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I have to admit that I love and dread the holidays. Too many bad memories....and for the last 2 holiday seasons my A has added to the stress and dysfunction. I was determined not to let him have any impact on this year's festivities, but as of this posting, he still resides on the sofa, playing games on the computer and on his PS3...unbathed, unshaven...he and the living room both smell like the LA Greyhound bus station did many years ago...
I've been working myself up to asking him to leave for a few months now, but there's always a reason I can't. I know my so-called inability comes from my disease of codependency. Just as my A can't find a reason to stop drinking, I can't find a reason to stop hurting myself.
I'll be working on all the holidays and so will my adult children, so we will have to catch up with each other whenever we can. It wouldn't be so bad if I could see them, even if my A was staggering around trying to be the maitre d' with his pants falling off...
So, yeah, he's still here. I guess I can say that I'm waiting for the holidays to be over before I talk to him about leaving...it'll be my New Year's resolution.
Venting is fine! The Holiday Season is a difficult time for those living with alcoholism, so many expectations and so many let downs. I used to hate this time of year, it coincides with my birthday as well so a double reason to be disappointed!
I now don't hate Christmas, even if I spend it on my own I will have a lovely peaceful day, as for my birthday I shall be working but on the subsequent day I am inviting some of my lovely Al-Anon friends to go out for lunch with me. If I need it there are Al-Anon meetings locally through the holiday season.
Remember Christmas really is just another day, but why not plan something special just for you - spend a whole day looking after you, spa, pampering, lovely meal, shopping whatever floats your boat and just release your expectations on your A, if he wants to spend it in a drunken stupor let him.
Whether you ask him to leave now, in the New Year or at all only you can decide, but please make space for you and your adult children, get along to some FtoF meetings and feel the love
We can only do what we can do when its time to do it. Oftentimes, I forget all the progress I've made. If I write down some of the things I've done during the week, the month, the year, I am amazed at how well my HP has guided me through some very tricky circumstances or helped me do some really delightful things. My growth isn't something I focus on unless I'm forced to do it and when I do, I become humbly accepting of myself and grateful for my HP. You're doing fine, Raven. Nobody working our program falls short of progress not perfection.
I find when I blame my behaviors on something ( my codependency) my little saboteur voice is creeping in to try and keep me safe. If I am trying to stay safe, I won't take risks and grow. Sometimes extra meetings help during the stressful holidays, and they can be stressful on steroids.
Had a conversation with a sister about breaking up with someone in which she pointed out that there is an excuse not to break up just about the whole year through. Can't do it over the holidays or with them approaching, can't do it in January right before Valentines day, can't do it because of someones birthday, anniversary, summer's coming, etc. There is no perfect time of the year to be done with something, you are just done when you've had enough.
My grown daughter and I really enjoy the holidays now, no one to throw their bs on our walls. No catering to one person's will hoping that will be enough to keep him from the usual temper tantrums he seems to find reasons for even if everything is going his way - like Tom's Egg story - no matter what we did, the A would always find (make up) a reason to be unhappy. No stress over waiting for the inevitable explosion over something, no worries about doing some little thing wrong and having it shoved down our throats with his superior attitude leading the way. No ONE person dictating what goes on in the house, we don't have to watch what he wants to watch, we don't have to eat his way or let him fill his plate with his choices before we pick ours (what's up with that?), or listen to him put us down for liking what we choose. No comments about how we are supposed to be doing things as a family while he makes it impossible for my daughter to want to join in. Just the other day I was in a store and thinking, wow, how wonderful it was that I don't have to try to find a gift to please the unplease-able!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
This was a large lesson for me in recovery also and your post brings back lesson memories and the voices of the fellowship such as "One of the consequences of procrastination is that you get to do the same thing over and over again accepting no different results". If nothing changes...nothing changes. Expectations are future resentments. If you've gotten use to it so has she. I learned that and more and the lessons were all for me to help me change my life. Since we are about progress and not perfection, I still get to work them. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
ilikemyheart- wow, "we don't have to eat his way or let him fill his plate with his choices before we pick ours (what's up with that?)"
You just described every meal we ever tried to eat as a family! But with him, everyone has to have a measured and precise dose so that we each get EXACTLY a third of everything whether we want it or not, and then we are meant to eat it in the order he requires and, I'm not kidding, with the cutlery he insists upon (apparently people are meant to eat rice with a spoon and he pitches a fit when I eat mine with a fork or chopsticks which I enjoy sometimes). I made a rule a couple of years ago that we just could not eat with him anymore as he was upsetting us so much at every meal that we would lose our appetites and then he would get angry and say "Oh so you aren't going to eat now because you've thrown a tantrum"....????. Then he would try to demand that everyone lick their plate clean (including me) and throw another deranged fit if we didn't comply.
So we will not eat with him, at all, ever. We tried, a little while ago, to share some pizzas with him, and I wrote about the results here, you might have seen. They were insane.
So I have to wonder too. What's up with these A's and trying to micro-manage the way people eat????
