The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I spent the weekend with my ABF after not seeing him or hearing from him for a week. He came over with flowers, shoveled out my extensive driveway, took me to dinner, movies, etc. Last night, we went to the market together, and got ingredients to make his fav meal. As I was cooking, he said he was going to run to him moms and be right back, that he needed to get his zoloft. He could tell I was skeptical, and said "Please dont worry, I will prove it to you, Im going to hurry!"
He even called me when he arrived to his moms, and called me to say he was leaving. It seemed like he was doing something different. Then minutes turned to an hour. I went out for a smoke, I missed 5 of his calls right in a row, called him back, he tells me he is stuck in the snow. My reaction is of skepticism. He gets upset! Im legitimately stuck in the snow, this isnt an excuse! Indignant about it, he says I will just call you when I get unstuck, Im really trying and the new car is rear wheel drive and it wont go anywhere.
Fast forward to 2 and half hours later, I havent heard from him. So i send him a text message "Wow. You have some nerve!"
He calls me back after 11pm and starts yelling at me, which rarely happens EVER. This man has never really said ANYTHING negative about me, and so I was stunned. The below is the tune of the message and Im not sure if it's something to ponder or what:
(This is a summation of what he said)
"With those same loving eyes, you look down your nose at me. You judge me all the time. Whether or not you realize it, you are the most egotisical person I've ever met. I have some nerve? You have some nerve for putting yourself up on such a high pedestal and judging the rest of the world around you. You always think you know whats best, and you give out your unsolicited advice and dole out what you think I should do with myself non-stop. You think you're a better person than I am or at least you are trying to convince yourself of it. You aren't that much better off than me in terms of status, except you dont have an addiction. Every single time we are having a nice conversation, you bring it around to something negative or bring up our problems. I continue to show you, and tell you in many ways, that I apologize and I am trying to change. I am doing what I can to do what's right by you."
the convo continued and calmed down, but those were the first insults he ever has hurled at me and Ive known him 2 years. after discussing with him that i felt the responsible thing would have been to simple call me back and tell me he wasnt going to be able to make it back instead of letting hours pass, he apologized and we had a decent conversation and then I went to bed. But the things he said are still ringing in my ears. Just because he is an addict, doesn't mean he doesnt have a point... or does it? Did I just play right into his hands here? I dont tend to think I am egotistical. I dont believe in my heart that I am any better than any other person, but I do think I make better choices and more responsible decisions than many of my age group. People come to me with problems and I tend to help them find solutions and that has always been my role in life, even with my own mom. Perhaps I insert my opinion and my advice with him because I am in a routine of doing so. How do I stop this? Have any of you been accused of a similar thing?
I am sorry that you were so blind sided. I too have heard the same complaints from both hubby and son . Just as you are doing, I too considered the validity of the attack to discover my part.
It was a difficult job to really see myself . It did take working the program and examining my motives to get down to reality. I also had to develop an, understanding that judging others, giving unsolicited advise, thinking I know what someone else should do does infringe on another rights and well being. Alanon believes that to give advise to another is to intrude and that is why we only suggest program tools when we share
EGO to me means Easing God Out Meetings, sponsor, steps all helped me to relearn how to interact with others
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 16th of December 2013 03:49:48 PM
this is just my esh take what you like and leave the rest
these are some of the defects that I uncovered when I did my fourth step.
You see I was full of fear so i tried to control everyone, tell them what to do. I looked 10 times before I crossed the road, if everyone listened to me everything would be ok. This is what alcoholism did to me.
My partner has said similar things and today after completing the steps I know he was right but it was not up to him to take my inventory, I needed to look at me my part and he needed to look at him his part we ere to busy looking at one another to do our own work. I have made amends to my recovering ABF and try to keep my side of the street clean today and leave his to him.
I too have trust issues but it is getting better with time as I am proved wrong and my recovering ABF has been understanding.
it took us a long time to get sick and recovery is a journey in the right direction,
There's a meeting on thursday in my area. I will be attending.
I know I need to keep my side of the road clean and not worry about his. But just as my A said to me last night, knowing the problem and knowing what you need to do are different from actually doing it (he said this in reference to himself and sobriety). The doing it is the part that counts. I dont want to be a person who infriges on another person's rights. I am ashamed of my behavior from the past, I am shamed that I do not know how to let others just be. I am outright embarrassed by my own needs to control/micromanage another person's life while I let my own fall to shambles. I really need help.
