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I've had this forum saved on my phone for months. I've never known what to write and still don't honestly. First things first, my name is Michelle and my husband is an alcoholic. My story could go on for days and days just like any of you I'm sure. I'm 28 and he is 31. We've been married 2 1/2 years. We have a daughter who is 22 months old. I also have a 7 year old from a previous relationship and he has a 10 year old son from a previous marriage he never sees.
I work full time and provide everything for our family with the exception of a little money he makes donating plasma. He has an impending disability case which I used to believe completely and have slowly started feeling like he faked. He's got some issues but I have found out over time they are almost all alcohol related. I try to be open minded but when you've been through hell and back you start to second guess yourself.
When we got married he was sober. I married him knowing his addiction existed. He slipped up for one day a few times here and there. February of this year is when everything went downhill, right before our daughter turned one. He went to get his hair cut one afternoon and when he walked in the door and his eyes looked through me and not at me I instantly knew he had been drinking. I left for dinner with my family without him and we argued over text and it was even more clear he was messed up. Eventually he stopped responding and when I got home he was gone and I found a half dozen empty pill bottles, an empty cup, and his phone. My first instinct was that he was putting on a facade. I called all his family and no one heard from him I was worried. I called the hospitals and the jails. Finally I called the non emergency line to see what could be done and they sent a search and found him laying in the road of a park with no pulse, not breathing, and a temperature of 88. He stayed in the hospital intubated for days. He woke up and took several more days to come around. He couldn't remember much. Spent some time in Two Rivers and as I now see it, lied his way out. Everyone felt so sorry for him. If only we knew this was just the beginning.
Since then he has drank numerous time. Over and over. He goes 4-6 weeks sober and starts over. He's in these endless cycles. He takes care of the house, cooks, etc and then starts slacking off and before I know it he's drunk again. He's disappeared to his cousins on numerous drinking binges. I always go rescue him. One time I refused to let him come home. I took it so far as to move so he couldn't find me. Over time we started seeing each other again and he was going to a rehab program and doing well and staying with his mom. She's overbearingly religious and lives in denial. She's a fake ass bitch, keeping up with the Jones' selfish woman and she kicked him to the curb because God told her the devil was keeping him away and he needed to go home. So he got back in. Come to find out he'd been drinking every night there too.
On one drinking binge when I chased after him and made him come home he threw everything in my car out the window, including his wedding ring, and then tried to jump out the window.
The last big thing that happened before now he left and I didn't follow him. I let him go. I decided he can drink himself to death and I wasn't going to stop it. Then one late night 8 days later I get a call from the police and the vehicle in my name and been found. The driver took off on foot. Turned out to be his cousin stole the truck. He took the keys from his mom/husbands aunt who had taken them knowing my husband was drunk. We pressed charges for that. I paid $400 in tow fees and sold the truck. I wasn't taking that risk every again. He does such stupid shit when he's drunk. When I went down there to find out what the hell happened he begged me to take him for help and I said no. He begged and pleaded. So we went to the hospital again and he stayed for a long time. I made it clear he could not come home without inpatient rehab. He was supposed to come home for 1 week until the bed opened. I was so proud for once he was going to do what was right. Well boy was I faked into it AGAIN. He decided he didn't want to go and would work his own programs. I.e. nothing.
Since then I've been hostile. I've made my
feelings known. I've not hidden them. I told him I will leave one day since he refused help. I told him rehab or divorce. I said it months ago. The addiction I can deal with the lack of wanting help I cannot. And if it's not drinking its pills or its marajuana. I want nothing to do with any of it!
This week I felt fed up again. I made it known. He dropped the baby off with a neighbor and drank his life away again. Only this time he crossed the line for the last time. He kicked in the door to our apartment. He tried to steal the TV, destroyed the place, and sprayed bleach all over the carpet. The police did nothing of course. They never do. They said as long as we're married it's his property and he can do what he wants. Whatever. The next day I woke up and I said I'm ready, meaning I'm leaving. Ironically that day my bank called and asked if I needed a holiday loan. I believe in fate and destiny and that was a sign right there.
I've started filing out divorce papers and I'm finishing this weekend and going to the courthouse Monday morning to file myself. When he's destroying property we don't own (apartment doors and carpet) he's got to go. Not to mention I've got to protect my kids. I think he's staying with his father who is also a loser living in denial. I'm really worried I can't get him served but as long as I can show the police I've done what I needed to to change the situation I think they will protect me.
I'm so upset about all of this. I wanted it to work. There's so much more I could tell but its all a broken record. I can't keep reliving it. It's got to end. It needed to end months ago. I feel really sorry for my daughter because I feel like he will abandon her. I've realized with the son from his previous marriage he didn't fight for him. There's a lot more to that story than I know or care to find out. I just realize he won't fight for anyone. He's sick and I hope he gets help before he does end up taking his life.
