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I quit drinking almost 2 years ago, and my husband and most of my friends drink (often heavily). I am at the point where I don't want continue to host gatherings where I know my husband and our friends will drink a lot. I also am seeing that alcohol is coming between my husband and I. For us to be intimate, I keep thinking he needs to drink less. Otherwise, taking care of my side of the street means living a pretty separate life from him. I don't want to spend all night next to him while he's drinking, don't want to go to happy hours or wineries. I don't even want to go out with friends that will drink a bottle of wine as we're eating dinner.
Any strategies for getting past my aversion for alcohol being drunk in excess in my home or in my loved ones? This is so basic, but I am so averse I wonder if I need to start a new life with people that don't have drinking front and center in their lives.
Hi irukan-I have seen alcohol and drugs ruin too many lives and I am against all of it. When I tell people I don't drink they look at me like I'm speaking martian. My spouse hid the drinking for years and with the lying it has practically ruined our 22 yr marriage. I don't want alcohol or drugs in my life. Been there, done that. When I host a gathering it is alcohol-free. Most people do drink and so you need to find a balance that you can live with. Before getting rid of all your friends, etc., work awhile in alanon. Get strong and really healthy and then figure out what choices you want to make. Lyne
I don't like bars, cocktail parties, alcohol fueled dinners or anything that remotely resembles a free-for-all in the making. I also don't like being with people who slur their words, can't remember what they said the next day, and think they are the belle of the ball. I will even leave wedding receptions at about 8 because I know the dancing and the drinking will be heating up and I won't stay. I just don't enjoy being around people or parties with alcohol. I have friends who might drink a glass of wine with dinner or after dinner - that I can tolerate. I also know they don't have alcohol problems and will remember what we talked about the next day. There is no getting around the aversion to all that drunkenness for me. Those are my limits. I respect them.
Interesting that your share shows up just after I spoke with a young recovering person this afternoon who has 14 months and told me he sometimes waffles on his journey. I agreed with him and shared that with my own journey that sometimes happens also...mind, emotions, spirit. My body doesn't drink anymore. I told him of a friend who ran up to me after a church service and told me that he was dreading a birthday for his Grandmother so much that it occupied his mind for months. The family knew what and how he use to drink and he knew they would want him to participate that way at the party. He didn't know how he would deter the "favorite beer" which would be presented to him when he reach the door. Saturday morning, came and still he had no idea and then it was time to go to the party. When he arrived his kids went into the house and his cousin met him at the front door with his favorite beer in his hand. "Hey Mike. Good to have you here and here's your favorite brew". Mike walked thru the door and found himself saying, "No thanks...I've had enough". Major God shot hey? Friday I was at a place that I contract with in taking care of their gardens and one of the guest who I had spoken with a while back came up to me with two beers in his hand. It was about 8AM and he was wanting to know if I wanted them or wanted to share them with him and I smiled...thought of Mike and said, "No thanks...I've had enough". Simple...practice, practice, practice.
As for your relationship with often heavily drinking husband whose drinking affects and distrubs you...check into the Al-Anon board here and read the posts of lots of other members who are affected the same way. Or you can go to the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book under Al-Anon and call them to find out where and when they get together in your area. From my own personal experience that would work very well. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Thanks all. I was going to Al-Anon regularly from January through July. Got lots of stomach pains as I was trying so hard to focus on me and connect with my higher power. I kept thinking that I could change me to change my husband - so that our relationship could return to be very intimate and our communication lines could be clear about our needs. My husband kept hoping I would accept him and his behaviors unconditionally. We are still stuck in a standoff, and I never could get to Step 2.
Irukan, you expressed my thoughts so clearly. I hate alcohol, I hate what it does to people, to families. I have had a long marriage now and the only elephant in the room for us is that he wants to drink socially and I don't want him to drink at all because, the older he gets, the quicker it affects him and he turns into a person I do not like. All of our friends drink, all of our neighbors drink. It is hard to find a social gathering in which alcohol is not the main guest. My four best women friends love their wine and, in my opinion, two of them really need to pull back because they are on a slippery slope.
