The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As all of us do, I have a long story. My life has taken me to a place where I am not entirely sure what to do. To sum up, I am deeply involved with an alcoholic who is beginning recovery, but I am not his wife. He already has one.
I am a 41YO woman. For almost 3 years I have been in a relationship with a man, an old friend. I have known him, off and on, since we were both 17. At the time we reconnected, both of us were married to others; each of us has kids, and we had not seen each other in almost 15 years. At that time, he had been sober for about 8 years. We live several hours apart, but see each other regularly. We have also been in contact of some form or another on near daily basis for these three years.
A year after the relationship began, I separated from my husband, and I have since gotten a divorce.
About 18 months after our relationship began, my old friend told his wife about this affair but they never embarked on the same process of discussion and soul-searching that my ex-husband and went through (for many months before the separation). They just stopped discussing it, and right around that time my old friend began drinking again. He and I had discussed his past drinking (and recovery) enough for me to know immediately how devastating this situation would likely become.
Although I did not drink with him, I enabled his drinking in other ways. I was also not with him all the time, and thus somewhat in the dark as to exactly what was going on with the drinking.
The main thing is that I failed to act on what I knew in my gut to be true--that allowing him to pursue a secret or semi-secret romantic life with me was fundamentally incompatible with sobriety. In retrospect, it was not enough for ME to be honest in my dealings with my own spouse. I should have refused to continue the relationship with my old friend until such a time as we could be on equal footing, each honest, each free to continue with the relationship, each equally committed to each other.
About 6 months ago, the drinking, which had been sporadic initially, escalated tremendously. It took over his life and became a primary concern for everyone close to him. It led to a DUI, several hospitalizations for detox, suicide threats, getting kicked out of his home (but only for a day or two at a time). I have not seen him in several months because I told him I could no longer see him while he is drinking. I have been going to Alanon meetings locally.
He entered in-patient rehab about a week ago. He called me last night. It was so good to hear his voice. etc., but I am conflicted about whether I should be talking to him or not. I know that 12-step programs advise not embarking on new relationships in early sobriety. The strange thing here is that we are not in a new relationship--we have been emotionally close for years now and our relationship began when he was sober. Add to that, he and his wife stopped having sex many years ago, and I have been his only sexual partner for these three years. But the fact remains that I am not "his family" and at the very time he was attempting to sort out the significance of his relationships with me and his wife, and what to do about it, he started drinking again.
So I don't know whether it would make sense for him to have no contact with a person whom he loves and feels connected to. Not to mention I love him and want to be there for him. On the other hand, if it he can't be honest with everyone from his sponsor to his therapist to his wife about wanting and needing this contact, it seems like it would be very counterproductive to his recovery.
I guess, typing all this out, I am realizing that I should tell him to focus on recovery and try to end contact with him.
Don't worry--I am not seeking validation either of this relationship or the choices that led to it. I accept that this story may be troubling to many readers. I am interested in your thoughts and experiences, though--because I have not encountered any story quite like mine. It's hard to know what to do as the long-term emotional/romantic partner of an alcoholic who also has a spouse.
Whatever he and I have got, it's a real relationship, with depth and a long history, but it is also a real mess.
I'm glad you have found us. You will find much wisdom on these boards and in the room of Al-Anon. I hope you'll find a face-to-face meeting too. They say to try 6 because they're all different.
It seems clear that your A has some problems he hasn't been able to handle successfully, and that things have escalated until he's got professional help involved, which sounds like a very good thing.
A person who is in thrall to alcohol isn't really available for a healthy relationship, which means that this man is sort of doubly unavailable. That doesn't mean he isn't wanting to keep you in his life, but he has some hard thinking, healing, changing, and work to do before he can he a healthy partner to someone, or even to himself. That is a hard road and often takes years. And the sad truth is that only a certain percentage of alcoholics -- less than 50% -- stay sober longterm. Your A has already had this catastrophic relapse, which demonstrates how powerful the disease really is. What you know about him now is that he is an unavailable man who relapses. Sadly that is not a good pattern to be going ahead with. It is certainly very important for his well-being that he does everything he can to work his recovery.
Paradoxically the most important thing we can do to help them in their recovery is to concentrate on our own recovery. Even if you get healthier and he were to stay stuck, the dynamic has to change because half of it has changed. And the tools of Al-Anon give us strength to weather whatever comes: hard times or healthy relationships.
Read all you can on here, get the literature, find a meeting that's right for you, start looking for a sponsor -- and keep coming back. I know it's all hard. Hugs.
Your story is very similar to mine, I'm 42, left my husband 3 1/2 years ago to move in with a man that I knew from high school. I got a divorce, he didn't, they are getting one now, but we fought over his divorce for the first year and a half. I thought I needed to have my will, not gods will. Thank god I met him, because I probably would have never found recovery.I'm in recovery, he's not, but he's dry and my thinking has changed. I love him so much, he's my best friend, and this is the first normal relationship either of have had. My experience follow your heart, take it one day at a time, don't over think any of it. One of the most important things I have learned over the past few years is to enjoy every moment. Life is short and who gives a flip what anyone thinks on this board or otherwise? My god loves me, accepts me and doesn't punish me for any of my decisions. My esh*Do what resonates in your heart for you ;)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. You are correct 12 Step programs do suggest not starting a new relationship until at least a year in program .
Alanon also suggest that we not make any major changes in our life for at least one year while we attend meetings and develop new insights into ourselves and our needs.
In alanon if there is a problem of alcoholism in your life then you belong There is no judgment nor does anyone give advise. In alanon we are each supported until we learn how to look within for the answers that work for us.
It is here that I learned how to break the isolation caused by the disease of alcoholism, learned that I am not the unique person I thought I was and that I could identify with others who are walking this painful road of loving an alcoholic.
Alanon face to face meetings are held in most communities and I suggest that you search them out and attend. Living with the disease we too develop habits and responses that require a program of recovery.
Living one day at a time, focused on yourself, trusting the program, huge changes will happen
Keep coming back here There is hope
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 1st of December 2013 09:17:37 PM
The last sentence of your share is such a potent reminder for me which was shared long ago by elder in the program. "Usually when you tell your story the truth of it comes out in the end and the solution should follow". Your story isn't so unusual and yes your relationship is a real one. Mine were all real and still are as long as I have memory. There is no doubt that I am a loving person and I have loved the person I was with (sounds like a title to a song) with the truth also being that I picked the wrong people to be with. I had to learn where I came from and why I did the things I did because until I reached the doors of Al-Anon and the steps, especially the 4th, I had no idea about the person I had lived my whole life with and didn't know anything about...me. "Why do you do the things that you do"? my sponsor use to ask and then followed it with "why do you do them that way"? That was my conundrum...My only problem was me; my only solution was God and the program.
Welcome to the board...sit down and listen like you do at your meetings with an open mind, learn as much as you can, ask for help and practice, practice, practice. Of course keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
