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I have separated from my AH 2 months ago and trying my best to get on with my life, while caring for our 2 young girls, working, doing the household...etc. The last 2 months have been an emotional roller coaster, some days I am fine, other days I feel depressed. I feel I can manage (just) to get through the days, crashing on my couch once the kids have gone to bed, totally exhausted. I am worried about the future, I live away from family and more and more I feel lonely especially at night time when I am sitting on my couch watching TV....
On top of that my ex AH is trying to make my live really difficult by sending me abusive text messages, ringing me all the time. When he comes around to see the kids he makes smart remarks, trying to get me into an argument. He blames the failure of our relationship solely on me, refuses to take any responsibility. Laughs at me when I say that I left because of his drinking. He keeps telling me that I destroyed this family, took the children's dad away, upset the family (his family), anything to make me feel bad. He is threatening me to go to court to get custody of our children, he is threating me that he will kill any guy that will come close to our kids (he is convinced that I am cheating on him, which I am not). Last week he smashed my bedroom window to gain access to our family home. He doesn't have a key for the back door and I refused to un-bolt the front door, so he just smashed the window. I rang the police to file a complaint but theoretically its still half his house until we have finalised the paperwork through the lawyer (I am buying him out), so police cant do anything.
I know he is heart broken, hurt, angry and confused but I decided to leave this relationship because I could no longer deal with daily drinking, disrespect, verbal abuse and constant arguments. I know it was the best decision but I am feeling really low at the moment. I try not to listen to anything he says but somehow it still gets to me. Especially when he threatens me with court actions to get 50/50 share of our children. That scares me the most. He is not a bad father and I do want him to be able to see his kids in future but no overnight stays and no driving them around in the car.
When I look at whats in front of me I feel scared and worried. Property division, custody battle with children, work and financially supporting me and the kids, plus looking after our two beautiful girls (1 and 4). Phew, how much can a woman take??? And some part in me asks: "What about you?!" I have no time for myself, busy running around doing stuff all day, no family around, lonely...I feel sorry for myself and the way my live has turned out. People keep telling me that I will go through this and that I will come out on the other end but it sure does not feel like it right now. Far from it.
And my ex AH still goes to bed at night blaming me for everything, thinking he was an awesome partner and father. Washes his hands clean of any responsibility, denying that he has any kind of problem.
The other day I thought it would have been easier just to stay with him....
Thanks for listening xox
If anyone has experienced the same and has come out on the other end, I would love to hear from you!!
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this and I can see that it does feel lonely especially when responsibility is not being shared. Are you able to go to face to face meetings with alanon? I think that finding people who truly understand the insanity of alcoholic behaviour is miraculous and helps us to realise that we are not alone at all.
You've got a lot on your plate for sure but life will get better. I think at times like this it is really important to look after ourselves - even if it is simply indulging in a cup of hot chocolate when you are resting on that couch Anything that makes you feel cosseted or empowered is good. You are right to ask 'what about you?' What is your answer? What do you need and are there any little steps that you can take?
What my AH thinks is his choice (and I don't believe that he believes his thoughts anyway!). Our relationship has been badly damaged by his alcoholic behaviour and the result is that I know my thoughts about him have changed hugely. The main reason why my thinking has changed is because I do not see AH taking any responsibility - the denial is still so strong. As for breaking windows - I'm sorry, but in my book that is frightening and abusive and well done to you for calling the police. If it happens again I hope that your reaction will be the same. You and your children should not need to witness that type of threatening behaviour.
I have not come out the other end (still plucking up the courage and the honesty to step into the tunnel!) but I've read enough and heard enough to know that life goes on and that when we focus on ourselves it does get better.
