Hi

when i first got into recovery, i had to either cut out  or distance myself from a lot of people.....some "cuts" were permanent, some just distance, some cuts were temporary as i entered recovery

any non supporters, went....for how long??? depended on how healthy they were for me.....abusers, no brainer there...GONE.....folsk who didn't understand and were baffled by my condition, but loved me, i had to gently put distance until i was well, healed enough to explain to them what was going on...

it was tough, but i was in the "do this and do it big  bc this is your last shot at life"  it was like if  alanon and acoa, coda  did not work, i was considering suicide b/c to me , ending my life was the only way i was going to feel safe.....it wasn't about hurting me or punishing me or trying to control anything, contrary to what a lot of folks think,  ending my life was the LAST resort for one who just wanted to feel SAFE and have some PEACE and have some HOPE and not feel like crap all the time....ptsd out of control...anxiety crippling me....

i still suffer w/these conditions, but i think working steps 1,2,3 and meditation, willingness to love ALL parts of me, even the dark side, should help......accept that the trauma happened and now i am safe from it.....do more inner child connection, communiation.....i think that will do a lot for managing my symptoms that are pretty bad sometimes.

i am hyper reactive, which when life throws me a bad experience, it is doubly hard on me b/c of the helplessness i feel,  being "victimized" and it triggers the "out of control" life i had as a child....i still haven't reconciled that i am adult w/ SOME choice if not a LOT of choice.....even if releasing me from the karma is the only thing i can do..........be with my feelings...don't deny them,   empathize at the unfairness thrown at me w/out wallowing in self pity, but empathize with me and then work my options, what i have and  LET GO.....be willing to just release it to universe......disconnect from the unwanted karma  and DONT fight it whatever i do...

i am practicing this and this latest seige saw much progress,  however experience overload if it is the unwanted kind does take a lot out of  me......i can't do it for a sustained period of time b4 i have to and do shut down and rest.....

so yea, i can relate to this stinking condtion which is hell to live with....if i can manage my symptoms where i can feel good most of the time, I will think i am in good shape............

for a while, in recovery and even now doing steps  3 and 4,  yea it feels like i am sicker b/c i am DEALING and FEELING  not running away.....facing it is hard on the nerves, at least for me.....but if i don't face it, my emotions will invoice me bigger, later bc my body "stores" all that unfelt energy that i am stuffing or ignoring.....

so being w/my feelings and LOTS of self nurturing, and eliminating avoidable stresses , be they human or inanimate,  cutting back on avoidable stressors helps me.....taking good care of my body as well as my mind and feelings.......it all adds up....

take care.....take Xtra care of you, even if it means telling some folks  "i just can't deal right now, i need time for me"......too bad if they don't like it.........i have had to do it....i have a relative that i like quite a bit, but she shows NO sensitivity for folks who have a condition like mine or are poor and struggling and becoming fearful of meeting my needs ok........so i had to tell her that  unless i am in a real polyanna mood, i wanted some distance.....i told her that i loved her but no longer would engage in arguments and fights w/her.....i don't need the stress......if i am honest about my feelings and state that i am not feeling well, she jumps on me and tells me to "snap out of it"......well DUH...dontcha think that I WOULD if I COULD???  (snap out of it)......

you do what u gotta do to get past this...the ones who really love you will understand and support you....the ones who dont' support you?? like this relative??  no loss, not really.....when i am feeling good and life is not kicking me down, yea, i will chat w/her,  if it is "ok" for me to do so....however, i want my distance....the ones in my life in my close circle, I can be ME...i can feel sick from the nerve crap and they are supportive....ptsd and anxiety are hell.....but bc they are invisible, many times we are invalidated, demeaned and even chastised like the relative of mine did not long ago.....i don't need it nor will i live with it......

I WISH i had the finances to get a therapist.....but i do not....some of us folks struggling to make ends meet, just don't have that luxury...

I would go if i could afford it, but w/ less work coming in, i had to cut BACK, not increase my expenses....and for my kind of trauma, it wold take a specialized therapist and they aint cheap.....

i always thought that willingness and reparenting,  discovery of myself.....understanding why i react the way i do, why i am triggered over certain things

i dont' believe i will ever get all the shattered pieces of me back, but i just want to at the very least be able to manage what conditions i cannot overcome......

so what do we do??? we do program and hope for the best.....poverty is a curse...there are a lot of things i could be doing better with if i had a therapist.....the type of therapist i would need, my medicare /humana would not cover but so many visits and i wold need more, i know.....

so i try to get into my body the best way i can via mediation, grounding, etc, talking about it when i need to, writing letters then burning them,  doing mindful exercises, practicing staying in the now,

some of us just have to work w/what we have and hope for the best w/out great big expectations.....