The material presented
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level.
My ABF has anger and depression issues and as you can imagine he gets really riled up after he has been drinking. For the last year he regularly rants about killing himself. He says self deprecating things like "I am worth more dead than I am alive" "I wish I had a gun to end all my pain" and "it would be so easy to drive my car into a concrete barricade on the highway and just be done with it".
3 years ago he was drunk and depressed and took 35 Ambien. and he was almost successful in ending his life. It is a long, stupid story but my codependence saved him. He was involuntarily held by the state for 72 hours of 'observation'. The experience was so awful it actually got him sober for about 2 and a half years. When I say sober I mean no booze but also no AA or therapy. He switched his addiction to food and gained 100+ pounds.
At the time of his suicide attempt, the doctor said that if I had let him sleep the Ambien would have caused his breathing to slow down to a pace where he would have eventually suffocated. Now, when that happened 3 years ago he had not been ranting about suicide. He got into a fight with his teenage daughter and she said some mean things that lead to him feeling hopeless. There was no forewarning.
About 6 months ago he started drinking again. To be honest, I am relieved when I get home from work (at 5:00pm in the afternoon) and he is asleep/passed out. There are no pain killers or Ambien in the house so there is no chance of that happening again. I tiptoe around so I do not wake up the sleeping beast. If he wakes up and is still drunk he will start ranting about killing himself again and I don't know what to think or say.
Maybe this time he is just looking for attention or validation? Who knows? His thinking is so irrational that I have given up trying to understand. Someone recently told me I exhibit symptoms of PTSD from all the years of his verbal abuse. I usually just sit there and listen to him because there is no point in trying to reason with him.
I have been attending face to face meetings that I have found to be helpful but I am ashamed to admit (publically) that my home life is so far out of control. It is like an awful rollercoaster. He is unemployed and 2 days ago he took my dogs to the dog park. He got into a verbal altercation with 2 elderly people who accused him of feeding their dogs treats. He didn't feed their dogs treats but he has no control over his emotions and his ability to communicate rationally. He threaten a man and then sat on a bench away from everyone else yelling about how angry he was.
I guess I am writing this post to just put the situation "out to the universe". I am not sure what else to do. His mother is in complete denial about what is going on OR she does and she doesn't want him to become HER problem.
Maybe it is what you signed up for; perhaps his illness brought awareness to your illness and addiction of co-dependency. If I were you, I would throw myself into as many meetings as possible during the week, get a sponsor, stay on this forum and read everything on addictions that I could get my hands on....you will see hope if you work your program. Your HP may have brought you to your hell so you can gain the tools to strengthen yourself and live a life that is free of the effects of other people's crap. None of us need to stay victimized by other people's sicknesses....we have choices. Keep coming back...as they say in meetings (Paula's version), you may not like us or what we have to say, but we love you....
I'm glad you've put your story out in the universe - I think that you will get some good feedback as a result and perhaps realise that you do not have to deal with this on your own. My AH has also talked about suicide - I've told him that he needs a level of help that I can not provide but that if he needs help reaching out to a professional I would be happy to help him with that. He hasn't mentioned it much since.
Re tiptoeing around - how are you coping with that? I've found that when I do that I build up a fair amount of resentment and stuff my emotions way down deep - to feel better I need to find a way that allows me to be myself in my own home.
It sounds really tough and as PP says, we do have choices. Take good care of you and please know that a lot of us living with alcoholics live with crazy making situations so there is no shame in speaking out. People here and in meetings probably understand and recognise a lot more than you imagine. (((((hugs)))))
I am so glad that you found us and have been attending alanon meetings. As you know alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. We who live with the disease understand as few others can . As a result of interacting with the disease, we too become sick (Exhibit PTSD symptoms) and need a program of recovery Alanon is that program.
