The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Do you get this sometimes? this confusion, when you think about the merry-go-round, when the fighting is over, when you stepped out or were forced due to circumstances to walk away?
Sometimes I think, wow, how crazy we both were. then I think, how crazy he was for accusing me of things that are not me. Then I think, oh my god, in some things he was right. Anger and Guilt are constantly fighting a battle of superiority, and I'm thorn in between. I think that is the feeling that makes a co-dependent often go back to his A or abuser. then again i'm completely aware, that you can only let yourself abuse IF and WHEN you are not walking away after the first RED FLAG or factual incident. then guilt is again there. then my self-worth is waking up somewhere deep deep inside and is calling for justice,'how dare he...'
I am little shaky right now, about all those If's and When's, feeling guilty, (what if he is also hurt?? i know, this doesn't make much sense after all that has happened... i read in a book yesterday, that a 'rescuer' in the drama triangle, or the 'Nice Girl' still always manages to feel more compassion for the abuser than for herself, that I can still feel with him..or think I should or could....THAT's quite insane!!!) yet also angry and happy to stand far away from him right now. I guess that's the ambiguous aftereffect of loving a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type.you love the one for his qualities, you are scared and hate the one that just ran over you like a bulldozer.
Does this ambiguity decrease with time....because right now I'm just riding this roller-coaster of feelings myself. Wow, I wonder what happened to that girl, loooooong time back , when Mr. Hyde would have been invisible to her at all and wouldn't have stood a chance to be noticed AT ALL.
I so get this and totally relate! I'm sure there are many others who can, as well.
They get practiced in manipulating our triggers and we get practiced in becoming more vulnerable to the manipulation. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that effects everyone in contact. It feeds off of anger and guilt, and, it erodes well being and self esteem. It took me a long time to realize that I saw myself distorted through a sick person's eyes- and that I have the choice to detach and see myself as who I am and not through someone's sick eyes. Breaking the pattern is a process of practicing the 12 steps and using new skills for healthier patterns and rebuilding self esteem. If you aren't already, attend Alanon meetings and keep working the steps. The program does work and the ambiguity decreases as I work the program- I've seen it work for others and experienced life improvement in myself (and I still have a long way to go, but I know that I'm in the right direction). It does feel awkward at first, and because it's something new, it's uncomfortable. But the results speak volumes and practicing healthier ways of thinking does feel better.
In my experience, they throw out a hook, sometimes randomly, sometimes because it's elicited a response before. Maybe there is an element of truth or possibility in the distortion. I have a choice; biting the bait means that I swallow the hook (that's attached to the line and sinker). Checking in with members in aAanon and working through things I can separate what truly belongs on my side of the street. The stuff that doesn't belong can get removed. The stuff that's mine can be embraced and improved- this is part of my self care.
It wasn't easy for me, but I now lovingly give myself the gift of walking away, hand in hand with my HP, from a harmful situation.
In support
-- Edited by bud on Tuesday 17th of December 2013 11:31:58 PM
-- Edited by bud on Tuesday 17th of December 2013 11:59:04 PM
It sometimes even goes as far, that when I have removed myself from the situation, I may think that I have imagined it all, that the situation wasn't that bad... that I might have overreacted. Have to remember FACTS FACTS FACTS.... for these thoughts are crazy-making!!!!
I relate to these thoughts so very much and it is a whirlpool feeling when they are battling in my head.
I think (and hope) that as my self esteem is restored I will be able to be a little more objective. If I was my own best friend I might have tremendous compassion and affection for the girl who fought so hard to make things right and I would take pride in her determination and loyalty. I might manage to see that it was my husband's dis-ease and pain that lashed out and caused pain to himself and those around him. He did not want to do these things. As my own best friend all I can really do is smile lovingly and give these folk a hug! (I'm not sure who the gremlin is that is whispering that I throw a molotov cocktail instead - but I don't think it is a wise gremlin!) As my own best friend I might be cheering from the sidelines as I see these two people walking taller. Can you imagine the WTF expressions on their faces??!! A bit like the ending of a disaster movie when the dazed crowd emerge from the rubble! Anyway, my next steps include taking the 'if' words out of the above scenario and actually living it to the best of my ability.
When I was in the thick of it with AH I started to journal every day and that helped me to see what was happening. It helped me to see how I could step away from abuse, his and the abuse that I was giving myself. When I was a young girl my mother once commented that the person that I got most angry with was myself. How right she was! So my current battles are, I think, the child in me expressing herself again - her hurt, dismay and anger at the fact that she didn't feel valued and was not defended more strongly. I'm trying to show that child that I love her and that she can stand on her own two feet (I've even put a picture of her on my desk to remind me). I am thinking of the 'teach a man to fish' story as I write that. I'm learning to fish!
I AM changing and while I sometimes swing too far in the opposite direction I know that my instincts are often right and I think that I have some new wisdom, hard learnt, but still mine to apply!
Totally relate and I have to remember that the choices I make with my rational mind far outweigh the choices I make with my emotional mind set. Just the facts Jack and that's where I have to say .. I don't have to own the whole situation I only have to own my part. Guilt does serve a purpose .. it is a change motivating emotion. THAT is a good thing .. the bad thing is getting stuck in the guilt, shame, anger and so on. Feelings are neither good or bad they just are .. and they are there to help us grow.
Much of what I deal with is telling myself I deserve the treatment and the negative feelings that I'm experiencing. Or somehow it's ALL my fault! So it's just one of those deals that I'm learning that I only need to deal with my own stuff not take on the world.
Hugs .. distance, perspective and healing all play a factor in how much or how little things now affect me.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I also relate to the second guessing- because I've been kept off balance for so long, I forgot how to trust myself. Not trusting magnifies everything- including my vivid imagination which can get me into trouble. Facts do not lie, feelings (especially fear can). I'm in Fact Training 101- I am trying to remember to ask myself- "is this fact?" "did this happen yet or is it my or someone else's fear talking?"
I'm glad that you're acting to keep yourself safe and serene even if you do start having self-doubts. When I step aside and let the tornado pass, it's easier to detach with love when I can observe from a safe place. I think I actually had survivor's guilt for a while too- I thought I had an obligation to stay in the storm- was it fair for me to be able to step away while he spun out of control? I have come to believe that stepping away is the kindest thing that I can do for everyone; for myself to protect my serenity and for not feeding his disease by being present.
I like Milkwood's suggestion for journaling. I wasn't able to do it for many years for fear that my abusive exAH would find it. I do journal now.
-- Edited by bud on Wednesday 18th of December 2013 11:45:16 AM
Dr. Jekyl/ Mr. Hyde. I can so relate. Sigh.
As the disease becomes more and more progressive it gets more and more manipulative. Separating the person from the disease becomes increasingly difficult. I do have compassion for the person who is suffering from the disease. I also love myself enough to realize when the disease slithers its way onto my side of the street its time to hit the program harder.
Awareness is key to acceptance.
Its the aftershock tremors I feel. I am still in the process of separating myself from it all. Letting go and let God. Trusting HP for bringing you through it and find a better way to live.
