The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
His father was coming down to visit and give him a gift for Christmas. Can't get a hold of him. I called his phone.....he's bombed out of his mind on something.
I'M DONE and I hung up and text him so when he's sober he will read it because he won't remember the phone call I'm sure.
I was not nice....
I told him I loved him but I hate his disease and I will not ever feed it again. I told him it is MY PROMISE TO GOD I also said I take F pain pills but never have I been that much in a stupor and don't give me any Bull*** about YOUR pain. I'M NOT THAT STUPID I also said DON"T CALL me until your working and taking care of yourself. I'M DONE WITH YOU AND YOUR DISEASE
I was mean this time...... I blew it....I really did but I couldn't help it. I'm not going to let myself get so freaking crazy over somebody that will NOT HELP HIMSELF.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
i blew up big time this week on my A. I said mean things I've never said. Maybe Im lucky because he listened, and told me he would never fault me for my feelings. Eventually the tea kettle boils when it's been on the heat. I vent and think I will feel better, but then I feel guilty for bringing that stress on to someone who already has so many problems. My A put it into perspective for me by validating my feelings, and I will always be grateful for that.
So, since your son isn't in the right mind to say it to you, I will. Your feelings are valid. Your venting was warranted. You deserve to be heard too.
We are human Cathy!!! I am sorry that this is continuing
Prayers
Ditto AND Cathy, that vent was for you, I hope....I hope it had no "expectations" that it will make an impression on him........all that pent up anger, sadness, grief, all of it came out and I hope it released you somehow.....sometimes just "unloading" is what we need for US..not them, it is for US...
It won't impact him at this point but i always say where there is life there is hope , but he is going to, like my A brother get slammed soo hard he bounces off the pavement b4 he hits rock bottom and even THEN, sometimes they don't wake up, but a few of them do....some folks are harder headed and get enabled and that combination can be disastrous....
I am so sorry that this is continuing in your life, but you can stop it w/program and NO CONTACT until you KNOW, for SURE, he is in recovery and sober...
at this point i would be working step 3 on him bc you essentially lost him to the disease....he is now his maker's problem and creator won't interfere unless we give him/her permission and ASK for help and surrender......i think I will offer up a prayer that you can let this go and grieve it out and move on until such a drastic change occurs in him (sobriety, surrendering his all to the program) and i will also pray that he can come to surrender to his maker.....
I don't have a child trapped in this darkness, but i do have 2 brothers....one with whom i was best friends..what little joy i had in my hellish childhood was with him and another bro. who is deceased.....my last of my friends is drinking himself and there is noting i can do about it...oh i used to "lend a hand" help him over the "bad patches" that HE brought upon himself, and I would beg, plead, cry, vent, cuss him out...go months w/out talking to him to no avail....
i got free of his drama by (no not cutting him loose) but cutting the drinking loose...when he is drunk??? NO CONTACT with me.........when he is sober?? no worries, I can deal but my heart is reserved bc until he gets into recovery i know his next binge is around the corner, so I don't LET myself get attached to him as i was b4 this all happened......i don't LET me be in a situation where i can be hurt, emotionally......he wants to visit me.....I will NOT allow a visit w/out AA and sustained sobriety, so I will probably die w/out ever seeing him again OR he will die from the drink and I will not have seen him......either way , I love him but i hold back....to protect me.....i worked my program about detachment and i worked it and worked it and it has helped me....
the relationship you have with him right now is so toxic, it is bringing you only pain and negativity....sometimes we just have to save our own ass and let go......be our own best friend and let go.......programme never guaranteed me an easier ride in this difficult life i have w/finances and emotionally being compromised, but programme has helped me sail through the S***storms of life a bit easier......it has helped me soften karma that is at times, unbearable.....it has helped me make better choices....it also showed me that universe is going to have his/her way anyway, so why fight it....i may as well feel the feelings, cry, vent, etc, grieve it out so i can come to acceptance and move on and make the best of where i am at right now....
IN SUPPORT, your friend, Neshema
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I've learned that when I slam a figurative door in frustration or anger - it springs right back open - and I get a chance to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean another time. My kids also know that when I get to the point where I am eyeing a door, it'd probably be a good idea if they backed out slowly. All we can do is the best we can do at the time. We make new choices and carry out other behaviors at other times. They keep on doing what they keep on doing. But, we don't have to. He probably won't even remember what you said - so, I doubt any harm was done. I've been that frustrated and felt that powerless with my son, too, Cathy. I just keep practicing and reaching out and expecting no perfection from myself.
I almost got happy reading what you wrote him. He put you through so much pain it makes me feel like throttling him...but alas...detachment and objectivity...sigh. I put my parents through crap too. Not as much as your son but still. I feel some compassion when I remember how my own alcoholism crippled me. Sorry he's like this right now Cathy.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 16th of December 2013 10:12:12 PM
