Text from the Boy - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Text from the Boy

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cathy))) good for you....you did the healthy thing.....you detached and stuck to it.......I am glad u were your own best friend today.....its called self preservation....

i agree..........get happy and enjoy your weekend......

LeenieBeanie · Senior Member

(((Cathy)))

Look how far you have come in this program!!! You recognize what was coming and handled it accordingly and beautifully. Remember, you do have a right to a peaceful life, so let it begin with you! All anyone can do at this point is to offer our addicted children up to their HP and get out of the way. And we are all with you, as you are not alone.

Have a wonderful weekend ! Don't let anyone steal your joy!

Rose50 · Senior Member

Wow, Cathy. You have made amazing progress in detaching. I am finally at that point but it took me over 3 years to get here. I now recognize those signs of manipulation and the poor me talk.

Stay strong! You are not alone.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, Cathy great dettachment! Sending you lots of love and support!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You know it really hurts inside to read his text and how he yes is in bad shape but he won't do one thing to help himself. He wants me to take care of him. He just uses the right words to make me feel bad. I'm sad that he would do that to me without a care. I know he loves me but the disease is so much more important in his life he will take any measure to get me to relent. I hate it...it hate every bit of it.

I need to pray for strength and the courage to continue and keep me grounded. I need God to help me heal the hurt and heartbreak in my heart. To continue to detach with love and kindness in hopes someday it will help my son.

Parting words in the book " Don't let Your Kids Kill You"

In refashioning the first step in the 12 step program. The following words come to mind: I've become powerless over the overwhelming love I feel for my son and my life has become unmanageable.

You have it within you to defeat those forces that make your life unmanageable. Getting a grip is all it takes, and the knowledge that you were not put here on earth to suffer.

AngelicH57 · Senior Member

I'm very sorry Cathy
{{{{Hugs}}}

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy: I'm sorry. I know this all feels like a train wreck that is never-ending. Maybe we weren't put on the earth to suffer, but we do until we don't anymore. Detaching does help. Prayer does help. Admitting and feeling our feelings does help. And knowing there are others watching and waiting in faith and hope with us helps, too. Lots of encouragement and support as you work through this experience today.

Tasha · Senior Member

The disease is so much more important in his life "IT" will take any measure to get me to relent. But your son does love you. The disease hates you and would gladly kill your son and you.

All the strength and love to you Cathy - you deserve peace.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((Cathy))

It often seems like they have radar and know just when we start pulling it together.... I hear your strength and firm boundaries that do not want to bite the bait dangling on that hook. Sending prayers to you and your son.

oldergal · Senior Member

Cathy, don't take his texts' its too risky, you may cave. Just tell him "Dear Son, it doesnt matter if you choose to drink or not drink the point is you know what you need to do to get it together and stand up on your own two feet. I love you but I will not help you now, do not text or call me. Use what you have learned in this last month to help yourself it may not be easy but you CAN do it. Love you Mom

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Wishing you a wonderful weekend, to match with a wonderful lady - well done ((((hugs)))))

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

((((Cathy)))) Lots of hugs and good thoughts your way :)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Pity party's stink and your not going despite the invite. Wise choice. He's not at bottom yet not while he has q car. He still has choices. Live in it sell it? Choices. Enjoy your weekend knowing you have done the right thing for you and him. He's fine denial is a comfortable place.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy - Hugs to you first off. I wanted to tell you that I also reduced myself to a constant pity party and it continued into my early sobriety. The difference was that I didn't turn to my enablers (parents) with my pity. I took it to meetings and to my sponsor. The fellowship of AA gave me love but set boundaries around that self-pity. They also taught me tools to recognize it as self-pity and that self-pity was my enemy and a threat to my sobriety.

I admire your detachment. His feelings are kinda normal for a person newly sober (but sadly also for an active drunk). The one thing that is most messed up is he shouldn't be turning to you with them. That is incredibly selfish and shows apalling lack of judgment if he had any inkling of insight in the moment as to how much pain he's caused you. That is the kind of stuff we address when really working a 12 step program.

For me (but I know I'm not his mom and more detachment would be necessary if I was) - I would say "Sounds like stuff you should be sharing with your sponsor and at an AA meeting." The end.

I hear that type of language daily from the folks in rehab. I also tell them "A bottom is supposed to feel crappy so you don't stay there and you make efforts to get out of it in a positive way. Just do the next right thing and stop catastrophizing." Lastly, I tell them "Self-pity is your enemy just as much as drinking/drugs."

Now, it doesn't stick for them all but it doesn't mean it's not the right thing for me to say because when they are ready, it will click. As far as your program - I'm impressed. It's come a long ways and I can see how you would need a break from discussing anything to do with his drinking after having spent soooooo much time and money on it and it's dominated every aspect of your relationship and his life... Eventually, you will be able to discuss it more with him, but with boundaries.

Most of all Cathy, I am really cheering you that you are refusing to engage his sickness. Discussion about drinking/not drinking and him trying to prove it is absolutely old behaviors which are completely played out. All the things I mentioned are just ways of interacting with a sick alcoholic which encourage them to work their program without becoming drained by them. But again - that's not your job either. From all you've written recently, I noticed you have a wonderful time with your son when he's living in the solution and talking about his developing program of recovery (when he has one). Just speaking from a behavioral approach, he's not getting reinforcement from you for being a sad sack or a drunk so, hopefully he'll stop and just come to you with his solutions. Enjoy your trip Cathy!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all so much....I'm so grateful for MIP

Today is going to be good for me. I have a lot of work to do here so I will be busy. I want to get the house clean before I leave to visit my sis. My son stopped his texts to me and I will not see him right now. I learning every day and it does become easier to keep my boundaries and not engage. I have always been the type to not say anything that would make my son feel bad.....like no you can't come over. Now I can say...Son no you can't come here.

I'll be damned if I let myself go back to the grief and heartache again. I have over a year of this detaching and I will not waste that year. I can live with a little sadness when I have to keep a boundary or tell him something he might not like. It's far less pain in the long run. And as far as projecting his situation and or what might happen I will work my program to take those thoughts and fears away.

I am in the right place today....one day at a time.

(((( hugs ))))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

aww

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'll be damned if I let myself go back to the grief and heartache again. I have over a year of this detaching and I will not waste that year. I can live with a little sadness when I have to keep a boundary or tell him something he might not like. It's far less pain in the long run. And as far as projecting his situation and or what might happen I will work my program to take those thoughts and fears away.

I am in the right place today....one day at a time.

*************
Dear Cathy, I see so much progress on you re: this very tough situation.....and yea, HP helps those who help themselves....U R being your own good friend.....its self preservation and you have finally chosen you and i am glad and relieved........i know..when we get down its hell, but program helps it be temporary....

A friend of mine calls the program the "life crap storm survival guide"......and that is it for me...life for me all my life has been one trial after another...I am glad that i am at my age b/c i am seeing the end of the track.....so till then?? i will apply program to help me survive, make better choices...and who knows , i always say put out good energy....get good energy....and that means to ME TOO.......

good job, Cathy...Enjoy that trip and son will have to take care of himself.....they do find a way to come up with what they want.........when we cut them off, they get real creative......my A brother is a magician when he needs to come up w/his rent or cell phone bill.....

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

You are doing great! Positive thoughts are being sent your way.

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