I'm trying to keep my momentum. I'm too young to be living this life. I've got a lot going for me and he just creates a bump in the road. Thank you for reading.
Welcome to our group...you are not alone....alanon which i hope you will embrace will show you how to be your best friend and take care of you and those poor kids......you need you....they need you....
i have been there done that and never ever going back to that hellish, hopeless life......that is me...my choice
some folks stay and try to grind it out, the best way they can...some leave and , yea its scary, but with the program and your higher power as you understand it working along side of you, it does get better......
There IS a better life with program and as you get healthier, you demand better, you dont' "settle" you don't sell yourself out on a lost cause.....I know....I did it and i look at the hard lessons i learned out of it
the only one i can help is me.....remember the story in the bible about "unevenly yoked" that is so true....in the old days, oxen would pull these loads with yokes around their necks.....IF the oxen weren't in sync...weren't pulling together, they litteraly could break each others necks.....so the proverb about "unevenly yoked" does not work..... i want to be "yoked" with someone who is equal, at least, contributor to the relationship...healthy....respects himself....treats himself and others with honor and respect....holds up his end of a relationship....i can't have it any other way....not now....not with recovery and confirmation that i am worth a decent life.....
glad you are here....keep working this program, it really really does show you how to be your best friend and with that, you become better in all your endeavors, be it relating with others, but also your job, your life, everything seems to just get better...more positve......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You've been through a lot and it is great to read that you have realised that these problems do not need to be in your life. You are young and there is so much ahead for you and your daughter.
I think that you will find lots of support on these pages - there is so much in your story that we can all relate to, including the grief for the dreams that we think could have been. For me, I find that I am healthier when I focus on what I need, what I want, and when I refuse to engage in AH's crisis. The turning point in my life came when I stopped using alcohol as an excuse and started to simply think about what behaviour I would tolerate in my life. I started to protect my own self respect and ease of living above all else. It has not been easy, and it is so counter intuitive for me, but that change in my thinking has worked well for myself and, incredibly, for my husband as well.
I remember the first time I came across an alanon meeting - it helped me in ways that were sooooo unexpected. You see, the alanon meeting was slightly delayed so I nervously hung out with some rather attractive, sparky, good looking guys for five minutes. It was fun and welcoming. When the alanon meeting was ready to start the guys started setting up for their own AA meeting. Oh, I see, that's why I liked them so much!! I went through to the other room and there I met five kind and loving people - and they were all completely knackered! And that's when I realised that was exactly how I felt - I was worn out - and I wanted my energy back! Since then I've been to a few more meetings (I live in a remote place so it is not easy) but each time I've learnt a little more about this strange life that we all share and each time I'm inspired to get back to my old self. I hope you don't mind my sharing this with you, but I guess what I'm really saying is that alanon face to face was a safe place for me and as a bonus it helped me to answer some questions that I didn't even know that I had!
Take good care of you - I hope you stay with us for a while so that we can help you on this journey.
((((((((hugs)))))))) Welcome! I am glad that you are here! You will find lots e/s/h within these posts. Read and learn. You have been living on the crazy train... We all have and with Alanon you will learn that you can heal and learn to love life again. Living with an alcoholic is difficult, living with a drinking alcoholic is often time, more than anyone can handle alone.
That was a powerful story. I admire your strength and inspired by you really following through this time. I hope you can attend alanon. Even though you are leaving, it will still help.
Keep coming back to this site even though you leave. It will help! And good for you for being there for you and your children. Someone needs to be sane. Good luck. We have been there. It is hard to be strong about someone you love, as you know they are sick. But being sick doesn't mean not getting the help you need. Good luck!! Try to make some face to face meetings if you can. I know that is hard with young children, but some have babysitting available. I also have a young child and this site and the online meetings have been a God-send for me. Take good care of you!
Hugs and welcome .. I have two children 14, 9 their dad has completely checked out on them. It's been 5 months at this point since he's seen them and 2 1/2 since some lame text and phone call. It gets better .. even though I'm divorcing I still continue to attend alanon. This disease is going to be in my life through him for the rest of my life and my kids life. Hugs ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When I first divorced my former husband, I went to Al-Anon at the request of a counselor he went to see and I agreed to meet with to "help him." I felt insulted by her suggestion I go to Al-Anon. He was the one with problem. He was the one destroying our family with his drugs, alcohol, partying and violence. I went to Al-Anon but my heart wasn't in it at first. Fast forward many years when I was faced with my son's alcoholism and drug addiction. I was so grateful that I'd done program work - Al-Anon, CODA, and some ACOA - for the years before he was swallowed up in this disease. I agree with the others. I do hope you go to Al-Anon for you! It can make a lot of difference for you and for your family. Keep coming back here, too. You're not alone.
