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When AH and I met, it was at a bar. As many ppl in their 20's ish age group do, we started going out on dates ordering dinners and wine, drinking at home, going out to bars, drinking at friends parties, throwing our own parties, etc. Nothing too crazy but all get-togethers would involve booze. We did this for years, and I definitely feel I was drinking too much at this time. However as time went on I grew out of drinking so much and after like 1-2 glasses of wine I naturally developed a feeling in me that would be like, "that's enough, stop drinking now, you don't want to feel icky or spinny/drunk or sick later or bad tomorrow." I did not like the feeling of feeling drunk. So I would stop.
AH never developed this. He would even sort of egg me on and be like, "you don't get drunk anymore; you're no fun anymore." When AH stopped drinking (dry - not in a program) about 4 months ago it was after a drunken debacle that ended with him passed out in his own vomit in his uncle's yard, and then puking all over my car on the way home, incoherent and a mess, argumentative, assholish and well, drunk - you know the drill. This was following years of nightly heavy drinking. Anyhow, his father (who had/has a drinking problem himself, but as an adult had quit for a while, managed it better, and recently felt he was starting to drink a bit too much again) was there with us that night, and his father said to AH the next morning that AH needed to stop drinking and his father said that he would support him in not drinking by not drinking himself, since father felt he was slipping into drinking too much himself. And, having not been to Al-Anon I stated that I would not drink either, in support. Had I known then what I know, thanks to Al-Anon, I would not have made this promise. I now know that AH's behavior is is his own responsibility and not mine, at all.
Obviously I am not going to sit around my house drinking bottles of wine in front of my AH. It seems sort of mean. But I haven't had so much as a glass of wine out with a girlfriend at dinner, which I would normally have done. How much of me changing my drinking behavior is an attempt to control his behavior? I would say all of it. By not drinking I am attempting to control and prevent his drinking. I think that if he sees me drinking or hears that I have been drinking he will immediately be jealous and it will be his green light to try to "just drink moderately this time" which he has failed at too many times to count. And I don't want to be his green light. Am I creating sort of an artificial environment in which to try to keep him sober? Just delaying the inevitable? That is what I would say, if I am being honest, since he is not working any program especially.
Should I just do what I want and not worry about him? Probably. But I got myself into this mess. And the feeling that comes up if I think about me drinking is a feeling of fear, that the end will be near, because he will not be able to maintain being dry and he will see it as an excuse to drink. And I want to ward off that possibility as long as possible. So I am controlling him, right? Argh.
ESH welcome. Sort of thinking out loud here. Thanks for reading.
Eventually a recovering alcoholic will have to be around drinkers at times, because it's unavoidable in our culture. That said, walking into a bar is a bad idea for an alcoholic. Having alcohol close at hand is a bad idea for an alcoholic.
It's a bad idea (as we've all experienced) to expect to or try to control an alcoholic. On the other hand, drinking in front of someone who's new to recovery is indeed an invitation to disaster.
It sounds as if you both were going hard on the drinking in your early days. And now you're finding that you miss alcohol. I wonder if it has more of a hold than you'd like it to?
My thought is that you might think about not drinking not as an attempt to make your A's life stronger, but to make your own life stronger.
Alcoholism is in my family. My son and most of my siblings are heavy drinkers. To me, booze in the house or booze in my hand is paying Russian Roulette with my health and the health of my family. I do drink a Bailey's in a restaurant once every year or so if I go out to a Christmas dinner with some friends of mine who I know don't have an alcohol problem. I think that drinking home alone is a dangerous thing. I also think that having alcohol in the house knowing that alcoholism and drug addiction surrounds me in family and x-laws is also dangerous business. I don't see myself as trying to control other people's drinking. I do see myself as being prudent and wise. I also don't miss drinking and don't think about it. I find it easy to say no when its offered. I also find it easy to ask for a Coke or Pepsi when I'm at a wedding reception with an open or cash bar. I also choose a soda or water whether I pay for it or somebody else does at outdoor events.
When my husband entered rehab, I removed all of the alcohol as I wanted to support my husbands recovery. I don't drink so it did not matter to me. I thought if I were a diabetic and had to look at chocolate cake, pies, or peanut butter cups on the counter, I would be tempted to have a taste. I was not trying to control his drinking, because I knew from my recovery that i could not, but I did not want to make it difficult for him, either. These are good issues for you to consider and it may lead you to some interesting places within you.
This is a tough one....being alone and NO intentions of ever hooking up w/anyone with substance abuse, I do have , since it was given to me oh, 2-3 weeks ago, a jug of wine...Chablis I think....I have had 3 glasses out of it since....it is my house....bills paid by me.....my rules...my den......and I do like a wine cooler every now and again.
