Not sure what to do or think - Al-Anon Family Group

ditto · Senior Member

Not sure what to do or think

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Ditto and welcome back. As you might already know about alcoholism: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. So if he is going to drink and not take care of his diabetes, what you YOU do? Get yourself to your local Al-Anon meetings, if you haven't done so already. Time to stop checking up on your husband and to instead put the focus on you. Sending you support as you face a difficult time in your marriage.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

HI Ditto
Welcome :)

First round is denial.
Glad you are here.
He may or he may not.
Please take care of you.

In support
M

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you know several things here. One is that he does have a drinking problem. They often define this as "keeping on doing the thing despite the fact that it causes problems." The second thing is that he is in denial. It seems easy when we realize that: "I'll just explain it to him and then he'll understand!" But the definition of denial is refusing to understand. The compulsion alters their thinking and they will deny till the cows come home.

So I think you know what you're up against. Next step, meetings?

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Meetings and reading lots of books. I was in denial of my husband's denial for a long time. Then it finally hit me like a ton of bricks.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jen61 wrote:
Meetings and reading lots of books. I was in denial of my husband's denial for a long time. Then it finally hit me like a ton of bricks.

add the steps with a good sponsor to this and also practicing the slogans and you will be on your way to reclaiming your life....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is for me totally none of my business. What they do is not up for our evaluation. There is nothing we can do anyway. yes it is horrible watching them kill themselves. My uncle had diabetes and did the same.He died in his fifties.

The denial is very present in your life. Of course he is having problems, whether he is A or not, a broken leg is a broken leg. He has a problem whether it is he is an A or is self medicating. who knows.

We cannot do or say anything. He will eat what he does. We are not their parent, he is an adult and has a choice of how he wants to live. He may not be able to bring to fruit what his choice is, meaning sometimes one want to stop but cannot yet. They have to be ready on their own.

I am so sad for you both. Meetings, support group, friends, family, please make sure you get what you need. If you two get along and enjoy each other you may want to glean this precious time where he is still healthy enough to.

hugs hugs,debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back. I, too, agree that meetings will be a benefit to you whether or not your husband continues to drink. One of the signs that we are in trouble is when we start checking on how much our loved one is drinking. It really isn't our job to do that, but we feel compelled to do it. Al-anon helps us learn to detach from our loved ones by focusing on ourselves and living our lives without checking up on the drinker. It doesn't really do us any good anyway. You found one bottle. There could be bottles hidden in the garage, under the car seat, at his place of business. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out how much they've been drinking or we can go into denial by thinking that what they're drinking isn't so bad. Maybe, we're just making too much of it?.

Without a formal program of recovery from the affects of this disease ourselves, things go from hard to harder for us. Keep coming back, too. We've all been through some of what you are describing. Please attend Al-Anon meetings, too. They are a good means of helping us live our own lives in peace.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Ditto)))) ...welcome back girl. It's ironic to me that your sign on is "Ditto" which can and does at time mean duplication which is what I did...I got away from the addict and in time found and alcoholic and then got away from the alcoholic and married an alcoholic/addict....ditto. I learned in Al-Anon that it wasn't so much about their compulsion and addiction as it was mine and I am compulsed to having problems with people who have problems with mind and mood altering chemicals. I use to think that even if the person I was around didn't have a problem just being around me would cause them to and then that's bs still it's my disease that I have to protect myself from. They gave relapses and so do we...amazing that your husband seems to have so much in common with your former husband including you. You didn't cause this, can't control it or cure it and you can do good stuff for yourself which has been suggested here. Wishing you well ((((hugs)))) smile

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