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So I was just informed by my AD's twin sister, that my AD does not want to accept my invitation to meet with me (and her twin sister) for dinner over the holidays. I guess that I shouldn't be surprised, but it still hurts so much. I still don't know what her issues are with me. If I did, it would be easier for me to try to understand. She is making it clear that she does not want me in her life. I just have to "Let go and let God," but it's a lot harder as this year has gone by without being in contact with her. Thanks for letting me share.
I'm sorry, Green Eyes, that you're hurting. I don't know how old your daughter is? My own experience with my grown kids was they both had issues with me in their 20s. Not their Dad. Just me. I had to let them have their issues. My daughter is now 36. She thinks I'm the most wonderful Mom anybody could have. She's even planning for how she'll take care of me when I get older. We've joked about her setting me in a rocker strapped in with bungees to the top of her SUV and covering me with a quilt so we can go on rides together and I can see what's going on from a higher vantage point. Some kids have a way of blaming their Moms for everything and crediting their Dads with everything - until they reach a certain age. Hang in there. This can all change and all you did was work your program and live your life.
She's 26. Her dad (my AH, who I had separated from) died suddenly this past January from kidney and liver failure due to his drinking. She was very angry that I had left her dad and possibly blames me for his death (I can only make assumptions since she has not spoken to me since his passing). She showed up in October when we spread my AH's ashes at sea, but that has been the only time I've seen her this year. Thanks for giving me hope.
I will continue to work my program, but my heart is broken right now.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 16th of December 2013 06:33:26 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Monday 16th of December 2013 06:36:29 PM
We've joked about her setting me in a rocker strapped in with bungees to the top of her SUV and covering me with a quilt so we can go on rides together and I can see what's going on from a higher vantage point.
I can just picture this and I am giggling......daughter sounds like my older daughter who is soo funny and sweet......she loves me to death.......and yea, as to the kid not wanting to spend time w/mom on christmas, i am sorry, green eyes, but sometimes we get the crap and its not deserved....my younger daugter treated me like crap until i decided it was unacceptable and detached, however he A dad who has never been there for her, oh he can do no wrong......go figure....i don't try and analyze it anymore ....it is what it is and I am gonna just put one foot in front of the other and grab onto the good stuff and let go the not so good..........i am spending Christmas with folks whose families i have been a part of forever....watched all their kids grow up and helped with that growth......one child i adopted as my grandson.....we did the vows thing and everthing...he is my sweetie pie........so i am going to TWO places for Christmas and dunno what daughter #2 is gonna do....I hope she has a merry Christmas, but I will be elsewhere..........daughter #1, I really miss....after all these years , i still feel empty nest syndrome, LOL and shes in her 40's, LOL.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I know it hurts, GE. I can remember sobbing on the phone with my sponsor who could barely understand my words, I'm sure. She was incredible compassionate and patient.
I can also remember being about 26 years old showing up at my parents' home with my laundry list of grievances against my Mom. I picked a time my Dad wasn't home. I started down the laundry list of grievances and my Mom - age 46 - with health issues of her own listened. Then, spirited as ever - she looked at me and said between clenched teeth - "I let you live, didn't I?" She also said, "Daughter. I'm not going to answer any of your questions because you don't really want an answer. You just want to blame me for the bad choices you are making. So, this is what I'm going to say to you - when you are about 32 - come and ask me those questions again. Maybe then I'll answer you." Well, I didn't need to go back and ask her the questions at 32. At 30, I already knew the answers. My Mom was not codependent in any way. She also got "me" when it came to blaming her for doing some of the things I chose to do. She understood that I was immature and full of myself. She let me learn things the hard way. I appreciate my Mom for that. Her house was always open to me, but she never chased after me or defended herself or apologized to me. She knew she'd been as good a Mother to me as she could be and that I just wasn't and couldn't "get it" yet. I have to say that Mom was wrong about me in many instances, too, and she was also too hard on me at times. But, I always respected her and I always loved her because she loved and respected herself when it came to her mothering. She didn't allow any of the ten of us ever put her down or hurt her in a way we could ever see. When she died, all ten of us knew she was a pill to interact with being the complicated, hard-driving, no nonsense woman that she was and had always been. All of us also were aligned with this truth: we loved and respected our Mother because she was our Mother and had done the best she could do raising 10 kids, keeping a home for us and still being the artist she was meant to be.
Your daughter may not understand alcoholism or why you divorced your AH. But you know you didn't cause it. You couldn't control it. You couldn't cure it. You also know why you divorced him. He had choices to quit drinking while you were married. He had choices to quit when you divorced. He didn't. You are not responsible for any of that. You are your children's mother. You have done the best you can to raise them and to love them. You did the best you could in the marriage, too. You can't change your daughter's judgments or opinions. Life has a way of helping us do that as we grow through trials and new experiences. I will be praying for you, GE, and for your children, too. (((GE)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 16th of December 2013 07:10:43 PM
Hugs GE, I'm sorry that she's choosing to act this way. It's on her, in the moment and at the holidays it doesn't feel good. Stay close to your program. Hugs sis, s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Aloha GE and thanks for the post cause I relate. My eldest sun went back out and from within the relapse pretty much self destructed including his family. I don't want the influence around me. The self centeredness and insincerety strikes me as unrealistic humor. I was remembering early in his life when he use to refer to me as "chief", "Jerry" and other titles and names at a distance from "Dad" and "Father". He designed the titles for what ever reason he had. The last time I was in the same room with him I felt like a distraction to his ego. LOL. Presently he's all over the place and not wanting contact. That's okay with me because very little seems "mutual" when we're together anymore. It is what it is. Not gonna blame or judge..just going to Let go and Let God...Me? I'm powerless. He, his wife and family are in better hands than ours. truthfully. ((((hugs))))
Your daughter may not understand alcoholism or why you divorced your AH. But you know you didn't cause it. You couldn't control it. You couldn't cure it. You also know why you divorced him. He had choices to quit drinking while you were married. He had choices to quit when you divorced. He didn't. You are not responsible for any of that. You are your children's mother. You have done the best you can to raise them and to love them. You did the best you could in the marriage, too. You can't change your daughter's judgments or opinions. Life has a way of helping us do that as we grow through trials and new experiences. I will be praying for you, GE, and for your children, too. (((GE)))
this is exactly what I needed to hear today, wow, thank you so much.
