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My daughter is staying with her Dad at the moment and I asked her if she was coming to mine for Christmas dinner. Well she seemed unsure and she asked me if I would ask her Dad because he was going to be on his own and of course she would feel awkward leaving. So, due to the fact that we had spent some time together during the son in hospital episode and that went okay, I phoned him up and asked him to dinner. I actually thought 'wow, I have actually moved away from hatred and resentment because I could cope with him in my house for Christmas dinner, he is actually becoming more neutral to me' What a jolly good thing this is!!!!!
Well, he got me, he said that I wanted a clean break months ago so no he didnt think it was a good idea. His blame and self righteous voice remains. He has been waiting for something like this to throw his feelings back at me. Just when you think you are dealing with a normal human being he reminds you that no I am a crazy, mean, self centred ******.
I just forgot for a while due to the fact that I have not been in his company for months. Well I continued to play into his hands and give him some more Christmas joy because I phoned back and said that we should have dinner to save the kids feeling the need to choose and to save the whole awkward scenario and that we are adult enough to spend time for one day arent we?
Apparently not, he is loving this and I feel like a complete mug. I have handed him some kind of crazy revenge, it feels like he has been sitting back knowing and waiting for his time to get his revenge, what a sad, pathetic little man he truly is. He is in AA, supposedly working a spiritual program, even helping others!!
He has not moved on, he blames me for leaving him and he has all this time. Im so angry at myself for forgetting who I was dealing with, I am angry because maybe this was me playing God and trying to control the whole Christmas dinner thing and where people would be and how they should feel and all that. So, I tell my daughter and sons that he wont come and now they are not coming either they are going to his and he doesn't even know it. I am taking some pleasure in the fact that now he will have to go to the expense of dinner and he probably doesn't even want that. He wanted to sit by himself with his self pity. hehe.
I know what your thinking - that I have absolutely no recovery at this point - its went out the window. I am interested to see how it all pans out now, I actually want him to call back and say he will come so that I can say no way!!!
From the outside looking in, it sounds like you were trying to save your kids from having to choose where to go and make things easier and more convenient for everyone but the AH wants to continue to put himself first to get back at you. You seem mature and healthy and he seems immature and sick. I'm sorry you got that reaction from him. It is infuriating to listen to!!
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Don't let him upset you my friend. You asked and he said not a good idea. You tried to be nice and make it nice for the kids but he doesn't want it. You do he doesn't....so that's on him. You did your part nothing more is needed. Kindness will show if you let it and he will see it.
Peace be with you.....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Sorry el-cee but I smiled a little reading this, purely because I make the same mistake with my daughter's dad over and over and over. Been there, done that, burnt the t-shirt in a moment of rage.
Any time I think we have become adult enough to parent together, the smug angry little boy comes out to play. For us...well we have been divorced for 10 years! It still gets to me, but not for long. There's nothing wrong with you or your recovery! Absolutely anyone and everyone feels thrown when people behave like tools. You're doing the best you can to grow and trying to do the best you can for your kids so good work!
(((hugz)))
El cee: You practiced a 9th step. You let love guide you. Now, you get to spend Christmas quietly and he gets all the work. For Christians, Christmas starts from the 25th and ends on or about January 6th - the feast of Epiphany - a wonderful celebration of ancient story and starlight co-mingling. Nothing saying you can't borrow from our tradition if you're not a member of the Christian church and celebrate with your children on another day? You don't have to call it Christmas. Maybe just a celebration of family stories told around a roaring fire or twinkling lights complete with snacks, gift giving and maybe some games? In America, all the really good sales start close to or right after January 1st. If that's true in Scotland, if you haven't already bought gifts, you could buy them when the holiday sales are over and stores are trying to get rid of inventory.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 15th of December 2013 03:47:13 PM
Thanks everyone, Melly I have also chuckled in an evil kind of way. Things will work out for the best in the end, the only problem is how much food to buy just in case.x
There's always next year, el cee! Grin. After this year, I doubt the x will do a replay of his "no thank you." Teehee. Maybe this is one of those be careful what you ask for lessons for the x? Okay - Not nice. I'm focused on somebody else's lesson. What can I say? I'm a work in progress. Grin. (No! I'm really serious about feeling bad because he might get all the work and the cost and you get a free day. Really! I am. I am. Giggle)
Don't let him upset you my friend. You asked and he said not a good idea. You tried to be nice and make it nice for the kids but he doesn't want it. You do he doesn't....so that's on him. You did your part nothing more is needed. Kindness will show if you let it and he will see it.
Peace be with you.....
AND DEACON wrote You were being a good mom trying to make it easier for the kids. He was being a selfish clod feeling only for himself.
********************************** I agree with both...I think u were trying to do a "truce" thing for Christmas for the kids and he showed his a**.......and as Cathy says "you did your part nothing more is needed"......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