BreaM you have received some golden responses from the family here. I also followed thru on the judgements from others...Were they right? What could I do about it? I never felt shame and guilt until I got into recovery and those two emotions were very toxic to me and yet didn't kill me. I learned that others felt similar when I use to threat them unkindly and self centeredly and the shame and guilt helped me to grow. I don't ever want to feel those two again in the same day or same place. Ugh!! Taking yourself to a meeting where you can listen to feedback face to face from a group is a good decision. Have a great meeting and thanks for this share. (((((hugs)))))
dear breamanic665, I hear you and i can say, I'm in a similar place today. I got told many times, that I'm judgmental...even though I say today, A was exaggerating, for he is not good in taking the slightest remark or criticism or any comment that was meant in a good way. It was not always, or most of the time not meant judgmental. and in a healthy relationship i guess it is ok to talk to each other and support each other, and search for suggestions between eachother as equal partners.but with an A it is just always taken as a negative, for they are so oversensitive and full of guilt and shame and self-pity themselves. Mine is always taking the victim position. And honestly, some of their part in it also is, being irresponsible for the consequences of their own behavior,....my A for example lied a big deal to me since I 've known him...so by the time I got to know him better and knew about the lies, well it's normal to get suspicious and not believing easily what he is telling you in present times...for he isn't working a program and isn't actually recognizing any faultive behavior, in full denial...so he always likes to accuse me as the mad woman when he sees the slightest doubt in my reactions... whereas the real trust issues are with him, the real criticism and judgment are with him, for his arrogance and attitude are so high, he thinks he is God's better assistant...
I don't say I have not recognized and admitted my role in this, especially through working the steps. I acknowledge my part, and I'm sorry for my wrong behavior towards his accusations, his pity-play and his suffering, which where mainly my defective defense mechanisms, for I didn't know any better about alcoholism for most of the initial times of our relationship, and which I still really need to work on. but I still think that I didn't deserve his harsh and arrogant judgmental treatment, for my intentions were good, and the way I talked to him and behaved with him where still kind and caring.... i loved that man. the A's too have to learn to take responsibility for how they act and what they say..they can not simply go on and shovel all garbage on us....sure they can if we let them. So i just recognized these days that I have to subtract me from this equation, for I'm not a good rescuer, for he needs to have the dignity of his own choices and probably does better without me, for he only will only see what he needs and wants to see for his -ism to survive. and I'm not given a nice part, and I probably never will.......until and unless he works on his own spiritual sobriety. That's my true wish for him, may God help him, THAT is out of my control...
so let go and let God.
on't beat yourself up, and continue working your program. Stay with yourself, know yourself, and stand up for all that is YOU.
in support
This is not about your situation in particular, but just some thoughts about my own. I found that most things I thought I was free of, I actually indulged in a whole lot. So I gave myself pats on the back for not being X, Y and Z, but turns out I did plenty of X, Y and Z. The up side was that I was intensely self-critical about A, B, and C, and it turned out I wasn't doing A, B and C much at all! So there's an up side to finding out new things about yourself. We're "worse" than we think, but we're also "better" than we think.
Not to say what was justified about your ABF's accusations or what wasn't. Of course I'd have no idea about that. But I do know from vast experience that when someone accuses someone else with anger, they rarely get their point across. Your ABF was clearly angry. Of course it's going to feel terrible. That's regardless of how much of what he said is accurate. If he had beefs to bring up, the effective way would have been when you both were calm and there was no other dispute going on. It does look to me as if he's trying to distract you from his own actions. So he brings up something valid (assuming it's valid)? That doesn't mean he's behaving maturely or wisely or like a sane sober person. He's clearly leaving the responsibility for that up to you. Just my 2 cents.
Your post made me smile this morning , I have also experienced what you described here , husb called me self righteous , judgemental know it all blah blah blah, my very wise sponsor when I told her this said you know sometimes we need to listen to them , I replied why ? her answer was occasionally their right . hmmmm. I started to pay attention to my body language and discovered that I often was smiling but my body was telling him to get lost and leave me alone , I too always had unsolicisited advice for what he should do to make his life better , and apparently I had a smirk on my face most of the time that he was talking to me which I wasn't aware of - go figure . so something to think about ? just sharring my own experience here . Louise