We don't host that many parties any more and I avoid going to them. There are increasingly fewer places we can go that we do not encounter heavy drinking as, it seems to me, there are more people drinking heavily. I think that, as a lot of our friends are retired, they are bored and drinking becomes a habit. What really ticks me is that they know we do not drink much but they keep pushing it on us. There just seems to be a feeling out there that, unless you are drinking, you can't relax and have fun. I can have fun just fine without alcohol but.... why do you have to lose your inhibitions to have fun is my question? Why do you have to worry about what you said last night or what you did? How is that fun?
I have stopped "having parties" at my house just for this reason. I have discovered that people welcome no alchol (or accept it) when I have a new years day hopping john and collards lunch (probably the drinkers all had enough alcohol the night before).
For the most part, I stick to lunches with girlfriends, and meetings or church events where no alcohol is present.
Do what feels best for you and your recovery. You are not needless or wantless, and, if hosting events or being around people who drink make you uncomfortable, don't host or hang around them. It does take practice to say no...the first time may be filled with angst and that is ok, you will get over it. As far as al anon, I stopped going after a few meetings about 25 years ago and continued to live in hell for many years as I tried to change, love more, be sexier, change him, accept him, hang out with his friends and family etc etc. Really, I stopped going because I was afraid that if accepted him as an alcoholic, I would have to get divorced (which was a lie I believed) for the second time and I was ashamed I had not chosen a good partner, again. I did not know what I did not know about al anon because I let my fears stop me from going. When I chose to begin al anon, again, I was broken and desperate to feel better. When I worked (and work)the program, I felt (feel)stronger to make choices that worked (work) for me. Do I make compromises? Absolutely, but I make them out of my choice. Do I hang out now with people that drink too much? Yes, I do, as I can enjoy their company. When I want to leave I leave! I don't have alcohol in our home, don't serve alcohol in our home and we thoroughly enjoy events that are alcohol free. What is so important to hear is to be comfortable in your own skin, then make choices/decisions from that place. Al anon can give you that freedom, if you work the program. If you got stuck at step 2, so what? Stay stuck until your HP shows you why you are stuck and work out the rest with a sponsor.
I slip and slide sometimes and oh well...I do the best I can in each moment and continue to keep God and the 12 steps as close as a second layer of skin
Interesting. If I didn't want alcohol in the house anymore I might not see my husband much. But then again, when he's drinking I often go to another room anyway. But that doesn't bother me that much - except when he reeks of alcohol in our bed or wants a kiss. It becomes so much more of a commitment when we invite others over - to stay with any discomfort because I am the hostess.
Part of the reason we're cancelling our Christmas party this year is that I want to excuse myself if I have too much stomach pain (it adds up and I need to lay down), and if I am not enjoying the revelry. My husband did not think that was appropriate so we're cancelling. It stings a little to know that he isn't as concerned about my situation as he is about a few of our friends that may be alone on Christmas night.
I appreciate the sentiment about making decisions that work for me, even the compromises as long as I am empowered while making them. Further, to be patient with the Steps and the lessons involved.
When my exhusband was sober - so was our house. It was my way to show support. Sure, I'd go out with friends or co-workers from time-to-time and have a drink or two but mostly I stayed sober too. Then again, I know spouses that do continue to socially drink and their exA spouses understand it's not fair to ask them to abstain too. Socially being the key word...
I just never believed that keeping alcohol in a house with an alcoholic was really a good idea. But that's me...
I suppose this is an area where you have to figure out what works for you.
As a single mom and dating...I am totally off kilter with drinking period. I am so out of whack with what social drinking is that it's not even funny! I'm so used to excess that having a drink or two seems strange - good - but strange. I'm adjusting though...better to be safe than sorry!