IF my A brother, say, were to visit me, I think i would do the "non drinking" thing b/c i don't want to rub his nose in it...(I can drink..you cannot) I think out of courtesy to my A brother if i should allow a visit (WHEN and IF he gets into AA------not holding breath waiting for him to get into programme) but to drink in front of one who is trying to stop...be sober....to me would be kinda unfair...
now when A's have been in the program for a while, they seem not to care as much and they can "stand it" when they are at a function where others are drinking b/c they have re-trained their thinking and they don't care so much......
i remember when my AH#2 quit smoking....he went through torture when being around folks who smoked, until he was acclimated as a non smoker, then he didn't care......not sure this helped, but i think that the one who is in recovery trying to clean up, should have all the support they can get to STAY clean/sober......just my take....please use what u can and discard the rest........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Good thoughts, N. I will have a glass of wine with a friend occasionally..it is not a never sort of thing for me. And my husband and I did go to a bar this past summer while in his hometown in ND to meet up with his old friends (all alcoholics). We had a great time not drinking with them, just enjoying their company. I had no concerns that my husband would be tempted to join in, and he was not. The other neat thing was, since, his friends knew he stood strong in his recovery, there was no pressure from them for him to have "just one". We talked about the situation beforehand and made a joint decision that if either of us had any discomfort we would leave. In his early years of recovery, I would not have accompanied him, and, I am not sure he would have gone, either.
Having said all this, I also know that tomorrow could be a very different day One day at a time....
I often find myself thinking this exact same thing, except for my situation, it is my boyfriend who has yet to acknowledge his addiction to pot. He smokes once a day (more on the weekends) which is a cut back from as soon as he came home from work and through bedtime, which is what he used to do. When we first started dating a year and a half ago, I smoked with him (though not nearly as much) and never thought anything of it because I had never met someone addicted to pot like he is. It is only when we moved in together and it became the biggest bone of contention between us that I realized he was as symptomatic of addiction as my alcoholic mother, opiate addicted brothers, and gambling father.
I haven't smoked pot in over 7 months in an effort to stop giving him my approval of the activity. Is it right of me to do this? I don't know.
It's right for you, Maestra. We can carry the message of living drug and alcohol free if we choose. That doesn't mean others will choose that lifestyle. It will attract others who live life free of drugs and alcohol. It also means we will mature emotionally but the drug user will not. Whatever age somebody started using drugs or alcohol is pretty much the emotional age they will stay at until they stop using and start learning to live life on life's terms. Al-Anon and AA and NA all help us grow away from things and people who are harmful to us and towards things and people who are better for us if we work the program. My x wouldn't give up pot. He was still smoking it when his heart muscle (possibly brittle from pot smoking) blew out in his chest. No surgery would have saved him. When he died, he was pretty much at the same maturity level as a late teen. He was 51.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 17th of December 2013 08:41:55 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 17th of December 2013 08:43:03 PM
My 2 cents is whatever decision brings you the most serenity for today. Sounds like the debate of "to drink or not to drink" is stressful in itself right now. Options seem to be either 1) don't drink and be bummed about it or 2) drink and be paranoid about it. It's difficult to know the right answer but will get easier with time. I now drink around my mom without any thought (she has 11yrs sober). I say turn it over to HP in whatever way you can and when the time is right you'll know what to do :) #easydoesit #keepthefocusonyourself
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"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." --Helen Keller
Eventually a recovering alcoholic will have to be around drinkers at times, because it's unavoidable in our culture. That said, walking into a bar is a bad idea for an alcoholic. Having alcohol close at hand is a bad idea for an alcoholic.
It's a bad idea (as we've all experienced) to expect to or try to control an alcoholic. On the other hand, drinking in front of someone who's new to recovery is indeed an invitation to disaster.
It sounds as if you both were going hard on the drinking in your early days. And now you're finding that you miss alcohol. I wonder if it has more of a hold than you'd like it to?
My thought is that you might think about not drinking not as an attempt to make your A's life stronger, but to make your own life stronger.
Sorry for posting this and then not checking in for so long - thank you for all of your replies and ESH - gives me a lot to think about.
Mattie, especially, I have thought long and hard about this. As of right now I remain sober in support of AH. When in doubt, wait. So I am just going to wait. But I do feel that when I started out not drinking in support of him, the motivation behind my behavior was to control his behavior, which I didn't know yet that I could not do! And I continue to decide now, even when I am out with a friend and AH is not present, not to drink because I think my having a drink will be a gateway for him to resume drinking, so again, my motivation has nothing to do with me, but is an effort to have an effect on him.
One day at a time....