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As I go deeper in recovery and have more to work with, in my tenth steps I see over and over a pattern where I have accepted probably two hundred times in my life, beginning with my parents, where others will point the finger at me and blame me for their own dysfunction, fears and shame.
i am carrying the shame of so many people on my shoulders that I'm exhausted - and others see this and dump their blame on me also.
what is a solution any of you have found for this? A true spiritual solution.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Tuesday 10th of December 2013 10:28:40 AM
I too found that I had a jaded picture of myself due to my believing all the others who told me who I was, and how I had hurt them. Working my 4 through 12 th Step helped me to own my part in the madness and freed me from guilt I had no reason to carry.
I also discovered who I was and began to accept and love myself .
I hope you decide to explore this as you are worth it
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-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 11th of December 2013 07:33:35 AM
I'm sorry, I don't have a 12 step instance. But an out of the blue blaming incident a few months ago has set me off in a positive new direction now, after 40 odd years of letting other people's blame sink deep into me and cripple me emotionally. I think I had a breakthrough.
For me, the key was heading off my self-pity at the pass. I think I had to unravel the common threads in these triggers backwards in order to see how I could stop letting blame sideswipe me every time.
I used to go from standing there and taking someone else's blame (opinion, judgment) of me, to being stunned into silence, to shock, to sadness/crying, straight into self-pity. There I would stay, wallowing & depressed for days, usually. Eventually I just stayed in depression fog.
The last time this happened to me, before I learned how to emotionally defend myself against blame/judgment, I think I must've had a huge nudge from HP because I became aware how I was wallowing in self-pity, and that the self-pity was the problem, not that someone had flipped his SH** at me for absolutely no reason at all. So I googled self-pity and read 2 or 3 articles that looked like they were not an insult to anybody's intelligence. The first one I read was by Deepak Chopra. He said words to the effect that self-pity was like handing my self-worth over to someone or something else. It's centered on someone else's opinions of me. I had not thought about it like that before and it hit me like a happy ton of bricks. This led me to the realization that the jerk who yelled at me is on his own particular path through life, I'm on mine, his has nothing to do with mine and vice versa. This helped me lift all that judgment of myself AND of him, off my shoulders! And at that point I felt a huge miracle in that I actually felt some kind of love and compassion for the guy who yelled at me and had blamed me for something preposterous. So I was able to shake it off and move on, in other words.
Now this doesn't mean that I went and laid myself in front of him for more of the same unreasonable blaming, but I think he was confused as hell when I greeted him with a smile and niceness next day. Our relationship has survived, and although I'm comfortable being around him, I am keeping a slightly further emotional distance now. But I'm able to be nice about it!
I have been trying to practice this now with a much more blaming and important person in my life, and it's harder to practice, but it's still working. I do still catch myself slipping back into chronic self-pity for a few hours, but after I've shoveled comfort food into my mouth and made myself sick, that's usually enough for me to sit up and think "Hang on a minute! I've just handed my self-worth over to...xyz". It seems to be enough for me to identify my own part in the after effects of blame, for me to get better at not taking it all on, and into me.
This is spiritual for me, too. For one, I was able to dispel the whole "It's not fairrrr!" pity party by realizing that the blamer-in-question isn't fair, he's not going to be fair, it's not up to me to control whether he is fair or not. That's between him and his HP. And what's more, life isn't fair, or rather, the only fair thing about life is that nobody really believes that life is fair! I believe in HP and karma on a large scale. The blamers have their own lessons to learn and that's all their deal, not mine.
The other spiritual thing is the miracle that I can feel lovingly towards someone who is emotionally attacking me via blame and shame. Without my self-imposed heavy fog of self-pity, I feel like I have a little bit of access to HP's love. HP loves me, sure, but he also loves the blamer. It's easier for me to see that when I'm not wallowing and lamenting how unfair life is. (But again, this doesn't mean I walk headlong into more hurt, blame and shame).
If ANY of this is helpful to you, great! It's a bit of a rambling wall of text. I wish I could be a bit more concise.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Tuesday 10th of December 2013 11:41:05 AM
Thanks, both. ClearTheFog, I appreciate that great share! Yes. Accepting blame & self-pity (victimization) rather than just realizing it is not our business. And when we make it our business we think we're actually powerful enough to be the problem. Then as Betty implied, we cause harm. The way I do this is by saving them in this manner too! We have to detach from others' defects or again we're back at the playing God thing
I need reminders of this every day!
I just came from a 3-hour loving meeting of fellowship with my sponsor. It was so awesome. He has a solution that is so peaceful and ego-deflating.
I often want "fair, fair, fair" myself. It's just my ego.
God doesn't want us to suffer anymore. Boundaries and maturity on the inside and not being affected. But not does it take time and lots of growing pains.
