The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So our love is gone, our dreams are gone, our pregnancy is gone. I think I have never felt that lonely and hurt before...my self-worth too is at the bottom after all the accusations and name calling. I have done so many mistakes in the past months.... when I once thought i found my way to deal with life and build up something worth living for, it got proved wrong.
but i refuse to drown in self-pity now. I admit, after the abortion, being by myself thinking, feeling... those thoughts come easily.Put on top of that some raging person, dumping every single day his own garbage on you, well it didn't make my feelings more light. only now, since there has been silence, am i able to slowly grasp the aftermath of the whole situation. and well, i did the best I could given the circumstances and the situation.
awareness: It was arrogant of me to think that i could be able to deal a lifetime with an alcoholic person, just because he has his good days and is then pretty good. Mr. Hyde is always hiding somewhere. I was arrogant to think that i was strong enough. I'm not weak also, but I'm super fragile. It was stupid of me to let myself be treated like a doormat. If I don't show up for myself and my boundaries, nobody will, not even the person who pretends to love me. It was presumptuous from my side to think that what I wanted was what my partner wanted... even if he said so, I should have been aware and be reading the signs of alcoholism and selfishness...there have been many..I have ignored them, because I wanted a moment of happiness. I was arrogant to think that my partner would need the same coping skills for life than me. He is old enough to choose his own. I mostly chose talking, he mostly needed silence and isolation and numbing with substance.....if he is fine with that i had no right to try to get him on my side. After all, this made things worse.
Acceptance: i accept that i need to stay in this awareness, even if that means to stay with some uncomfortable feelings of loss, loneliness and anxiety for some time. it is normal after all that happened. I will have to do some mourning and it will not be an easy time. I accept that I need a change in myself, one that has a thick strong foundation. I understand that I need to let go, of what happened to us, of our dreams, of that person that I loved so much.
Action: I am still very passive these days, just trying to feel one feeling at a time. one day at the time.
Withdrawal is what I'm going through right now, which i can't really understand myself. the action of 'no contact' is hard for me. I miss him, after all. How is that possible after he treated me really crappy selfishly and cruelly.... He has dumped all his guilt and anger on me after the abortion, forgetting that he begged me for it when I was still pregnant. How can i ignore those details..?? i can just explain it as irrational withdrawal...he got me used to being attached through drama...and now that I actually have some peace in my days and that serenity slowly comes back, the one that naturally belongs to me....I feel strange and lost. It's hard to detach and let go and forget about it all just like that....especially since my body has not come back to normal functioning yet.
I pray to my HP to guide me through this, i will just follow.... and i hope it will get better as days go by...but even that thought is scaring me....like that would mean that if I'm better i will have moved on, and let him behind.... when i miss our good moments together.
You have a really clear and lovely way of expressing your feelings. I really get what you are feeling because I have felt this way too. The addiction to the alcoholic and the drama, it is a hard thing to break. For me, it took a crisis for me to leave him, or maybe one crisis too many. This could be yours Tortuga, the final drama. You sound like you have lots of recovery behind you, so you know what to do, and you are doing it well. Taking one day at a time. Keep taking care of yourself.x
I agree with el-cee; your pain is coming through in your post, and you're expressing it very eloquently. I can also relate to so much of what you are saying. Who knows why we run toward the drama and crises and not away from it? You should know that although your pain is coming through, your strength is right next to it.
Tortuga, it is so hard to step out of the little prisons we make for ourselves. Being with him, being insulted and abused verbally and emotionally by him was your norm. No matter how much you hated it, it was what you had become used to. Now you have the courage to step away and you are really seeing the relationship for what it was. But, it takes time to build a new norm and so we look back and think, " Well it was not sooo bad! And he is a nice guy when he is not drinking! And he did not really mean the things he said!" Always thinking that he will change and the truth is that he won't.
One day soon I hope, you will have a new norm- a life where you are appreciated and loved. One day I hope you find a partner who will give as well as take, shelter you when you need it and stand by your side. Until that happens, you have to be your own best friend and give to yourself leaving the past and any mistakes you think you have made far behind you. You say you are passive right now- I don't see that in your post. I see a strong woman who is dealing with some hard knocks , working through her pain and accepting that it is going to be a hard time for a while. Good for you!
