

time for boundaries to protect you.

It has to all be your decision. do you want a person around you who manipulates?

do you want this person calling you, meeting you at your home?

Ugh the pulling away then pulling you back in is insanity. complete insanity. And it will make you nutz in time also.

Al Anon encourages us to stop thinking about them, and think about what we want. Other wise the disease will take us down!

Keep coming!!!! please. this is confusing for you and the disease is very strong. we are here for you!! debilyn

breamanic665 · Member

Melly,

I really identified with what you said. It seems like since I have been placing boundaries in our relationship, he played along and then panicked, and pulled this on me. The calls were so many, I would say obessive, to the point where I couldnt get five minutes peace. Then, after I was laughing saying "Wow for someone who never wants to be with me, you sure seem like you can't get enough of talking to me" he decided to make plans with me for Friday to go to my Aunt's bday thing. Then he canceled last minute and I didn't hear from him all weekend. Refer to my most recent post, but basically I didn't engage in the cycle. I didn't call him or ask what was going on or text or anything.

I think it comes back to him knowing he isnt good for me right now in his state. He wants to go off and do his own thing, but of course he would love for me to be waiting on him. I can't do it anymore. I've waited on him enough. He broke up with me. He made the choice, not me. Now Im making a choice to not engage in this cycle, give myself some breathing room, not let him hurt me again. Like a yo-yo or a roller coaster! Im taking my string back from his hand.

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds to be like you are handling it really well! I'm only just learning to stay silent and not react myself. Of course I don't know your A but I know mine takes my silences and lack of reactions as an invitation to up the ante. So he might either completely ignore me for weeks until I eventually crack, or else suddenly become Mr Romantic and lavish me with attention until I get comfortable and happy...and then suddenly turn on me again leaving me devastated. Or else suddenly decide to "get sober" and demand my loving care 24-7 until he decides he doesn't want to be sober anymore. I don't know if your A is as manipulative as that, but maybe be careful and commit to caring for yourself and working your program no matter what he does? 45 calls in 3 days should tell you pretty clearly that you are a very big part of his life, and also that he is extremely messed up and unlikely to give you anything healthy or truly loving in his current state.
I wish you serenity and strength

Tricia911 · Senior Member

breamanic665,

Sometimes making a conscious decision to do nothing is the best course of action.

You take care of you and let his HP take care of him.

You are really growing!

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