It's my birthday .. goooo me!  I was reflecting on the past two years today and the changes that have come either from outside forces or just because it was time. 

What has changed .. a LOT!  What hasn't changed .. a LOT!  I had to laugh to myself.  Let's see this all started 2 years ago (well longer however the catalyst of when things were going to change was put into effect 2 years ago).  That is so hard for me to believe for such a long time I could only think in terms of days, weeks and then recently months .. now .. I think I'm ready for years now. 

2 years ago I decided to make a trip with my mom to see my Great Aunt for the last time before her passing.  The anger, resentment and rage I was met with was shocking to me.  It came out every direction, front ways, sideways, back ways, .. it was like Charlie and the Glass Elevator.  That I went on that trip was HUGE.  Normally I would have cowered down and said no J's going to be to upset I shouldn't go.  Without Alanon I wouldn't have gone .. I couldn't have gone and faced my mom .. LOL .. forget about leaving and having J so angry.  He was working on his next enabler at that point and had been having an emotional affair up until that point. 

I'm sooo grateful that I went.  It was what pushed everything over the edge though .. I am soo glad I went.  It might have been months of a crippled marriage still going down a bad path. 

By Jan 2012 he had moved out (thank you HP!) .. by May 2012 I filed for divorce.  Now I'm still married so that part hasn't changed and I laugh about that one.  I really dislike atty's .. I'm in no hurry with facing the fact that the money is going to go down I will not have insurance and I can't afford the health care.  So why not use what I can at this point. 

What has changed .. I am still left wondering how the kids and I will survive AND live .. we do ok.  HP provides and I don't always make the best decisions .. that's ok .. I'm doing the best that I can and I am starting to make better choices so that is a good thing. 

I'm a slow learner and a fast forgetter what can I say.  I know I have a place to stay through winter at least .. that is a good thing.  Hoping a new job comes up .. looking in a different direction though trying to find something that will work with court, the kids and financially.  I am blessed and I know it, I praise it.   I have a LOT to be grateful for and things get harder and easier all at the same time. 

Honestly with all of what is going on my over-all health is a blessing.  I def have to make some changes there and plan to especially while I have the time.  So exercise is a must 4 - 5 days a week nothing heavy to start off with.  The kids are doing so much better .. the therapy they are in is a HUGE blessing.  I have been blessed with that as well.  Hey if I have to say I'm still married I'm taking advantage where I can .. LOL!  My daughter has worked her butt off and is on high honor roll this last quarter and gearing up to end up with it at the semester I'm incredibly proud of her.  She's never had high honor roll always could have and I was just unfocused in a very unhealthy way.  My son .. he's a profound little bugger.  My little Yoda with a heart of gold.  His year is harder and it's the whole 4th grade out of the elementary work and moving into higher levels.  I remind him it's ok .. he just needs to do the work and the rest will follow .. watch his sissy .. she's a testament to that fact. 

We are creating some new traditions and the kids are excited about that (me too!).  I'm looking forward to cooking Thanksgiving Dinner this next week.  The kids are excited as well.  So really .. life is good and I am grateful for the over all opportunities I have with them that are not completely lost. 

What has changed .. everything and nothing all at the same time.  I know I've changed .. I'm taking steps I never thought I could and that is exciting.  I've learned more about the court system than anyone should know and I will share some of the insanity that has happened with that situation .. (insert eyeball roll).  I'm neither here nor there with the STBAX.  I don't feel compassion for him .. however I don't feel anger either.  I still think he's a dumb ass .. sick or not .. he's still classified as such in my book.  The detachment I feel is disconnect which is seriously bad for him and his atty.  Honestly, I don't care if he looses his job, I don't care if he goes to jail, I don't care if he gets sober,  .. I just don't care and I don't feel numb .. that's a sensation for me.  He equals radial acceptance for me .. this is who he is today and that just is what it is.  Whatever I feel is weird and unsettling.  He is the product of his choices .. no different than I am .. we always have choices .. how distorted is my own thinking that I can't see them.  So what's the best thing I can do for me?  Step back and in an unemotional way look at the choices in front of me and decide what is best for me. 

Still hitting meetings .. it's more of a hit and a miss really.  Unfortunately with these changes I have had to change significant relationships in my life.  His s/mom attends meetings and she wants to see him as she wants to see him not as he is and that is her right.  I don't feel safe sharing in meetings now after a few comments she has made in the past.  I did attend a meeting with her there last week and I was struck that I have changed a great deal .. I'm no longer seeking her approval .. really anyone else's for that matter .. again .. I'm just neither here nor there.  I attended the meeting because I knew that a new comer was coming and I had been the one she approached about meetings.  I was sooo grateful that a long timer who had been away from the meetings is now back .. she's amazing.  So I'm thrilled is beyond measure.  It was the right thing to do.  I also know I choose how to protect myself. 

Much has really changed and I am grateful.  Still struggling with some character defects that I am letting go of slowly .. I will .. this is one of those time takes time situations.  Those haven't changed .. they will and I'm working hard on my 4th step .. not so scary with the support of my therapist.  Love that man .. he reminds me of my grandpa.  LOL!  So .. I guess as I reflect more has changed than not.  THAT is a good thing. 

Thanks for letting me share, hugs S :)