The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a picture of my "mama" Aunt Helen...Maternal Aunt...She is in a nursing home now, going down that spiral that Alzheimer's takes our loved ones down....Do they know they are sick?? Do they really know that life is ebbing away, slowly, inexorably??? I think they do.....I think they know that the quality of their life is diminishing and yet they are in their bodies, doing what they can to fight off this downward turn.....
Not long ago, only a matter of a few months, I would call her and she would call me her "baby baby" I was always her favorite b/c I looked so much like her...a strawberry blonde xrox copy of this feisty, talented, animal lover who could write, sing (I was actor) she could play the piano (me too) I think I got my writing skills from her...She was...Is a fighter....Don't tell her "you can't" because her answer will be "oh yea, I can, you watch me"...that spirit, that refusal to give up, give in to defeat is what has kept her going now for going on 93 years....and me too...Growing up in a terrible home that I did, my being like her, kept me alive...
So you can imagine how much we have had to share togther....She joked with me that my being so much like her, it was like she was talking w/herself when we would discuss things....
I savored our conversations like I would a juicy steak...chewing slowly, enjoying every bit of that dinner , knowing that it could be my last real "equal" conversation....I called her at least 2x per week, savoring our cherished laughter moments and our serious talks...She knew she was always important to me b/c I would ask her for her advice to confirm to her that "yea, mama, I am grown, but I am still your girl and still need your wisdome"...Even tho I knew the answer, I still sought her advice...She loved it...
Slowly , this year things began to go "down hill" for her...She would be more depressed and it would be harder and harder for me to make her laugh....Her "not so good" days began to increase...She would get tired more easily...I had to call earlier and earlier in eve. so as to not disturb her...
THEN the dreaded moment came....My cousin and Friend, had to move her into a "last stop" nursing home for the Alzheimer patients who no longer and take care of their basic needs....No more showering by herself in her assisted living apartment...No more directing the music entertainment for the other old folks...No more living in her OWN space in her OWE apartment......Now it is a cottage/dorm where she shares her room with another.....Now she is constantly monitored and supervised even in her meals...She is never allowed to be by herself (something she used to enjoy, to be with her own self and her creator to just BE) now that is gone....up until today, she would , when I would call, get all excited and happily , walk to her cottage phone that she now shares and take my call, she would be more and more "not with it" but still be able to take my call and respond with her happiness at hearing my voice
Today , another change......Today I called (I only call once a week b/c that phone is shared by the others and its more difficult getting her and I don't want to usurp the phone where her roomies have their calls too) I call today and they had to bring her to the phone.....sit her down.....and she could not hold the receiver....nurse told me and offered to hold it for her and put phone on speaker......I spoke through the phone and said "Hi mama, Its me...your girl.....I LOVE you....." i never heard her voice....only the nurse narrating to me her responses.....she nodded.....somehow mustered up a smile.......and when I said "Mama I love you and I miss you..." her eyes teared up......her old body and failing mind showed fatigue, even in her tears......she sat in her chair and silently cried as I told her how I felt........I told her i wold call her again and I would never forsake her......her response???? smile and tears...
I am losing her ...piece by piece she is leaving me...her children....her friends.....Am i sad??? I am sad I may never really get to talk to her again, but I know her next place will be happy and she will be free and sitting in front of a BIG piano, playing for the other angels......
I am , I think, more sad for me b/c of the love we shared, but I believe that love, like the light, never dies, never dims, it only goes to another place...another frequency and I will savor her love once more....In the mean time, I will stand by her...Love her....stay in her life....and even if one teeny part of her brain is receptive, I want it to receive the knowledge that she is LOVED....Today was a hard day....a "face the facts" day....I must begin the process of loving detachment as this disease takes more and more of her....I will hold my head up, though b/c I stood by her and staid till the very end, whenever that is......I am grateful that I had her in my life....I am grateful that I took after her....I am grateful for the gifts that i inherited from her..........Mama, thank you for being mine and thank you for being you......I will call again, next week......
Before I even read your tribute, I thought to myself how much you resemble her. Thank you for sharing his. It reminds me to cherish what I have at this precise moment in life. Sending prayerful thoughts your way...
So good looks run in the family? What a beautiful picture.
And a really loving and beautiful tribute as well - thank you so much for sharing it with us.
It isn't easy at times like these, but it is a time when we can really feel what love is all about. Sending blessings and ((((hugs))))).
I am crying like a baby.... What a blessing for both of you. How lucky she is to have you in her life. I remember the heartache and loss as my Mom was going through the same thing. Peace to you and thank you for a gentle reminder for compassion to all.
I have been at the bedside of two people I loved with Alzheimers. Both were very near to mortal death. Both had severely diminished mental capacities. Each had her way of letting me be there with her. We spoke with our hearts. It was prayer. I'm so glad you had Aunt Helen to love you for such a long time and Aunt Helen has you. Hugs, Nesh.