Medi, I share a similar story. I'm 22 months into the A in my life being gone. 18 months into a very expensive angry divorce. There are a few things I would have done differently .. not many actually. I have two children 9, 14. Thankfully they get more of a say in what does and doesn't happen with visitation. I do encourage you to get to meetings and/or counseling. You need support especially being isolated the way you are from family. I would also suggest you stop engaging him on any subject outside the kids. If everything becomes a fight it's wasted energy. I was able to get an EOP emergency order of protection. For me that was huge my blood presser went from sky high to nothing. He took a situation to far and the harassment was unreal. There were work friends coming by pulling around in my driveway .. NOT ok. Be prepared to fully be a single parent. Learn to ask for help when needed especially with your kids being so young. If I didn't get a break I would loose my mind .. lol. Love my kids .. just holy cow. My stbax hasn't seen his kids in 4 1/2 months unless you count Starbucks as he tried to come in for a date lol! Eop did stop that, my kids were like seriously!? That is something we do laugh at now. The clock is still ticking on that one. Get temporary support asap. The courts turn very slowly. I was able to get access to everything pay stubs and everything. It still took 6 weeks and stbax's arty is a snake big time. A woman I spoke to said 10x she went to court against this atty and nothing happened for temp support. The goal was to starve the kids and I out. It was a very tough time. There are 3 kind of artys snakes, sharks and foxes. Find a Fox. They don't say yes to everything. They want what is best for everyone. I would encourage you to talk to people at the court house. When I need a dr I talk to nurses. Talk to the clerks and just say if you were me who would you choose. Go from there. I can share a million stories. I just encourage you take all emotions out, take care of you, remember children have no choice and no voice in these situations. Even when my stbax didn't pay he had always had the opportunity to see the kids. He has made a clear choice not to. I just want to be very clear about that. More he goes to jail, there is an alcoholic incident .. whole different ball of wax. Figure out what mountain you will die on and claim it. The other thing is what you are feeling is completely normal. It's going to be that way for a long time. I know how far I have come by how I'm doing emotionally. There will always be good days and bad days .. it's what I choose to focus on during that time. I have to hold very close to gratitude. Sorry for the book lol hugs s:)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am sorry you are going through this Medi, Im glad you are reaching out though while your kids are so young, it will be so good for them to have a healthy mum despite having an A dad. There are many things you can do to stop that horrible feeling of helplessness. You can block his calls and texts if he is abusive, you don't need to have that if it makes you unhappy. You could arrange a meeting place to give him the kids somewhere busy where he gets no chance to try the manipulation tactics.
Of course he blames you, they don't get it, maybe never will unless they get recovery, don't take it personally it seems to be the nature of the disease. My ex still thinks I made all the decisions about ending our relationship, he couldn't believe it, he said things like I never gave him a chance to get himself together, he never knew his drinking was destroying our relationship etc. Nonsense, he said it was all my decision, in fact he used it against me when I needed help with my youngest son - he said that i wanted to be on my own so I can deal with it on my own, such an a**hole!!! Thats how much he actually cared for his kids, he easily sacrificed them to make his point. The point was that he would go to any lengths to not take responsibility for his own actions, much easier to blame me. However, what he did not count on was my refusal to take the blame and cave into his demands. I saw right through his ploys to get his own way. Its like we are dealing with toddlers who have a tantrum when its not going their way, stick to you words and they get it soon enough.
You said he is hurt and upset, well that will be true but what is he upset at? the fact that you are not bending to his will anymore or that he feels loss of his family? Your feelings, hurt and sadness are more important for you. These are the emotions that belong with you, not his, they belong to him to figure out and work through, it is no excuse for him to punish you for his feelings. Your wee kids need you to work through only what belongs to you.
As for going to court to try and get the kids, my suggestion would be to keep an account of all his bad behaviour, a diary, smashing the window, keep careful notes and the police incident report or number, save all his abusive texts, times dates etc. He is using the kids to emotionally blackmail you, its not about their welfare or him actually wanting them, he probably knows he couldnt cope as a single Father, he wants to affect you in any way he can. Its like warfare, you need armour to protect yourself. Alanon was my armour and it did not take long for me to have everything I needed to quickly put him in his place. I have peace from him now, completely. Find an Alanon group as soon as possible because it will give you hope for your future, it will get you out meeting new and important people to your recovery, you will begin to see things clearer. Ignore the whole A issue for a while, concentrate on you. You know what hes up to, hes drinking and thinking of ways to get at you, boring, its your life that could get exciting and better. Take care and keep coming back.x
This too will pass. Until it does, lots of prayers for you and for your family. You've already received really priceless e/s/h. I do wonder why the police think they can't do anything just because he co-owns the house. He is harassing you. Is there something they can do about that? As far as thinking it might be easier to stay with him - once the disease knows it has the upper hand, easy won't be a word that can be used with much integrity based on my own experience with an angry, out of control alcoholic.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 17th of November 2013 03:50:16 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 17th of November 2013 03:52:22 PM
If he thought he was all that awesome, he wouldn't need to drink just to get through life. Alcoholics have big puffed out egos and are loud and demanding, while at the same time, they are crushed, broken, and insecure on the inside. So...don't worry what he is thinking - He is not in his right mind anyhow and his thoughts likely shift from "I am a piece of crap" to "Everyone should treat me like a king" in the span of a few seconds. It doesn't make sense and neither does the disease of alcoholism.
