The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The "man" of the house and an alcoholic. There are and will be lots of power and control issues and his dialogue will have hooks. You are aware of the hooks and our own lessons that we don't have to attend every arguement or discussion they invite us to. For me I learned to take out the barbs of the hooks so that they would be easier to take out and not hurt more when I was doing that. The self centeredness says they have to control and they have to win and I listen to you changing and that is the process. Keep changing until you are comfortable and satisfied with who you become...the person you would like to be and the person you admire in others. He'll survive your changes better when he is not drinking. When I learned not to "discuss" me and the judgement of me I had my power back and that took knowing and practicing I didn't have to attend every arguement...I could pick and choose and I could ask questions like "are you intending to drag this into a judgement of me or a power trip"? You can do that...no law that says you can't and you need to know so that you can make your own plan. I don't put up with sssssh!! or interfering with what I'm saying...those are invitations for me to take me out of the picture. You're growing wisdom...keep at it. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 10th of November 2013 12:21:35 PM
Good afternoon well I have to say 7 months ago I was a very co dependent problem . I did everything for everyone and never seen it to be wrong . Today I guess I'm selfish . I cook and clean and pick up my own mess and the kids mess but not the husbands mess . I have noticed he been leaving things around to see if I will pick up after him . Folding the cloths in the bedroom 4 months ago he would be there to help he was doing things with me he wanted to show me he was changing his ways to . So my new ways of taking care of me and children are in line but I do not pick up after my husband anymore I stopped that right away . Again he is a grown man and one year sober with a quick to judge attitude and the look of what About ME. What you don't fold my cloths anymore you give them to me is this what they teach you . I said you know what A . No one taught me how to pick up after you that was my choice so no one is telling me not to take care of you as a husband . I think that you are capable of putting your own cloths away and cleaning up your own mess since you been leaving it there to see how long it's going to take me to do it for you . I said this is the change in me . Your not a kid you have hands you are able to do for yourself . Now your going to be selfish because you been liberated he says . So it's all about you now . I'm looking at him and said I don't mind taking care of my responsibility in my Queendom home but that's where I can tell you that it's not my mess to pick up after you I did that behavior when you were drinking why should I have to pick up after your mess don't get me wrong I do still do certain behavior but it's my choice if I want to repeat old co dependent habits that made me a door mat . I don't think I'm being selfish by not going that extra step for him anymore when he can do it for himself . AND again we start with shhh everytime I say something he shh me up like what ever I'm going to say can wait till he ready to here me . Interrupts me when I'm explaining something to him or if a word that I'm not formula with comes to mind and I ask him he says I'm not a dictionary go look it up your self . So I see his new behavior of expectations are for me I will not fall for the slave mentality and be told it's your wifely dutie to do for me. Where does it say in the big blue AA book that says the codependent still needs to take care of you ? When you find that in the blue book then I will look at it and see if it's in my red book of Alaon to continue to pick up after some one else . Am I being selfish ? Should have to be quiet when he wants me to hush up should I jump when he snaps his fingers to do something for him , I took his last name on as a wife but I did not sign my name over to be his slave ,. The day I walked into Alaon was the day I learned my right to chose what I want to do for me not anyone else so this NEW A needs a 12 step on how to treat ppl like ppl and not use them to there advantage . Plus if I'm trying to teach my children how keep there nose to there selfs and learn to be honest and take blame for there faults and to make better choices the last thing they need to see is mom doing is cartwheels for dad for his own amusements . This is a home not a circus .
You inspire me and make me smile.....i am quietly saying YES (don't want to scare my family with my joyous outburst). You are not being selfish....it just feels that way because you are used to giving giving giving. Your cup got empty and you crashed. You are learning to be healthy and are treating him like an adult. Peter Pan does not like it.
I've read that after every change, the person affected does a huge manipulation that basically tries to demand "CHANGE BACK!" It's interesting to see how he does it, isn't it? Now if he said, "Honey, I know you've looked after me for years. You've taken care of my clothes and done the cooking and you've really done a lot for me. And often I've taken it for granted and not thanked you enough. I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you've done. It hasn't been easy for you, I'm sure. I'm going to do my best to contribute to this relationship as you deserve." What if he said that and you could tell he really meant it? You'd probably feel "heard" and be more inclined to do some giving, knowing that you'd be in a mutually giving relationship.
But when he says "You used to work for me! Now you're selfish!" -- well, it just proves what he's trying to deny, doesn't it?
I've found that it's useless to try to make them understand. That just hooks us into the argument. Sounds as if you're doing a great job having boundaries and taking care of yourself.
What a great post Wisdom, I am so happy for you, I am in awe about how this amazing program works. Of course hes going to kick out against the changes within you, these changes are making him uncomfortable, this strong wife that is emerging is challenging his viewpoints, his way of life and thinking. But that is all his business. I mean, your recovery is looking good, its about taking care of you, setting a great example for your kids and ultimately shifting all your relationships into a more equal and healthy position. Anyone in your life who doesnt like this new you will need to adapt and that is their business, yours is to continue - your motives are pure, you are not making these changes to hurt anyone but to improve life for you and your family so any consequences will be for the greater and long term good. Thank you for sharing.x
That is one of the changes I made right away when he got into AA too.... the not folding his clothes or putting them on hangers. I will wash them when I do mine but then I lay them on his side of the bed and it is his choice what he does with them..... he can throw them on the floor or he can put them away. When I make dinner I walk away after dinner and won't do dishes. That's the deal. If you cook you don't have to clean up. I'm lucky that a dirty kitchen bothers him. If it didn't I would have to clean up, but then I wouldn't cook.
You are certainly not selfish. My daughter married a Marine and he also does his own ironing.
I don't think you're being selfish for refusing his demands. I think you make a good point about what you'll be teaching the kids about yourself if you're willing to accept and succumb to his unacceptable behavior including his remark about not being a dictionary. Just an FYI .... from all you've shared here, you're a pretty smart cookie. When you ask him for a definition it sounds like he uses as an opportunity to put you down while you're flattering his intelligence. No doubt if you do stop asking him what certain words mean and choose to find out for yourself, he'll be angry you don't ask him anymore. Yeeesh! You're doing a good job taking care of yourself. Keep recovering. Hugs! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I went through a similar experience today although not with an AH. The disease will do all it can to hook into our insecurities and try to turn us inside out with all sorts of manipulations and demands. Good that you are choosing to let a grown man fold his own clothes if that works for you. More importantly, good you are choosing to say no to the demands of a petulant, haughty and self-centered disease.
