The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So yeah, it takes a lot of work for me to enjoy this season, especially the past decade plus... My parents and only sibling are gone, and I have very little contact with my older sons, and none with my daughter. Long story short, bad bad divorce and aftermath. So this year, my 2 oldest sons are without vehicles, my jeep is DOA in the yard, and so it looks like it's just me, my baby, who's 20, my ABF, and my furry babies ;)
I was working on mustering up some Holiday Cheer, and then today happened. The sick baby kitten died, and it was terrible, nothing I did helped her. I'm afraid she suffered, and felt dastardly about not being able to get her to a veterinary hospital. My ABF was holding her and crying. I couldn't cry, even though I was sobbing inside. I was afraid if I did, I would never stop...and I had to go to work. Neither of us could let her go this morning. She was so tiny and precious. ABF buried her and all I could think of at work was, what if she was still alive? I'm still having those thoughts now. When I got home from work, I tried to talk to ABF, but he was tuned out. I think he'd been smoking his spice. I started resenting ABF, thinking that if he had a job, or any semblance of responsibility, maybe she could've been saved. Maybe we could've taken her to the vet. If only I had a partner I could depend on... I hate myself for these thoughts, I feel like an awful person. The poor, sweet little kitten became my symbol of everything that is wrong in me and my household. I feel like I've failed my children and I can't even take care of a pet. I want my Mom; she'd know what to do.
I say that I've forgiven myself for my past mistakes, I can rationalize that they were lessons, but walking the walk is a lot harder than it would seem, regardless of what I think I know.
There are countless people on here with much worse problems than mine, all I can say is that for those of you who have lost loved ones, I send you love and understanding. I wish I could say it gets easier but I would be lying. To me it's like a scar, the pain is less outright, but it doesn't go away.
Hopefully there's some good ESH out there that will shed some light on holidays and loss.
I'm sorry the kitten died, rj. You didn't cause her troubles. You couldn't control the consequences of her troubles. You couldn't cure her troubles. You did what you knew to do with what you had to work with at the time. We can only be and do what we can be and do - no more, no less. It helps me to consider what my Mom would think and say about things when I feel a need for her. She's always in my memory to guide me when I ask her what she thinks about me or my circumstances.
You have suffered many losses from what I read here, Raven. It hurts to grieve. It sometimes hurts to grow. It hurts to let go. We help each other through it all one day at a time.
My take on loss is this - it wouldn't hurt if I hadn't opened my heart to love and to be loved. My grieving is proof that I am living, loving and learning.
Sending lots of care and understanding your way, Raven. If you're like me, you try to keep a stiff upper lip no matter what. Tears are healing. Let them flow.
I'm so sorry that you lost your furry friend. I know the feelings inside, the loss of a pet. It hurts. The holidays are a very tough time on a lot of us because of the sadness of not having family, friends and A's in our lives that don't seem to care. We can only live one day at a time and live it being grateful we have a heart and soul to care.
I cry reading your share today. I hurt inside for many and I pray to God that someday we can all have some peace.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I know this pain of grieving for a precious little animal life. When our cat died a few years ago, I, too, wondered if he was still alive when he was buried. We have these thoughts and they are only thoughts, yet, the heartbreak is raw and real. It hurts to grieve. It sometimes hurts to grow. It hurts to let go..I like this from grateful. Your little kitty has you to grieve and celebrate its life...it was blessed. Since you seem to see beyond the what is, your post is filled with wisdom for you and your life. Peace, Raven.
I am so sorry you lost your furbaby. I so understand you not wanting to start crying too. Loses build up inside of us over time. Each new lose lets the other ones come up a little. SO that it feels like all we have is lose. I hope you have a good picture of your furbaby so that you can refer back to it and appreciate the good times. That will help you get through.
-- Edited by Tricia911 on Friday 13th of December 2013 06:54:40 PM