I hate that you are in such a confusing spot that is so painful, BUT, I love how you shared and you are very in touch with feelings. You are not in denial and highlighted the essential struggles you (and others) separtating from an angry drunk go through. The next step is to just trust your HP and try not to get overwhelmed. Thoughts of what "might" happen with custody and so forth are too much. Deal with what's in front of you. Often people stay in relationships with neglectful and verbally abusive drunks out of fear of shared custody, fear that the alcoholic will get worse...whatever. Living in fear is no way to live. Do your best to be in contact with your HP. Thinking about everything in totality and projecting into the future is not going to help. Also, keep reaching out to alanon. We are here for you. You sound very brave.
I have been where you are and I am sending you all kinds of strength and good wishes. This early period is the hardest and it will get easier, I promise.
Your ex-AH sounds out of control and he is proving just how wise you were to separate with every move he makes. He may intend to be a good dad, but smashing a window in your house is not being a good dad. That would be terrifying to any child who understands what's going on. They are most likely too little now, or at least your one-year-old is, but I wouldn't lessen your protection of either of them. No overnight visits sounds like excellent protection. I'm glad you notified the police even if infuriatingly they thought they couldn't do anything. (Breaking a window in a house you own may not be illegal, but breaking a window while in pursuit of your partner sounds like a version of assault to me -- if he were trying to hit you and put a fist through a door instead, wouldn't that still be assault?) Anyway, a lawyer should be able to enter that behavior into evidence when/if the courts decide how much access to give him.
I agree with others and from my own experience that trying to convince him, calm him down, etc. will all be useless -- alcoholism causes insanity and he can't see reason any more than a delusional person. He may look as if he could be sane but he is not sane.
I separated from my AH when our son was 2 because, although I should have left the crazy behavior behind earlier, when it was clear that he was not sober enough to be responsible for our child, I knew protecting our child was my most important priority. And I finally came to accept that he was not going to stop drinking.
In the beginning it was hard because our child was so small and also because all my energy had been focused on trying to make things livable despite the insanity of the drinking. That used up a huge amount of energy and I hadn't coped with other things. So I didn't have a support system. I gradually made one. I was able to get our son into part-time daycare, where he made friends, and I practically stalked the parents of those friends, lying in wait in the hallways and being all friendly to them! This despite the fact that I was exhausted and freaked out. I thought, "It takes a village and I need that village and darn it, I am going to get that village." I started suggesting playdates and kid exchanges (you have my kid over for 2 hours, the next day I'll have your kid over for 2 hours). I urged the mothers bringing over their kids to go out and do errands or to go home and take a nap, not to feel they had to stay while their kid was playing. This was after they had stayed a few times to make sure everything was going okay. They gratefully went and did things while their kid played, and then of course they made me the same offer! And my child became very sociable and adaptible about going over to friends' houses, which was so helpful.
When they start school, everything gets much easier. By that time I had built up a system of parents of his friends, so that we traded around after-school care. (I am guessing you might be in the UK? If so, the system of after-school care at the school is much better than in the US, which is a huge help.) As my child got over, he loved having overnights with friends, and that was a huge help too. Of course that meant friends spent many overnights with us, but that actually doesn't add that much to the chaos, and is so much fun for kids.
By the time they both are six, which I know feels centuries off by now, everything is incredibly much easier.
Take all the help you can get, work your support system, and hang in there. You are a mama tiger for your kids, and that is so wonderful. Hugs.
Prayers and good thoughts from me too. I have often wondered if at any time they ever really take any responsibility - whether they tell someone or keep it to themselves, I would think at one point or another they would have to see the big picture. But, this is a terrible disease. Take care.
Anything that makes you feel cosseted or empowered is good. You are right to ask 'what about you?' What is your answer? What do you need and are there any little steps that you can take?