The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank-you for your unbelievably rude (and lengthy) note in my mailbox yesterday, and for the time you took to collect your patronising collection of pamphlets about "responsible pet ownership". I've never met you but I'm told that you are very advanced in age and probably had quite a time walking to both the vet and the council office to collect them and deliver them to me.
I'd like to thank you firstly because you gave me a great chance to practice my programme. I was hopping mad when I read your ridiculous insults and threats over the fact that you feel I don't properly care for my "dear little cat". In fact, after I stood at the letterbox spluttering for a while, I really wanted to march over to your house and give you a piece of my mind. But I didn't, because I remember last time we spoke on the phone about some other rubbish that you wanted to complain about, I was completely paralysed by my inability to interrupt your non-stop irrelevant conversation and ended up on the phone to you, just listening and getting angrier and angrier, for over 45 minutes. I don't ever want to subject myself to your nonsense again. So in spite of my almost insurmountable rage, I went for a nice walk instead. And for the past 24 hours, I have caught myself having arguments with you in my head over and over again, and it has given me multiple opportunities to remind myself not to attend every argument I am invited to, not to take it personally, and to keep my side of the street clean. You're right, he has lost his collar and tags again. I bought him new ones. I was mad because I didn't want you to think I did it because you told me to..lol. You really brought out the angry teenager in me. In fact, it was such a great opportunity to practice these skills that I would consider recommending your services to others who need some practice at staying calm under fire.
I'd also like to thank you because after my calm walk, I visited the lovely neighbours next door and showed them the letter and asked them if they had any experience in dealing with you. They invited me in for a drink and told me not to worry too much as you do this on a regular basis and as a lovely bonus I got to know them a little better and discovered that they are really, truly lovely people. I may even visit them again some time, or invite them over. You did me a great service.
Now, I just need to think of a calm and non-confrontational way to request that you stop feeding my furry little darling. It doesn't make a great deal of sense to complain that my cat has been out after dark if you are going to feed him. Of course he won't come home in the evening if he isn't hungry. He's a cat. You already have a far bigger collection of cats than the law allows so perhaps you could stop trying to entice mine into your gingerbread house?
Whew. She isn't an A as far as I know but wow did she push my buttons and give me ways to practice!!! I feel really good about how I handled this. Old me would have been angry and reactionary and probably made myself quite sick over it.
Meanwhile ABF is being "sober' from his drinking and gaming now that he has his job back and desiring that I spend every waking moment that he is home entertaining him. I didn't go to bed early when he did tonight and I could feel the angry vibes radiating from him...why aren't I supporting him? Because any plan to "reform" that involves me having to join in is just an excuse for him to use me as a scapegoat when he decides he wants to leap off the wagon! I'm also 99.9% sure it's because he is completely broke and cant afford booze or to renew his game subscription. But I don't need to tell him that either. I'm OK. Just gotta stick to my side of the street and everyone else can do what they like. Yeah!!!
Melly do you live next door to me? or rather, on the opposite side of my nutty neighbor who has 9-11 cats, feeds them outside, houses skunks and raccoons under her house as well as stray cats, gives MY cat medicine and there's no fighting her, will NOT stop feeding the animals outside regardless of how many visits from the fish and wildlife people she gets - they recommend taking in all food and water after 2 pm to discourage the growth of the skunk population.
She is a cat-a-holic. I've come to understand that any addiction brings the same denial and behaviors - she self-righteously proclaims herself a caring pet owner while I am not (in her opinion and we know what to do about other's opinions, eh?); she doesn't see the mess of her pet ownership - its horrid over there, she doesn't SMELL the mess - that's horrider! yeah I know, its not a word but 9-11 cats all male spraying for ownership of my half of the garage makes it reek. Funny thing is, MY two cats are loving, will roll on the ground for anyone wanting to pet them, are always out when I am, hanging out, greeting any visitors, very social cats. Her cats scatter if anyone makes a noise but I'm the bad pet owner, go figure.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It's funny when people use old age as an excuse to be cranky.... unless your the one they are being cranky toward I suppose. Hang in there,,, I'm laughing extra hard cuz I'm not a big animal person anyway and really do not notice how people take care of their pets as long as they are not starving or being abused... or... pooping in my yard... it's not my business
-- Edited by glad on Friday 13th of December 2013 12:50:05 PM
OH! I didn't realise we lived so close, ilikemyheart. Yes, that's her!
I actually feel very uneasy about the whole situation because the neighbours informed me that "rescuing cats is all she has" and she obviously has her sights set on mine. She keeps all of hers locked indoors 24-7 (which I consider to be extremely cruel, personally) and they told me that she spends all of her pension money "rescuing" cats and taking them to the vet, then locking them in her house. I wonder how many children have spent weeks crying and wandering the streets looking for their lost pets because she decided that they were "neglected"? My kitty isn't neglected. He's our darling. If he was locked inside he would be miserable. Oh, you are a nightmare, cat-lady! I'm scared to let him out now so I guess she got her way.
My kitty is an adorable sweet roll-on-the-ground moocher too and I'm pretty damn sure I'm not a bad pet owner either.
lol Cathy, of course I didn't send her that letter. I haven't responded to her at all. I'm just working at not stewing over it because it was really rude and full of threats to "report me".
I'm sorry ( ha ha ) but I think it would have been funny to send....and yeah I know it wouldn't be a good thing to do...lol. Writing it though helps you my friend.
