The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I found myself having a big reaction today and I thought, "Where the heck did that come from?" I was buying some big bags of pet food with my son, in a store that didn't have carts, and when we had pulled some out to take up to the register, my son wandered off to look at pets and I couldn't find him. I knew he was safe -- he's too old and big for someone to make off with him -- but the trouble was that I was left with a pile of heavy bags to carry by myself. So I started lugging them up to the register, but I found I was just so upset and emotional.
So I was thinking about growing up and how my family was so dysfunctional that I often thought I was the only one keeping us going. My father was checked out and my mother was always acting overwhelmed. And both of them were just ineffectual. So when I was a kid I was arranging things and planning and organizing and cleaning and phoning and taking care of myself. Because if I didn't the whole thing degenerated into chaos pretty quickly, pretty scary chaos.
And surprise! My AH was just the same as my parents. I guess I thought that's how things always were. Other people just check out and I'm the one who carries the weight. And eventually my AH totally checked out by being so unreliable and drunken that I didn't dare entrust anything to him. So we separated and he makes an effort to co-parent but his effort isn't like having a real helper. It's good will that gets nothing done. That's better than hostile malice but it's not like someone who actually pulls their own weight. He doesn't even step up for his own life, let alone his kid's. And, needless to say, he's not the only guy I've ever been involved with who leaves it all up to me. I have special radar for finding them and making them feel at home.
So no wonder I'm having a big reaction. I'm tired of living this way. I'm exhausted. I'm not sure what the answer is because I can't make anyone step up. Meanwhile there's a lot on my shoulders. But I'm sure determined not to get into this dynamic again.
I'm right there with you - been so busy holding things together, so capable, gliding like a swan top side and paddling like a crazy thing below the surface. People say 'oh nothing fazes her', 'so elegant' blah, blah. And I know that I am that wild woman with hair frizzed out and panting to reach the finish line No wonder I became so worn out and, dare I say it, bitter.
I still really struggle with this and like you it dates back to childhood. I had cause to be self sufficient then and by 16 I really did think that I knew best!
The answer for me has not been easy and I am still swinging like a pendulum but my answer is - when I see something going on that I would normally step in and help with I ask myself 'can they do that on their own? should they be able to do that on their own.' If the answer is yes then I just sail on by and leave them to it. Trying not to feel guilty about it in the process is the tough bit!! You are right, you can't make anyone step up, but that does not mean that you have to step in. The look on peoples faces when you make this change is priceless by the way!. OH heck - does that sound bitter??
Rest, relaxation, humour - for me they are all more important than saving their world these days.
Milkwood, I totally get it. What I mean about doing it all is mostly about being a single parent and raising our kid -- only one kid, so you'd think it would be easy compared to some, and I'm sure it is, but I'm still exhausted. Holding down a job, keeping tabs on my son (who has some dyslexia and things like that), advocating with the school system, dealing with doctor's appointments and dentist and who's driving him where and what happens to him over the summer when I work, plus where he goes when I'm on travel for business, plus all the money issues, and then my ex drops remarks like "What do you mean can I take him down the block for a haircut? I spent several hours looking after him last week plus I bought a pizza!" And then he says, "You know all this is easier for you, that's why I can't do it." Useless to argue -- spent too many years trying. I know it's crazy talk but sometimes I am just TIRED. That's why when I had to carry the extra bags of pet food I just felt like strangling somebody, or maybe all the people over the decades who have left it up to me. And if I don't do it the kid doesn't get looked after and the pets don't get fed and neither do I. A friend was talking about how her husband made lunch and I thought, the last time someone made me a meal -- well, I don't even remember, it was so long ago. But I have to remember, "My choices, my results." Gotta make better choices, because I'm paying the price of the results.
Mattie - hats off to you and to all the other single parents out there in the world. I think that you do an amazing job and however tired and worn out you all get, I am full of admiration because it is so worthwhile. I hope that you find something really really special to do, just for you, today - I hope it is a special treat that will let you know that you are worth looking. ((((Hugs)))))
Hi, Mattie: I so relate to your post. My parents weren't like yours, but being the oldest of 10 kids with a very active and driven mother who wanted things to look like the house and her kids all came out of Good Housekeeping and worked morning to night caring for our home and for us in her Martha Stewart way (God love her - no criticism meant here of Mom - she was an exceptional person), a lot of the responsibilities did fall on me because Mom just couldn't care for so many children and a three story house complete with a basement and the yard and the interior decorating in the way she thought necessary without a lot of help. I was too young to carry the burden of so many responsibilities, but if my parents said "Do. I did."
