The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married 19 years and have three children. He used to be a wonderful person. Until he became an alcoholic 4 years ago. I kicked him out a few weeks ago and have started divorce proceedings. We've been through AA and alanon and individual counseling and couples counseling and counseling for the kids. It worked for a few years until he decided he was no longer an alcoholic and thought he could drink socially. It's been a downward spiral since. When I kicked him out I put huge restrictions on him as to when he could see the kids. Not alone. No alcohol while seeing them or before. No driving them anywhere. He's complied so far but he hates me beyond belief. Pure unadulterated hatefulness. How how how can you spend that much of your life loving a person and then hate them with a vengeance? It hurts. Bad.
I've cut off other alcoholic friends during this time and they are fully supporting him. Enabling him. They are all of the consensus that I am crazy. AH tells me I am crazy every day. I'm starting to think maybe I am. None of this is logical and I can't wrap my arms around it.
I am glad you found us and shared. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal illness that infects all that it comes in contact with.
It is important that you realized that you need help and reached out. Alanon face to face meetings,as you know, can offer help and support as you travel this difficult road. I urge you to dig out your old "Books" check the meeting list and begin to attend once again
You are not alone .It would also be good to keep coming back here as well. There is hope
instead of trying to figure out someone i kicked to the curb b/c of his drinking and toxic behaviour, I would be in meetings and workign the steps to figure out ME and how best i can take care of me
good on you, deciding to take charge of your life and cleaning out the negativity....now its time to go a step further w/ meetings...step work w/ a sponsor so you can get to know you, emotionally heal AND be healthier so as to choose healthier people in your life....programme is a continual thing....emotional healing is one thing....KEEPING it is why we stay in programme
who cares what he thinks???? U R only accountable to you and your HP
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
If somebody hates themselves, they can't love you. The disease destroys everything but the compulsion to use and it doesn't like anybody getting in its way. It's not personal. It just is. Al-Anon meetings will help you love yourself so much, the disease won't be able to hook you as it can now. Glad to see you here. Keep going to Al-Anon meetings. Keep coming back here, too.
Active alcoholics cannot stand rules and conformity. Do your best to stick with alanoners right now that know what you are going through. Detachment will help you. You are absolutely not crazy. Supporting you....
((((sotiredofit)))) welcome to the board and there's not denying that I was crazy when I was back there and I realized it and stopped denying it or reacting to it. When I was called crazy...I admitted it without blaming or judging. I just replied "You're right and not for long". One of the consequences of this disease is (naturally) insanity. Don't fight it...owned up to it and smile. At least it hasn't been fatal for him or them...You haven't killed him...yet?...or any ot them...or yourself for that matter.
You don't know how to do this yet. In order to you have to do what we've done...the worldwide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups...there is no way you can be alone cause we are as wide as we are deep...all you need to do when you won't find a meeting is to enter the MIP rooms and read and share. You have to start somewhere; start with focusing on sotiredofit. We're in support...Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
When I read this statement: We've been through AA and alanon, we don't "go through AA & Al-Anon", its a life time program, a way of life, one day at a time, I hope you will choose TODAY to jump in head first because you are worth it!!
Jerry made a good point. I just avoid the term "crazy" cuz of the harshness of it and how folks often respond to the word. But yeah, after being in it and around it (the disease) so long, it warps you and has you engaging in "insane" behaviors which generally fall around having expectations that an addicted person will act rationally and with some form of compassion when in actuality, they are not capable anymore.
It would also include asking questions you know the answer to, such as "How did he become so hateful after we loved each other so long?" Alcoholism took over. You know this. It's cunning, baffling, and powerful. So sorry this happened to your husband, to you, and your marriage.
I love al anon because the people here have learnt me so much about alcoholism and what it has done to me my partner and the whole family ( it is a family illness).
your hyusband sounds like it has got a good grip of him at the moment.
My partner has been in AA 4 years and sober 15 months this time. when he slips I get out of the way and protect myself from the disease I go to as many al anon meetings as possible for support or I go down with him then it gets the kids and everyone I love.
A older timer once shared how it was a choice to listen to the sickness, she told me how she used to sing nursery ryhmmes in her head when A was spewing the sickness at her.
Another shared how she counted the slats on her back fence when washing the dishes to ditract her mind from the craziness. I have used these methods and they work ha\ve saved my sanity.
Today I can seperate my A from the disease they are so ill when they start to get better you realize how sick how horrible its is and its not just that they are willfully bad. But when they are active it can be dangerour for our minds so I protect myself and only way I can stay in what is real and what is BULLSHIt is by using my al anon tools.
I read your post a few days ago and I kept thinking about it. I once heard the root of anger is fear. Maybe he is fearing the path his life is taking and instead of addressing the fear he is lashing out at you. (transference of blame)
I know it took a lot for me to admit that I had a problem too. My ABF is sick, but until I found al-anon; I was too. I cannot imagine what it is like to be on the alcoholic's side of the story. Denial (especially if it is fueled by other alcoholics) is actually their way of coping. And avoiding the black hole in their soul. He is the only one who can help himself.
Another thing I had a hard time with is I kept remembering my ABF as he was instead of who he had become. He wasn't the same person I met 9 years ago. I hoped that he would morph out of this 'phase' and suddenly be the man I imagined him to be. I had to accept the fact that he isn't that person anymore. Don't get me wrong, he isn't a bad person; he is just a different person.
Hold your head high and know that you are doing your best for yourself and your children. If you stick with al-anon, your future is going to be bright.