My cats have to stay inside because anyone that has dogs and cats in this are and let them roam would be killed. The coyote population is far too big and you see no cats outside. I think the coyote's smell my cats because I could have anywhere from 8 to 12 outside the house howling in the morning.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Wow Cathy! We don't have coyotes here, in fact the cat's only natural predator is the car. That actually sounds quite scary! I don't even know what a coyote is, aside from what I have seen in "road runner" cartoons lol.
It would have been funny to send that letter, in fact I really thought about writing her something like that but at the end of the day, I know that she's very lonely and creating drama is the only way she can get a response from people. Maybe I can respond with kindness somehow. Write her a note that explains how dearly I love my kitty-cat and how worried I am about him...and how I would appreciate her help in keeping him safe? That's not such a nutty idea, really. I might try that.
It's hard to be criticized -- heaven knows we don't get too little of it. And anger and criticism usually generate more anger and criticism.
We're all doing the best we can with what we have and where we are.
It sounds as if your neighbor has had some bad experiences with letting cats out of the house. After having had too many cats struck by cars -- sometimes killed outright, sometimes horribly injured -- and poisoned by a demented neighbor, I don't let mine out either. But I know they'd love to be out sniffing the free air and wandering around. It does make me sad. There are advantages and disadvantages to both ways.
I know also that when you have a lot going on already, sometimes one more thing is enough just to make you feel that the world is just dumping everything bad on you at once.
I love the idea of responding kindly. Sometimes people who started out as enemies have turned out to be friends -- who knows? She may find that you're a blessing to have in the neighborhood!
Hang in there and keep on taking good care of yourself.
My mom's the same way Melly - she lures other cats to her door then decides that "they like it better here" and lets them inside and keeps them. Mom has 8 or 9 now, always some new stray lurking around her house - uh, because it smells like cat food and cats!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It's such a weird concept. I had a cat when I was a kid. If it came near the house, my mum would stamp her foot and ""ssssss" Animals don't come inside. Ever. A few times I snuck my cat into my bedroom and my mum went crazy! My grandma was the same. Suddenly it's wrong to let your cat outside. I have to admit, it's a little confusing.
The consensus among veterinarians and organizations such as the American Veterinary Medical Association (AVMA) is that its wiser to keep cats indoors. Considering the potential dangers outdoors, an indoor lifestyle is much safer for cats, Brunt says. Indoor cats have a much lower likelihood of becoming hurt or ill from outdoor hazards.
As evidence, indoor cats live longer than their outdoor counterparts. Cats who are kept indoors can reach the ripe old age of 17 or more years, whereas outdoor cats live an average of just two to five years. Another reason for indoor cats longevity is that its easier for their owners to identify health problems early, before they become life threatening.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I have a neighbor who is similar. She is like a water faucet. She runs hot and cold. I do the same thing almost every day. I drive out of my drive to work. I drive back into my drive after work. She gave me a beautiful outdoor pot shaped like a large man once. I sat it in a chair in my back yard that is fenced in and filled the head of the pot with flowers. I came home a few days later and the flowers were thrown on the ground to die. The pot man was gone. The only access to my back yard is through a gate in her side of the fence. I know she or her grandsons came into my yard to take it back. Why? I don't know. I have just learned to let her have her own experience and that her behaviors have nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
I did have a kid who mowed my yard pound stakes in my side of the yard by both her gates that would bar her easy entrance into the yard after the pot was taken. I figured she wouldn't like it and that didn't bother me. She put straps around her gates then. I had to laugh. The only one using a key in the lock of both gates and entering and exiting my yard was her. No one was entering and exiting hers.
She also doesn't like the neighbor on the other side of her house - a kindly lady in her 80s who says nothing about anyone. My hot/cold neighbor purposely prunes branches from trees in the other neighbors' yard that overhang their fence and throws them all on the other side of the fence just to tick off her neighbor (per my h/c neighbor ). That's illegal here, but the kindly neighbor just disposes of them. She refuses to engage in a power struggle over it all.
Neighbors sometimes are sick, too. I guess all we can do is pray for them as we do our As. The rest of it is in God's hands. My neighbor will always run hot and cold. I don't want to give her a lot of space in my head. I make sure my doors are locked when I leave and the gates will not allow her easy access into my yard while I'm gone. Other than that, there's not much more I can do. She can't reach any branches from my trees, so fortunately, there won't be any branches dumped there from her side of the fence. Smile.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 13th of December 2013 07:02:29 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 13th of December 2013 07:03:25 PM
I think that even if I could find a way to ensure the windows and doors were kept closed at all times, the cat would either find a way to pull up the floorboards or else climb into the ceiling and push out a roof-tile to escape. Lol a few weeks ago he ripped open the fly-wire to get out and jumped about 15 feet down to his freedom. He's determined.
G2B your neighbour sounds ghastly lol. I think I would prefer the cat lady.
I have to laugh at this, Melly! A determined cat tearing up floorboards or pushing out a roof tile - what a scream! Gosh, I sure do love your mind and your way with words, Melly! You make my world richer and more joyful. Thank you for that, sister.
Melly! I wish I could give you a round of applause and a standing ovation for your letter. Way to go!
As for your DA, I'm proud of you for not giving in. My own AH is in withdrawals from the liquor he started drinkingHe says he will be "phasing out" the beer. but he too seems to need me to be next to him constantly. Just a moment ago he muttered, don't go anywhere again. Not sure if he was sleeping or not, but i just laughed. I wish I was a bit stronger, and that the temptation to cave didn't tug at me. Keep up the good work.