Aloha Michelle and welcome to the board, the MIP family. I relate to your anger and hope that it stops eating you as mine did when I first got into recovery. I was angry and rageful and one of the people I took it out on most was me. I thought my alcoholic/addict wife was a bitch until I found out that alcoholism and addiction is a disease. She became a sick person and I came to understand. She didn't want to live that way either and was like myself powerless over alcoholism and that our life had become unmanagable. That is our first step of the 12 steps we live with. We means the fellowship of Al-Anon. My alcoholic/addict wife and I are no longer together. She's sober last time I knew and I am also and we had no business being married from inside the disease. The only part of your life you can manage is your part. Trying to do two parts is impossible without the help of the alcoholic/addict. He sounds very very sick and very very responsible for getting help so that he can live thru it and with it.
I almost wish your story could be a alcohol advertisement because it is honest and true and would change others perspectives and behaviors I feel and yet alcohol is a very very powerful chemical and disease which destroys everything it comes into contact with.
Like others here I suggest (what has worked for me also) that you get into and stick with the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area. The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your are and come take you seat. There is always a chair waiting for the newcomer. Keep coming back here also so that we can support and love you and help you loose the anger. In support (((((hugs)))))
Welcome home. You sure have had more then a lifetime of it. I applaud your strength and wisdom to do the next right thing for both your daughter and yourself. Our kids learn by watching us. When we continue to accept bad behavior they in turn believe, "Oh, that must be how I'm expected to react in my marriage".
I applaud your honesty, I applaud that such a young person as yourself has found the courage to reach out and ask what must I do to better my thinking with my bad choices of allowing him to return.
I've heard it said you can always tell when an A is lying, it's when their mouth is moving.
Keep coming back, find local meetings for your sanity and well being, for your growth as our addiction tends to be to continue missing them, wanting to fix them wanting to believe them.
Actions speak louder then words. So glad you've decided to get off the crazy train.
Thank you for all of your kind replies. It's extremely helpful to hear from people who have been there and survived it! I will take these words of wisdom and try my best to remember them.
I attended one al anon meeting months ago. I was having a terrible time of it, left work early, and despite not having a babysitter took the baby with me. I knew I wouldn't be turned away. They were extremely welcoming and I left feeling relief. I would love to go again and I know of one in the evenings after work and they have babysitting. I need someone in real life flesh and blood as well as this online support I can always reach out to. I only have one concern with attending al anon. Will it make me feel like I should've fixed this marriage or will it help me accept the decision I'm making? I'm still struggling with emotions and probably will a while but despite my feelings, what I KNOW keeps staying on top.
I saw my sister in law at the store earlier. It was hard. I was honest with her. She agrees a person can only take so much. She's the only one in the family who makes me not feel bad about my feelings.
My husband called earlier today also. When I heard his voice I almost hung up. He asked if he could see his daughter. I asked who's phone he was using and he said he turned himself into the psychiatric hospital. I said I'm not brining her there I don't want to see you you can ask your mother. He said he's leaving Monday and is trying to stay with her but if he can't he will have to go to a homeless shelter. I told him he can see her Tuesdays and Fridays and every other weekend if he lives with his mom. This coincides with my work schedule, babysitting schedule, and visit schedule my son has with his dad. He said he has to talk to his mom because he doesn't have a car. I said that's not my fault. I asked why his mom didn't call for the baby on Thanksgiving as planned. He said he called and told her I didn't want him anymore. Ridiculous. He went on with the normal lies. How he won't drink anymore he's done feeling like this etc. He doesn't even know what he did. He can't remember. I felt sad talking to him but at the end of the conversation I felt the same. He's still him. More than I'm willing to deal with.
I didn't tell him I'm filing for a divorce. I asked him to let me know where he's staying so we can discuss the baby some more later. I'm so scared I won't be able to serve him! One day at a time though....
Alanon will teach you how to take care of yourself, in the midst of the disease. Alanon will help you understand what others have gone through and what they have learned about alcoholism and addiction. Alanon will not tell you what to do in your marriage, it will help you understand you have choices. Alanon saved my life, I hope it will save yours and your children's too.
In support og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
HMW~ so glad that you are here & telling your story....it helps to write it out(talk it out):) you are NOT alone! Al-Anon is for YOU, our thinking becomes distorted without even realizing it while living with the disease of alcoholism...so please get to f2f meetings, we DO need that blood connection, physical contact in Al-Anon saved my life! You are doing all you can to take care of you & your children, good for you!! You are doing the next right thing to keep all of you safe!! You are not being unreasonable about your husband seeing the baby with supervised visits with his mom:) You have alot of courage that many of us do not acquire until years in the program:) The more meetings you attend, you will find a special gal that you really connect with that you will be able to ask to be your sponsor...she will be your saving grace in this program, she will love you unconditionally as we do, she will help you work the 12 steps of Al-Anon which will reveal all the answers to your life:) I am a truly blessed & grateful member of Al-Anon, please continue to give yourself this gift, YOU & YOUR CHILDREN ARE WORTH IT:)
