i, too am married to an active acloholic, the father to my dear child as well. fifteen years. i never thought detachment could be possibe yet a year ago, i hit a real low in our marriage and i poured my heart onto these boards, connected with some fellow survivors, found a sponser and dug deep into who i am and who i want to be TODAY. and well, im still married, we share our home and child and im ok. its not a walk in the park by any means and i do get angry and anxious and all of that BUT more times then not im able to let go. i have chosen to stay in this martiage first because my child is my life and sharing custody of her is not an option for me, my home is my home. . ours, where i want to be. now granted. . im alone with my daugter . . a lot. . two to three times per week plus the hangovers. . but im ok. im not worried where he is. . he calls, i listen, i pray and place him in Gods hands and enjoy the comfort and company of my daughter. i text and email friends. i get lost im silly apps and games and best of all, i let it go. its not a perfect picture. its not my dream marriage but my daughter is, and my well being is getting better and well, im in control. .second to my God, that is, and im ok. keep coming here. if its in you to stay and your safe, you can do it and be ok. its one minute, one hour and one day at a time. a cliche for sure but it works. God bless.

I am only calm and coping most of the time due to alanon. I was a depressed and anxious mess several months back. My A dominated my thoughts, my pain, and I had little joy in life. Doing all the things that Theoceancalls said is exactly what is helping me. My A has started program but it is a very slow go. I do not have trust nor the respect I once had. I am also staying right now for a variety of reasons, money and health are two of those. All I know is that with this amazing help and a wonderful sponsor, I think I am feeling the best I have in my entire life. And there will still be awful days ahead but I am gaining the tools to help me. Best, Lyne

Wifeofanalcoholic,

It really can happen. Sometimes it is harder sometimes its easier. I have only been in Alanon for about 3 months. I am also in a codependency group so I try to stay on track and read my material daily. I also go to my meetings. Meetings really really help. So do the daily readers.
My AH has been through treatment, but often still drinks odouls which basically makes him act drunk. It has been a painful painful existence for me for the last 10 years, but he HAS changed into a different person..now he is kind to me and treats me well. And I am blessed to have found this program and to be working it.

I had a rough couple of days this past week and to get out of it found myself going back and focusing on step one. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-and our lives had become unmanageable". I sat on that for a while. I am powerless over what my husband says, acts like, what he does, what he says, etc. If I am powerless - truly powerless, then I can't do anything to CHANGE anything he does, says, etc. And If my efforts are fruitless (and they ARE and probably cause more damage than good)then why am I wasting all of this energy? I wasted and often still waste a lot of energy trying to plan ahead, trying to talk him into things or out of things etc. I was almost obsessive about it. I had twenty different scenarios of what could go wrong and how to fix it, to the point where I would actually make the effort to lets say go to the grocery store to buy extra whatever (just in case), but there were 10 different just-in-cases. But it is fruitless and It was making MY LIFE UNMANAGEABLE. So what if something did go wrong.. I would deal with it right then, or not. It is not the end of the world. I found I was wasting the huge majority of my life worrying and trying to please or take care of him. I remind myself that if he is not willing to do it for himself, they why should I?

Let go and let God. That was where I started. Since I know that my higher power is in control, It was easier to remind myself that *I* was not/am not in controland therefore *I* cannot control my AH. That is what got me on a better path. Now I am much better able to release the constant desire to convince him to do this or do that. Not to say that I don't forget and try to take control back! lolbut God has his back the same way God has my back. Often, instead of worrying about him, or fussing or fighting with him to do something. I would remove myself from the situation and pray. Pray for God to take care of him, pray for god to give him peace, pray for God to give me peace. Remember this is a spiritual program. Taking time for yourself is not selfish and it will help your recovery.

