The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I received another one of those "my life is crumbling around me" texts yesterday from my son, a 28-year old "dry drunk" addict - no crystal meth use for almost 8 years now, but he does use alcohol and some grass, and of course he doesn't go to meetings and he doesn't work a program. Much if not all of what caused the crumbling comes from bad or ill-informed decisions he's made on his own. I keep reminding myself that it's not my son but the disease that's talking, preventing him from seeing clearly, but it still hurts a lot. He lives about 1,500 miles away from me - we haven't had a loving, father-son, happy conversation in months.
I remember when I begged God to lift the addiction from my son - God did, and my son has been free of crystal meth (as far as I know) for almost 8 years now - but after rehab he never went to meetings and never acknowledged that there might be better ways to do things than his way - there have certainly been some positives, including no crystal meth use, but it's been a generally rocky road watching him bounce from mistake to mistake.
For a long time I was a financial enabler, "helping" him with loans that were never repaid - while I always realized that I wasn't really helping him, a few months ago I finally found the strength to stop enabling him financially.
His demeanor over the past few days has degraded very quickly - based on how I'm reading what he's had to say, even understanding that some addicts "awful-ize" everything, I am deeply concerned about his mental state and that he could do something bad to himself - his texts have been all negativity and nothing but "my life is terrible" and "I don't want to talk to anyone" stuff - maybe he's heading to a bottom - I don't know - I do know that I've doubled my attendance at AlAnon meetings, and I am praying almost constantly through the day for wisdom and strength for both of us - even though I already have the wisdom part - I know what I need to do - I just need the strength to do it - I need to back off and allow God to work - I have ALWAYS had a problem doing that - with everything in my life.
So, as to the guidance I asked for, I think what I need to do here is simply honor his request for no contact - right?
And as far as the sanity check I asked for, I am pretty sure that I'm not going through anything or feeling any differently than any of you guys have been through - right?
It's so hard to know that this is happening. I'm glad you are working your program hard. No one should have to do this without huge support.
I guess if I were in your shoes, what I would just do is send him a message along the lines of "You know I love you and always want the best for you. I'm here to give you a hug when you need one." (Or whatever the wording would be for you. My aim was to try to convey moral support without implying that money would be forthcoming.)
Standing back when people make their own choices is one of the hardest things ever. Take good care of yourself. I hope you'll keep coming back.
I agree completely with the last statement in your post
texas yankee wrote
- I do know that I've doubled my attendance at AlAnon meetings, and I am praying almost constantly through the day for wisdom and strength for both of us - even though I already have the wisdom part - I know what I need to do - I just need the strength to do it - I need to back off and allow God to work - I have ALWAYS had a problem doing that - with everything in my life.
So, as to the guidance I asked for, I think what I need to do here is simply honor his request for no contact - right?
Keep coming back here as well and know you are powerless but not alone.
You are doing so well and like me making progress but not yet, never will be perfect. Its so hard to listen to the 'poor me's' as parents we want to make it better but we have learned that we cant and trying only makes it worse. Keep setting the good example and stick to your boundaries.x
For me, one of the many, many things that make this so tough is that I know, in addition to a lot of beautiful, worthwhile qualities he has, he's a VERY smart guy - Gifted and Talented in HS and all that stuff - but now, knowing that a smart person is locked inside of him behind this freaking disease - that is so hard to see, and it's gotta be hard for him to realize - if his affliction lets him realize it, instead of just believing the excuses that his disease produces for him.
I may never know for sure, but I imagine part of what's causing him so much pain is him knowing that he is smart and loving and sensitive and all that other good stuff, but getting through the disease to let the smart guy come out is nearly impossible, without a program to help him find the way.
At least I have two AlAnon meetings to go to tonight . . . .
I'm his Dad - his mother and I have been divorced for a long time - a big part of the problem is his Mom, so he says - but I do like the simple response - "Love, Dad".
Texas yankee, Im so glad you're here. I too am in a very similar situation. I allowed my addict son who is on methadone maintenance to move back home 2 wks ago when he said he was living in a van. I prayed on it and felt it was right for me to do. In that two weeks I began to find things hadn't changed, he was still lying, stealing etc. After 2 arrests in a weeks time I told him my home was no longer an option. I too struggle because I'm a parent!! I love my kids, sometimes to a fault, and I cross over ino enabling, as cunning and baffling s it is. I too have spent much of the day crying off and on in the bathroom at work, and pray, pray, pray for guidance and for God to just walk with me. I know now that I got right in Gods way allowing him to park it here along with all of his stolen goods he would carry in secretly while I was sick etc. I got thru last night with the help of the room here and you good folks in it. I have been in and out of alanon for the last 15 yrs. I know what I'm supposed to do, I am choosing today to do some of that, and letting it begin with me come tomorrow. I need to eat, and take care of me first. I have 2 little ones in this mix 6 and 11. This son of mine I share about is gong to be 19. You're doing the best thing you can do coming here and sharing your experience strength and hope with us all, I get it and so grateful for this program! Keep coming back it works if we work it ;) God speed
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"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."
My experience is that the alcohol is a depressent, but the weed kills all ambition for life. Yeah it calms him down, but also has an effect on his brain cells big time. If you have the opportunity to respond to him..just tell him plain and simple, I am here for you when you want to get clean and sober, I love you more than anything in the world....I look forward to being with you and part of your life again.....in support .......og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Letting his life crumble around him - which probably isn't much of a life - may be one of the best things that happens to him? There are no guarantees, but I know that trying to help them keep their lives together is just a wheel that keeps turning and turning and turning. They continue to use. We continue to help. Around and around and around we go. Glad to see you stepped off the merry-go-round of action. Continued program work in Al-Anon will help you stop the wheels of anxiety, guilt, fear and shame from turning within you. Glad you're here. Glad you're in Al-Anon. In Al-Anon and at MIP we help each other live our own lives with the knowledge that there isn't much we can do to help our adult children who aren't living sober lives other than to love them and to pray for them.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 17th of December 2013 10:50:32 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 17th of December 2013 10:53:33 PM
Texas...the very best part of the steps I got was "Admitted we were powerless". I got it over a period of time and then came the acceptance of it and a question, "So what do I do now"? I went back to doing what I would normally be doing without the distraction. After a long period of dryness my son has again relapsed. His family is in a shambles and it looks just a little different than it was back then...the different look is now there are more souls being hurt by this disease and still my wife and I are admitting..."we are powerless". We will not allow our lives back into the unmanagability of it all and as long as we have God to trust and rely on in our own management we're at peace. You didn't cause this. You cannot control it. You will not cure it. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Lol, I have had the powerless idea beat into me over and over - it's finally sinking in - my control issues had a really hard time with being powerless, but I am getting there - still, the pain of having to watch my son's train wreck isn't easy for me to get used to - I did have an "ah ha!!" moment last night at my meeting - the light finally went on for me that steps 6 and 7 could be the way to handle my control issues, and if I'm not trying to control any longer, i'll get closer to what I should be doing (not controlling) and closer to serenity.
Sometimes it takes a long time for me to see what's right in front of me!
I have another question - my son seems pained by any contact with me - there's no history of anything in our past that'd cause that, AFAIK - I guess it's something to do with his disease - should I just leave the ball in his court and wait for him to contact me, or is it ok for me to text him a simple "I love you" message?
Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement, strength, hope, and guidance!
I realized that just as God had removed the crystal meth addiction from my son 8 years ago and alcohol from me 20 years ago, He should be able to easily remove the control issues from me now - and get my son back on a better path - IF I GET OUT OF THE WAY AND LET HIM !!!
