The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night was our AlAnon Information Services annual gratitude banquet. We had a young lady, age 20, just graduated from AlaTeen to AlAnon for our speaker. She started AlaTeen when she was 13. She know the steps. She really works the program. It was a lovely, lovely talk.
In part of her talk was a description of her first boyfriend at age 16. He was 17 and she described him as a "kid", not a "man". She described how she was so happy and easy going and always wanted to "go along to get along". I think that is an admirable trait. And she described how it escalated to where she didn't have any more choices of her own..... this all happened in a matter of months. And she tried to stay happy and amenable all the time because that was how she thought grownups were supposed to be. She even started to skip her AlaTeen meetings. Suddenly she snapped and saw the picture for what it was with a controlling boy taking away all her choices. She broke it off with him.
Wow, that spoke to me. That was me. I allowed it. I wanted to get along. I didn't want to fight. I wanted peace, but I didn't know I couldn't have serenity with an active, controlling alcoholic. I didn't know that as soon as I learned his rules, he would change the rules and want something different. I wasn't looking out for me. Over my years in AlAnon I forgot about what had happened. I thought I had put it behind me, but since last night it is all I can think about. Hmmm.
Maryane That speaker touched your spirit, as all good speakers can and has you going deeper. Great topic and also great awareness.
Because my childhood home was filled with arguing and much fighting, Mom was a drama queen,a as well as a screamer, I resoled to be the opposite . No fights, be agreeable go along person type person I reasoned, as a child that this approach should work because everyone was rational and reasonable and there should not be any need to "fight, draw boundaries, validate,my needs etc. I held on to these beliefs for many years , Until alanon permitted me to see the error of this thinking and gave me choices.
In doing my fourth step I discovered that I made myself invisible abandoned myself) in order to not be like mom, a fighter. Alanon taught me to validate myself, say what I mean without saying it mean and most importantly that I counted and needed to take care of myself
Mahalo Maryjane this post brings back memories of the "cross overs" I have met and listen to and even as from my homegroup's meeting last Wednesday I had the wistful desire that I had been introduced to Alateen in my earlier years. "The" program is a darn sight more serene and powerful than "family" program. I had the honor and now the gratitude to be an Alateen Sponsor for many years. They can teach you alot and they change fast because they have less time in the problem than I did as an adult. They are very very good at loving their sponsors and I still have lessons lodged within my mind and heart that came from them; one being, I was at convention with them and really feeling down and low walking around with my chin scraping the ground and looking like self pity was a full time job. My alcoholic/addict was back home or where ever and I was morose because life was hell. One of the teens asked me "What's going on Jerry F"? to which I replied honestly about my deep sadness. She turned me around to face her with a huge smile on her face and a hug and said, "don't you know Jerry F...Happiness is an inside job". Alateen Rocket Science...Right on the point and I stopped holding my alcoholic/addict responsible for my mood.
Glad you had a great speaker meeting. (((((hugs)))))
Maryjane - that speaks to me as well, thank you for sharing that young wisdom.
Betty - Thank you as well, you've given me food for thought with your comment about not wanting to be a screamer and going too far in the opposite direction. My family did not fight much at all, but I was present at a humdinger of an argument that led to my parents separation. I can see how that has affected my way of (not) dealing with my own needs. Thank you for the reminder.
Thank you hotrod, jerry and milkweed. Different memories come back and it all starts making a picture. I left college for my Mrs degree and got a job at our local supermarket. Once he graduated, 3 yrs later, I became "less than". I took that opinion to my soul and allowed it to linger while he made choices that I went along with because he was more capable than me. I can see that this was the beginning. And I was raised to be amenable. Finally while the kids were young I went back to college just one class every semester. My advisors finally told me to graduate. I laughed when I realized I had a higher GPA than he graduated with, but he replied with "your classes were easier than mine." I knew I was never going to measure up.... and by then he was deep into his active alcoholism. Now I remember when we went on vacation and he, unknowing to me, unpacked my suitcase from what I put in there and put in the "slutty clothes" that he wanted me to wear. Bathing suit too small, heels too high, skirts mini and necklines ultra plunging. Ugh. Now I have to deal with these memories. There are more. Now I see it as extreme lack of respect.
" I didn't know that as soon as I learned his rules, he would change the rules and want something different. I wasn't looking out for me."
This sums it up and also speaks volumes to me, too . I spent years investigating and morphing into what others wanted, rules, new rules, and the new changed rules, etc... if I got it correct, it wasn't sustainable for long before the other person's demands escalated. It took me so many years to realize that, in these circumstances, no matter what I do or don't do doesn't really matter. What matters is considering me and the situation and doing the next right thing. I no longer engage in futile exercises in expending all my energy and time trying to please the un-pleasable.
