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Does anyone ever build trust back with an ah? He's in his own treatment (funny to even at that... I know that's not possible)
I look back and have been in same place last 6 Christmas'
God is so against divorce. My ah will not seperate (why would he?) it puts it on me to file and make him leave.
But I've got papers paid for and plan on moving on with my life after the holidays.
The guilt I feel is that God might not want this. He's against divorce but he's against breaking marriage vows by not honoring them too.
Just want to enjoy my life without the elephant in the room.
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
It was my procrastination that held the divorce up...my procrastination and my need for more mind, body, spirit and emotional serenity. God would have rather me not marry my alcoholic/addict in the first place so I had to correct my mistake...it was an amends to my alcoholic/addict, God and myself. God wasn't enjoying watching me live in insanity...told me so himself. When you listen...He will speak. ((((hugs))))
I love the esh you have received .. I believe the same .. the God of my understanding doesn't approve of adultery, drunkenness or abuse either. I had to weigh what I was putting myself and the kids through vs what choosing to leave was going to give. What Jerry said really hit me between the eyes .. it is a living amends to myself and the A to correct a situation that shouldn't have gone on as long as it did. I'm grateful my children are the payoff for this situation. It saddens me that my stbax can't see them as the precious gifts they are. Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I wanted to add on the trust issue .. no .. I do not trust my stbax honestly I would be a blind fool to do so because he's done nothing to show he's trust worthy. So today .. no I do not trust my stbax and it will take a long time of consistent behaviour on his part for me to trust him again. I have a right to choose who i trust and how much i trust them. Alanon had taught me that is ok because talking and their actions can be very different. Hugs
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My x continued to do what he always did after we were divorced. One of his buddies was shot in the head sitting on a park bench in Colorado - drug deal gone bad. Lots of other awful things happened in his life that I was able to escape experiencing because I chose to leave a toxic relationship that certainly wasn't the marriage the God that loves me wanted for me. If I'd stayed in that toxic relationship, I wouldn't be typing to you now. The HP I've experienced in my lifetime did not create me to be a victim or a martyr. I'm grateful for the good God brought out of that bad marriage, but I can't say God joined us together. What did join us together were our untreated diseases - alcoholism and codependency. Those are the little hps that wanted us to stay together.
I moved out first, and then a year later, when I realized, "When nothing changes, nothing changes," I told my AH that I wanted to either legally separate or divorce. He replied back, "We're either married or not, no in-between." I think that he thought that I was just bluffing. I really struggled with pulling the trigger on our marriage of 30 years. And my Catholic faith was causing me to have a great deal of guilt. But in the end, I needed to take care of myself, both mentally and financially. I don't think that God would want me to stay in a marriage where alcohol was the only party that my AH was being faithful to. I had lost my trust in him. He died from the effects of his alcoholism before our divorce was final. I know in my heart that I made the right decision. Sending you ESH right now.
Where does it say God is against divorce? I am not religious so I don't know what religion would say this. I think for me my God is a personal entity in my life and he wants me to be happy and be loyal to me and not live for another human being. Some ideas and rules come from many many years ago when society was seen as needing to be controlled so rules and regulations in the name of 'God' were a good way to do it.
The bible is open to interpretation so I think you need to search for your own God and decide what is best for you because that will also be best for God. Take what you like.x
El-cee: For informational purposes only - Judaism and Christianity are two religions that are - except in cases of adultery - opposed to divorce. The admonitions against divorce appear both in the Old and New Testaments. Part of that prohibition was due to women of that time having no means of support and their husbands divorcing them for reasons that were frivolous and leaving them destitute and incredibly vulnerable in a patriarchal culture.
Thanks grateful. That's really interesting especially when it was more about protecting women when in more modern times it can lock them into unhappy marriages.x
Good thread...good feedback, for me divorce should not be a default or a knee jerk reaction to spite alternative solutions. What I mean just for me is that it should not be the first and/or only solution. Today from experience many other avenues should be considered and some tried otherwise a worse mistake could be made or at least another one. In the case where others outside of the family actively take a part in destroying the marriage and family and that the partner who aupport it or brings it into the home does nothing to stop it...divorce for today is necessary...IMHO and experience. It is what I did two times. My alcoholic/addict and my addict both perpetrated the disease and refused to seek resolution. Change it or die became a real thought force for me; as the depression almost caused me to take my own life. Thank God for God...much of my family and friends did not understand and neither did my church. I did it twice and both times to save my own life. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I wanted to add one last thought from my perspective .. that is also why it's important to have counsel spiritual or/ and emotional with someone (s) who understand addiction. I'm very lucky .. my pastor encouraged me to look at all possibilities and immediately understood this wasn't something I was looking at lightly and never made me feel badly about needing to end the marriage. We had a long discussion about the whole God hating divorce topic .. the last comment he says was I know this is a very difficult decision for you, from where I sit J has left you no choice in the matter. That was interesting to me to have a pastor say that because I'd heard and was prepared for him to tell me all the reasons I had to stay. Because i knew other women in different churches who experienced that. My pastor had given sermons on the twelve steps .. I feel extremely blessed that he understands and comes from an Emmett Fox kind of format. Not every sermon .. when he talks about being powerless that is some good stuff. :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