I got so much better at this until some major losses occurred in the last several years. I chose in some cases to do more than my share again, like I did as a youngster, and wore myself out in the process. Learning to listen to myself again and considering what I need for me to feel comfortable in my own skin and in my own life again has required me to make some really hard choices and utilize energy to make the changes as a result of those choices. My sponsor has been a life-saver to me in the final stretch of saying goodbye to more than any one person is truly capable of doing with joy and vitality. I am really glad you had that experience in a pet store that doesn't have carts. I see some big changes coming from you for you! Maybe starting with another pet store that does have carts?
Lots of hugs, Mattie. Being a single parent with an A for the other parent is no easy road to travel. I wouldn't want to do it again. That's true.
My daughters father was very much like this for years. Still is, really. He left when she was 6 months old. In the early days he would spend one hour every second Sunday with our daughter and then go on to everyone about what a great dad he was! Then it progressed to every second Saturday night; he would pick her up late and drop her home at the crack of dawn on Sunday. One Sunday morning I texted him to say that I had stayed with friends overnight and would be a bit late getting home. He told me if I wasn't at home to receive our child, he would drop her at the police station! He was quite serious.
I really do get your frustration.
He has matured a bit now and pays his child-support and spends time with her regularly but he absolutely refuses to assist with or even discuss anything to do with her day-to-day life. He has made it clear that I am absolutely on my own as a parent and he is just there to take her out to fun places when it suits him to do so. But you know what? It doesn't bother me anymore. I feel a sense of pride that I managed just fine without him and never lost sight of my responsibilities as he did. Of course I have that special radar just like you and managed to find another guy who can't and won't step up...I'm glad you have your eyes open and don't want to do that again.
It's hard and it's crappy but you can do it because you are strong and awesome! And it really does get easier, and somewhere along the way, the feeling of being over-burdened and exhausted and uncared for gives way to the realisation that we are experiencing the joys (and horrors) of parenting our children and those sad irresponsible fools are missing out on so, so much. I feel sorry for my ex now rather than resentful, and grateful that I was able to hang in there through the tough times because, like most parents, I don't even think about the horrible, difficult times now. I am just grateful that I was there every day to experience the miracle of watching my baby grow up.
I can feel your exhaustion and I know it well. I was a single mom of two after I divorced my first husband aka Peter Pan, then I married an alcoholic and had two more children, worked full time in an directorship position and, managed our household. I was one burned out mama. It does get easier when they are out on their own, though. This forum is like a big cushy lap to sit in when I am tired and I am tired today. Hang in there...I will take one side of the lap and you can have the other
I get it because you could be describing me. Carrying the weight of everything, that was me when I was a child and in my relationship with my exAH and in my relationships with my children. I always take on more than my fair share. I know for me its the whole martyr thing, you know when you take it all on until it gets you down and then you realize that no one asked you to do this, no one asked you to carry their load, there are people who will gladly let you, even expect it but no one can make you.
so it takes us back to us, why do we feel that need? For me I think I have always been the people pleaser, even as a child, my Mother was depressed a lot so I took on the role of clown to please her and make her smile. That set the scene because my exAH presented me with lots of things that I could fix. So I took on many roles in order to try and please him. Before long every responsibility was on my shoulder, children, household, finances. Everything, he could not be trusted and I was the fixer not him. In some level, if Im honest, I got satisfaction and some sort of validation being able to say 'it was me that held it together' what I never realised until now was that it should never have been held together, it should have been allowed to collapse years before and a new brighter future would have been born. Its like a really over the sell by date vegetable that has rotted and moulded but your still trying to get something out of it. That was my relationship, my life really.
Hands off is a good simple slogan that allows things to be natural, if someone doesn't pull their weight then I suppose it means there is a consequence for that person unless they have people like us who will run and catch them so they dont feel the benefit of the consequence. I am learning to let things fall as they should.Only pick up my own workload, even with my children, and setting boundaries around that. Its not popular but its the right thing to do. Great post, really helpful. Thanks.x
((((Hugs)))).....It's hard enough being a parent, and being a single parent you get double everything. Let alone having to deal with an A.
Lots of hugs and love being sent your way...XO
No wonder I became so worn out and, dare I say it, bitter. 