Good thread first thought it was gonna be about my finger point and blaming and surprise!! I remember my "awakening" with my sponsor when I complained about being blamed, and judged and when I was done whining he asked me "Is it true"? I replied "Its not true" and he replied..."Then tell them". God talk about keeping it simple. The very next time I was blamed unjustly I said to the person matter of factly, "You're wrong" and then shut up and waited for what came next which was nothing...the blamer walked away. Great!! There are so many more stand up for myself simple statements that are self supporting. "That's not true" is another favorite and then I shut up and wait or walk away. Last time I stood up for myself was two weeks ago in front of the police departments commanders holding them to the responsibility of being physically assaulted, illegally jailed, falsely accused and not coming to and rendering aid when I called for it. Somethings wrong with me? Not even close. ((((hugs))))
Yes, accepting blame and being the victim is all part of being around alcoholics. Look up John Bradshaw and toxic shame....shame that is not yours to have but is given you by someone else. It is something that becomes a way of life... until you recognize it and stop it with the truth. Then you take your action and stand up for yourself. Thank you for this topic. Seems it is appropriate for me today too.
This is an excellent thread, especially around this time of year, when family dysfunction so often comes to a head...
I have a daughter who has no contact with me. It was a very painful and acrimonious divorce from her father, who had more money and better work hours, and lived in a much better situation with his sugar mama. There are things related to that for which I blame myself. Many times I have had the stinking thinking about my mistakes, how I could have fought in court for custody, but didn't want the kids in court, xyz...coulda woulda shoulda..... I wasn't well, for so long, and the effects of combined illnesses were devastating across the board. Her father (my 1st husband) wasn't an alcoholic, but verbally and emotionally abusive, absent and unsupportive of his family (the kids and I).
The positive part that I'm bringing up now, is that through MIP and the literature I'm reading, I'm not wasting time on pity parties like I would have not so long ago. I accept my imperfect past as what it is, a lesson. I won't deny that my lack of a relationship with my daughter cuts to the bone. All I can do at this point is keep moving forward and get myself better.
As for the spiritual side to this, I pray for my spiritual self to be restored, which I believe will happen with better self-care. I know that HP guided me here, I know that HP is helping me to "get better."
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Wednesday 11th of December 2013 04:09:49 AM
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Wednesday 11th of December 2013 04:10:38 AM
Thanks all.
I experienced this again last night somewhere - the passive-aggressive "let me tell you who you are and what is WRONG with you."
I am around a lot of VERY sick people and they are all over the world today.
The only thing I do is keep my focus on myself and where and how I can be helpful.
The point of recovery is to have the courage to be myself regardless and to TRUST myself.
My direct amends are almost complete save for some financial ones - and my sponsor has told me to stop apologizing for myself. BINGO!
There's nothing left for me to do but set boundaries with love and tolerance. And the love and tolerance part is important.
WTI: I can remember accepting continual criticism from my Dad who is not a drinker, etc. I'd just take it. Some days I could just let his criticism roll off my back. Sometimes, I couldn't. Either way, I kept silent. One day, we were going to a wedding anniversary party for his sister and her husband together a long distance away. He was driving. Our trip began in his drive - me, dressed in light colors - him irritated by something unknown to me. I had coffee in my hand. He backed up in his drive quickly, turned quickly, angled his car towards the road and drove as fast as he could on the drive towards the road. Coffee spilled all over my top and skirt - the only thing I'd brought from my house in a neighboring state to wear for the party.
Rather than apologize, he criticized me for things that had no bearing on the day or on my behavior. I was in my 50s at the time. It took that long to accept that I didn't have to accept his criticism. I didn't have to believe it. I didn't have to always remain silent in the face of it. Quietly, I raised my left hand with open palm towards him in stop now body language. My words were these: "No more criticism. I will not listen. You see things in me that you don't like in you. I'd like you to consider why you don't like those things and stop projecting your displeasure with yourself onto me." He was very, very quiet. I knew he was listening to what I said. I also knew that I was not going to be in a car for a 4 hour ride to the anniversary celebration and back again with a man who was thinking he'd spend his time the same way he'd spent his time with me for many years without speaking up in a way that said, "Enough," without tears, emotion or sucking it up.
That day, several years ago, was the day I declared my independence from being the kid who allowed my parents or my siblings to mistreat me just because they were having a bad day. My Dad remained unusually quiet for the next few days, but he also made sure that he took me straight to a store to buy something to help remove the stains from my clothing before we arrived at our destination. He bought it. I accepted it. He has never criticized me in my presence since that day either. He affirms me often now. He can still criticize me in his head - that's not my issue. But, I will not allow myself to be the dumping ground anymore for family members' criticism, blaming, shaming or suggestions on how I can improve. I recognize that while I do have issues I need to work on and do work on them, so do my family members. We are a fellowship of equals there, too. Just some of us aren't in the program. I also will not treat them with disrespect nor will I coddle them worried about their feelings, opinions or behaviors and how that might all affect me. Nothing can affect me without my permission. I'm getting better at saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean and letting the outcome be in my HP's hands.
Thanks for the thread, WTI.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 11th of December 2013 12:44:57 PM