JADE: Justify Argue Defend Explain: You don't have to Justify yourself, you don't have to engage in an Argument, you don't have to Defend yourself, or Explain. [this reminds me that I am allowed to remove myself from the situation if he is drunk, and that my thoughts and feelings are of value.]
YOU CANT ARGUE WITH DRUNK  THere is no point in engaging in conversationhe is sick ...imagine if he was on a painkiller after surgery..
I know that you WANT to have a relationship with someone you love or loved but wanting something and it being realistic are just not the same thing, (((hugs))) that is a very hard thing to get over. I am so sorry. remember to be easy on yourself, You (like I did and do) are probably going through a grieving process.
ACCEPTANCE: this was a big thing for me. I lived in denial. denial of my feelings, denial of reality, denial that things may not pan out they way I want (there's that control again). When we are able to accept things for what they are we are then given the freedom to move *through* them, to deal with them, and to come out the other side - sad perhaps, but hopeful.
EXPECTATIONS ARE PREMEDITATED RESENTMENTS: Alcoholism is a disease. A person without a disease might be expected to empty the dishwasher or feed the dogs. It would certainly make your life easier. But the thing is, that if you EXPECT someone with a disease to feed the dogs and he doesn't.not only is your life still not easier, but you are stressed out and resentful. YUCK. I don't mean to say that they get a free ride, but lets get real here.it is what it isthe dishwasher won't get emptied.

These are some things that help me get through my life (even though my AH is in recovery). It did not happen all at once for me. and I often slip back into my old thought patterns. But then again, those old thought patterns didn't get me anywhere good. That is not to say that all of your negative thought and frustrations aren't NORMAL, that you shouldn't "feel". you need to feel and own your feelings. But alanon helps us turn those crappy feelings into ....freedom. Awareness (for me) is key, and talking to Alanoners is essential. Please find a meeting. and keep posting.

I know this is super long, but I want to share something with you, which astonished me. It shows the power of the program.
MY o'douls drinking AH was hanging out with people who painted our housewho all drink beer. He ended up not coming home. He texted me around 4 -he was handling a "couple of situations" lol! and he was OK. He ended up being gone the next day too, and came home at 1 last night. I literally was not worried. I only texted him in the morning to see if he was ok. I texted twice (a few hours a part) all I said was are you ok?, if had not responded I would not have texted again. I was home, I put my feet up and enjoyed a quiet house.
A few months ago, I would have called, I would have texted, I would have been worried, I would have been anxious, I would have thought about him or thought about how wrong it was constantly and ruined my night. But - I didn't! go me. The sweet freedom of Detachment.

When he got home at 1, he was already on the defensive. I realized that no matter what I said it wouldn't change anything. he is going to do what he wants and say whatever he thinks is the most effective. I had already let all my anger and bitterness leave my body the day before.(just let it go) So I just said I love you too, lets go to sleep. (I was already asleep). Now, my change in attitude changed HIS attitude. : ) I am not even stressed out about "boundaries", I still think he is working out his new lifethe same way I am working out my new life in recovery.

I wish you all the best in YOUR recovery. (((hugs))) It will happen.

-- Edited by sadsusie on Monday 18th of November 2013 09:15:21 AM

-- Edited by sadsusie on Monday 18th of November 2013 09:26:05 AM

I am not perfect at this at all.  For me, it has been a slow process, in a lot of ways similar to the grieving process.

For me, I had to start my completely letting go of all my control issues regarding his drinking.  I don't count shots.  I don't speak to him about it.  No more interventions, no more tears, no more begging for him to put the glass down.  No more low-brow comments about how he was "just a stupid drunk," because I was angry and wanted a reaction.  As soon as he comes home and pours that glass, I disengage.  No conversation about anything important.  I turn on the tv, or read a book and he can drink whatever he wants.  

Sometimes I still slip up.  Something will happen (last night as an example) and I will expect him to help.  When it doesn't happen, I have to stop playing the victim and realize that I am asking him to be someone that he is not.  It is disappointing, yes, but i know who I married, and those expectations and wants are mine alone.  

I have accepted that I am not married to someone who has the capability to love me the way that I want him to.  That doesn't mean he doesn't love me- he is just incapable of showing it to me In the way that I want.  So, I accept that I'm not going to get some of the things that I want- and some of my needs I will have to meet for myself.  

Even within a relationship, you need to be a whole person, and I think that is what I am constantly working on.  It is hard.  Choosing to stay is a path that takes much strength, patience, and courage.  I wish you the very best.