Please remember that many who are at your meetings are living in or have lived the same insanity. I urge you to continue attending and find a sponsor that you trust so you can share on a deeper level. Al It is in sharing that we are healed
Please keep coming back here as well You are not alone
You have choices here. You don't have to listen to him. Phone emergency services. Get help because if he's serious then there's nothing you can do and if he's not then at least you won't have to listen to his selfish manipulation. I like - if nothing changes then nothing changes. This is your life not his life with you sitting on the side line watching. Alanon is where you will get the help you need to make the changes needed to improve your life.x
Welcome. You've received really good e/s/h. I'd like to add that as far as being ashamed about what is happening at home, many of us have had home lives that are incredibly painful. I once asked a close friend of mine to pinch me because of the nightmare I was living. I was hoping it was a dream. It wasn't. I don't live that way anymore.
We don't have to share all that in a meeting, but the more we go to meetings, the closer we get to some of the people there and are more able to share what is happening in our homes or did happen in our homes. It isn't your fault he is so sick. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. You can continue to come here and go to meetings and you and your home life will improve over time. Glad to see you hear. This is a good step in reaching out for help and taking care of yourself. Keep coming back.
Maybe it is what you signed up for; perhaps his illness brought awareness to your illness and addiction of co-dependency. If I were you, I would throw myself into as many meetings as possible during the week, get a sponsor, stay on this forum and read everything on addictions that I could get my hands on....you will see hope if you work your program. Your HP may have brought you to your hell so you can gain the tools to strengthen yourself and live a life that is free of the effects of other people's crap. None of us need to stay victimized by other people's sicknesses....we have choices. Keep coming back...as they say in meetings (Paula's version), you may not like us or what we have to say, but we love you....
I could not agree w/ Paula more....You dn't have to keep suffering...U can stop it now.....the life boat has ALANON written on the transom.....I woudl jump on and be travelling towards self awareness and self love ....the more you love yourself and know your self, the less of this crap you will want in your life.....this is not living this is existing in a dark pit of despair....as Paula says, we have a CHOICE........and we don't have to be victims, NOT with a strong program........maybe this guy was drawn into your life so you could see YOU and the codependency that i am seeing in your post....Creator works in mysterous ways....people come into our lives for a season (usually a mutual need) or a reason (usually a lesson) OR a life time....I would think this is "door #2"....PLEASE get into meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps, practice the slogans read the literature and really come to know and love you so you can demand and receive a hell of a lot better life than this......
I am glad you reached out....that tells me you want change....only you can affect that.....this program is a "save your own life" program....it will teach you how to be your own best friend bc you will know you...understand you and come to love you and end result?? you will want better situations and you wil pursue them......good luck....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I used to drunkenly threaten suicide a lot. That was maybe the biggest thing or one of them I had to make amends for. It was such a horrible thing to do. I just remember feeling like I was in so much pain and the alcohol lowered my inhibitions. I drank to numb depression and then after a few hours of a serious drunk, I would be depressed again PLUS then having no inhibition. I know I threatened suicide and was clutching pills at least 10 times. My partner (ex-A) did the same thing and actually took the pills and I had to call 911 after he called his mom to "say good bye" and his mom called me frantically to save her son's life. When the police got there, he cussed me out almost got tased, gave me the finger on the way out as he was strapped to the gurney. He cursed me out again when I showed up crying at the hospital and he had black tar dripping from his mouth. Then I came in for the "family session" while he was in the hospital...thought some things got addressed, but he was back to drinking and so was I a few weeks later. Craziness. Glad that is not my life any more.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 14th of November 2013 08:31:30 AM
None of us 'signed up for it' but it is what it is and if you use the ESH of others, ftof meetings and a sponsor you can make the changes to your life that can lead you to peace and serenity whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
I think many of us have had to deal with these suicide threats, before my Al-Anon days I believed my exA and beat myself up terribly believing it must be my fault. I was also so ashamed I did not know how to tell people what I was living with and my constant fear. In Al-anon I learned to take a big step back, understand the disease that alcoholism is. As our literature says an alcoholic lives with a guilt we could never imagine, it is not surprising perhaps that they feel that they might be better off dead!
I didn't cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. It is sad to watch an alcoholic living in chaos and feeling that life is not worth living but only they can change that.
In a strange way I can feel gratitude now for the alcoholic (s) that have been in my life, without them I would never have found Al-Anon and the the lovely people who have given me so much support and helped guide me to a much greater self knowledge and self acceptance.
(((((hugs)))))