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Im so angry and resentful. The deep seated kind of anger. Does anyone have any suggestions of how to deal with that?
It is coming from the fact that my alcoholic boyfriend is playing crazy-making games with me. IE: treating me badly and then when I have boundaries and don't want to spend time with him b/c of it, I am abandoning / abusing him and he comes at me with arrogance and zest. I then not only resent him for how he treated me to begin with, (which he never apologized for obviously) but how he is now blaming ME for the consequences that do not feel right to HIM. i.e.: me not wanting to spend time with him b/c I am healthy and normal and don't appreciate the way he acted. That took a year of recovery for me to have a single normal reaction to his bull - wacky.
I am usually not so angry, and see it as his " crazy disease. " i think this time though he took it too far tonight when he called and threatened me, as I believe when he said: " I Feel like I do not have a girlfriend, you just disappear whenever you want, do whatever you want, cancel on me whenever you feel like it, and this is not working for me. this is not a REAL relationship and if things don't start changing here, IM gonna make some changes. (( silence ))
me: OKAY???? (in my head I am thinking: it didn't seem to bother you that it was not a real relationship yesterday when you didn't want to have any contact with me so you could go get wasted. (??)
I think that really made me angry tonight, I cannot see how I am going to get past this. i cannot even sleep at three am.. The sicker he gets, the crazier he becomes, the more unbalanced his points of view are, and the less clarity he has when he has done something totally off base. He was never this irrational. even as a drunk two years ago. Im at a loss here b/c I am obviously getting healthier, feel so much better, and my bottom is higher, so we are headed in two separate directions. I do not want to harp on him, lecture him, or try to even explain why I am angry as it is a waste of time and he will only be worse to me. How do I dispel the anger? please help , any suggestions? It is not just steam on my head anger, that is over, it is resentment. thanks. :(
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I've been working with the idea that sometimes when bad feelings are overwhelming, like anger or resentment or "poor me" I just have to let them have their little tantrum. I try to take myself somewhere quiet, accept that I'm going to feel awful for a little while and not beat myself up for it. And let that part of my kick and scream like a little kid inside me for a little while until she tires herself out. Sometimes it's a lot better (and quicker) than trying to fight my own feelings or try to pretend that I don't have them. I don't know if that makes sense but it seems to work for me.
(((giraffe13)))
i had to smile a bit at his reaction to your new boundaries. That was exactly what I got when I tried to stand up for myself...'you are just coming and going, selfish you'... at those times he made me feel guilty. Because to him, the definition of 'selfish' is, everybody who doesn't do as I want and works to please me is selfish'... so I came to the conclusion he just had a distorted definition at hand, and that is not my problem!
and for anger, you are allowed to feel anger at times, because even though in most cultures, anger has a negative meaning, and mostly described as a destructive force, in moments where you are given unacceptable behavior it can actually be a lifesaver for your own self-worth. So allow it to be there for a little while, work through it, feel it and let it go....
of course he wouldn't like you to change, how could he continue to live his disease quietly and without guilt. oh well..let him deal with his own feelings at that time.
continue moving in the direction your guts takes you, since you are saying you are feeling better, healthier, well good for you. Go out and give yourself a treat. You deserve it.
in support and big hug
((Giraffe)). I hope you are feeling better by now and got some sleep. Wow. I am also living your 2nd paragraph. Unfortunately these days I am ready to jump on any bluff-calling my BF might want to try to pull, and I can't keep my anger down either. About the only thing that works in these cases, for me - IF I can remember to do it - is my "Not thinking of deep stuff after dark" rule. I've even gone so far as to jot down all the things swirling around my brain at 2 am onto a piece of paper that I will look at and 'worry' about during daylight hours. Sure, the problem is still there, but after some sleep, with some food in my stomach and when the sun's up, I seem to have clarity, every time
I want to congratulate you though, for having gotten to this point - where you can see the craziness as his instead of taking all on yourself. Great work!
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Tuesday 17th of December 2013 07:30:02 AM
I got the same kind of lines when I started getting better. My AH still goes off about whom I'm getting counsel from, makes derogatory remarks about Al Anon, etc. He even once complained about how 'happy' I was, "She's so happy walking around the house smiling like nothing is wrong, while I sit here on the couch miserable." I wasn't even allowed to be happy without him complaining.
And, I think if you look back to 2 years ago, you may realize soon that he was just as 'crazy' as now. You just weren't as healthy as YOU are now. Looking back at all the things he's said and done, the twisted perceptions, the accusations, the paranoid delusions, the feelings of grandeur that he had, I can truly say it was all there before. Yeah, he upped the ante a bit over the last year in a desperate attempt to mess with me, but really it was all there. I just wrote it off as normal, I didn't know that it could be any different. Now, I do know. Now, I've pulled my head out of the sand, and so have you.
Sending you lots of hugs and support today. I'm still with my AH so I know how hard it is to keep working on recovery for you, when they are still stuck in their own sickness. Hang in there and just take one day at a time.
"I dont want to make plans with you, because I may not be able to keep those plans. But if I dont make plans with you, and I want to spend time with you, then you are off doing something else and you aren't available to me and it hurts my feeling."
REAALLY!?!
I've taken to reading these posts every morning. I write my feelings out in a journal every night. Im not someone who handles anger well, so I'm joining the gym today to help me work it all out of my system.
oh also, upon re-reading, it seems to me like he doesnt like you exhibiting his own behavior. How many times has he cancelled on you? Disappeared on you? Done whatever he wanted? Did it work for you? At least when you are off doing those things (Im assuming), you are doing something healthy with your time.
My ABF treats me the same way. I want it to change, so let the change begin with me.
I think your anger is telling a story. You are getting healthier so you have higher self esteem and more confidence, you think more of yourself so therefore someone treats you badly and you get angry because you want better for yourself, better treatment. I think it is a clear sign of our healthier attitude when the A's in our lives begin to get upset and see us as distant and unloving and all the crap they can think of and in a way it is true we are less open to manipulation and less likely to take abuse and less likely to run about after them so of course its unsettling and upsetting for them. You are on the right course and he will try hard to tell you differently because it suits him for you to be unhealthy. Use the anger, explore whats behind it, use it to get to know yourself better, dont bury your anger, let it out.x
For me, prayer and connection with my HP have really helped when I feel consumed by anger and resentment. I've been struggling with these feelings for months, and have been going to many meetings, reading my literature. I finally went to confession, something I haven't done in a VERY long time. You know what the priest told me? Be patient, forgiveness takes time, anger is a normal human emotion. Just be gentle with yourself, and pray. I had to laugh, it was all the same things I know from al anon.
I feel my anger. I do with it what makes sense to do with it - usually walking around my house alone emoting when I'm feeling really angry - feeling calmer, listening to the circumstance and my part in it, making any changes I can make and then going out to do some kind of service work - even if that means going to the store and consciously being kind to the grouchiest check out person.
I feel it, too. I don't resist the feelings and I am careful not to project it onto others. I listen, as I know it is telling me something and, for me, it is often that I have not exercised good self care and my boundaries got floppy.
-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 17th of December 2013 08:06:57 PM
