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Nothing has changed in 7 years; he doesn't lift a finger to do anything at all, but I no longer fight, or ask him more than once. Or, recently, at all. It's pointless, it's frustrating and I end up angry when he makes promises and doesn't keep them.
I cannot even get him to take out the bins once a week any more. He spilt petrol in my car and wont wash it out so I can't even sit in it without getting dizzy. I mean it's all just ridiculous, and it always has been but now I don't fight him about it, so he can't turn it around on me, and the reality of it all is much clearer. He is incapable of doing anything at all other than go to work, drink and play computer games and it's quite pathetic. When I don't "lose it" with him, he can't call me a psycho and then use that as his excuse to get drunk and do nothing.
So summer is coming and the lawn is still half-mowed and the rest is waist-high, which means snakes and ticks and general ugliness. The lawn is his only "job" around here and it has been mowed 2 times in 12 months, both times in the final hours before a property inspection. It was the same at the last house- but that was 1 mow in 18 months. And those 3 mows have been such a trial for him. The greatest trial since Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt...and each time he has demanded that I "help" by picking up all of the dog-crap and fetching him refreshing beverages and listening to him complain...once I told him that my step-dad was going to drive 3 hours here to mow the lawn because he was worried about my daughter and snakes...and he asked me a few days later "so when's your dad coming to do the lawn?" OMG. This, after I lent him money to buy mowing equipment to start a business. It just sits in the garage, used twice.
Well my daughter wants to garden and start having BBQs and on the weekend we planted tomatos and herbs and started weeding the jungle. And today I started shopping for an electric mower and line-trimmer because they will be easier for me to use and there's just no point expecting him to do it; unless there is a property inspection looming, he won't. (And yes, I've even considered asking the real-estate agent to arrange an inspection to get him moving, since they keep sending letters about the lawn). There's no point fighting it, I just have to find a way to do yet another thing by myself.
I've also been asking and asking that we discuss the electricity bill as it is scheduled to be disconnected. I stopped paying my half a while ago because he never coughed up his share and I refused to keep paying the whole bill alone. Now the power is due to be shut off in the next few days and I told the lady today- just cut it off; it might wake up my partner. Now he's all angry because I didn't "tell him about it" (I've tried, perhaps 25-30 times to discuss it with him). He's still not doing anything about it because I'm sure he thinks Mummy will save the day at the last minute. Not this time; I've told daughter we might have no power for a few days and we have planned to make it an adventure; candles and BBQs etc. This way he can get it reconnected in his own name and maybe he will take it a bit more seriously.
But on the plus side, I'm not angry. I'm just seeing it for what it is. He works now and that's something because he pays half of the rent. It's a big step up from his 5 years of 24-7 computer-gaming. But if I have to manage and pay for everything else the only way I can do it is to consider him a "lodger" and make sure I am getting something in return. At the moment, that something is the knowlege that as he doesn't participate in this home or family at all, he has no rights when it comes to what we do or how we use our space. There's freedom in that and it's better than when we argued all the time about what he didn't do, and he would use my expectations of him as proof of his right to be the "lord of the manner" and boss everyone around.
So, he still doesn't do anything at all but I'm not angry about it anymore. Because he isn't ever going to be any different. He has no respect for himself; how can he respect his home or family? He can wallow. I'll be happy when the lawns are done and he will have a fit when he finds out I bought new lady-friendly mowing equipment because "I was going to do it next weekend" lol. Whatever. One day, he will finally arrive at "next weekend" and discover he is an old, old man lying on a mattress surrounded by filth, and that all he has to show for his life is a lot of empty bottles and a lot of computer-game hours.
If I waste any more time being angry or trying to convince him to do better, that's all I will have to show for it too.
It certainly sounds as if you have accepted the reality of your situation and have decided how to respond in a constructive manner. You have learned from your experience with this person so that the temptation to argue, fight , try to force your will, try to make someone do what they "Should" has been lifted and acceptance has replaced this drive.
At this moment in time ,I am glad you have found a way to make this difficult relationship manageable for yourself and your daughter . I know that you have seen the reality of this situation and are working toward building a successful, happy productive life for yourself and your daughter . Sharing here, building your writing skills, growing in program are great steps to your future.
It sounds like no expectations is the way to go. But I worry about you having no electricity. Not that you should have paid the bill on his behalf. But it seems as if you are being dragged down with the sinking ship. Do you have compelling reasons to stay in the house with him or for him to stay in the house with you? Is he providing anything that you would miss? From your description it sounds as if you're dealing with a large surly child, which is what many A's are. There's a pretty high price in frustration and more (lack of electricity) in keeping things as they are, so it might be worth thinking about whether there's compensation in the form of something else he provides. I have to say that situation would drive me crazy. (And also if I were in that situation I would just hire someone to mow. But maybe you like mowing more than I do!)
Considering he won't be able to play his games, he may indeed pay the bill. If it directly affects him, there may be a change? If its like the State I live in, it will cost him more to turn it all on after it has been shut off. This is a power struggle that he seems to be winning, Melly. He continues to do little and you continue to suffer much. Sending you lots of encouragement and support to keep working your program and considering your options.
I stay at the moment because we live a long way from my family/friends and I don't drive and I don't have money to move and blah blah blah, it's just too hard. Daughter is happy at her school, we live by the beach, the alternatives are crappy. In order to keep my big dog (who is very precious to my daughter and I) we would need to rent another house with a yard and share with someone else anyway and I haven't had any good experiences with random housemates. So it's better the devil you know, I guess. Life is tolerable and if I run things as if I am simply renting him a room- well, that's what I would be doing without him anyway. So our actual lifestyle isn't being compromised, it's really just the "injustice" of it that I am trying to keep a lid on. (And doing quite well, I think. I'm accepting that he is just disabled in his way and cannot do any better than this, and it's sad for him but it doesn't have to be for me).
I can pay the bill and keep the power if I choose, and once it gets shut off I can have it reconnected within hours so that isn't a real worry. It's just the only way I know of to send him a message- if you don't pay the bills, stuff stops working and you wont have a computer game to play or lights etc. So we wont be inconvenienced any more than I allow and I know for a fact, the moment his computer shuts down he will have an instant hernia and have it reconnected anyway.
As for hiring someone to mow- well, he would refuse to pay half because he's "going to do it next weekend" and it would cost almost as much as the cheap electric equipment I am going to buy anyway. He used to mow as a job and I mowed with him (for no pay) so I COULD push around his heavy mowing equipment, God knows I've done plenty of that but I refuse to. I'm going to make this easy for myself.
If I'm going to end up on my own I'll need the mowing gear anyway so, it's a worthwhile investment.
I understand, Melly. I stay in my situation for various reasons, too, and for now it's tolerable but that might be changing soon.....who knows, right?
As for expectations, I posted about that the other day and saw that others posted about it, too. Seems to be a common issue! Yesterday, my AH took out some trash and when he came back in I asked him if he took the cans to the curb since today is pick up day. He said no but that he would do it. He disappeared for about an hour and my son asked, "Where's dad?" I said he went to take out the cans. A few minutes later I walked into the master bedroom and found him sitting on the edge of the bed watching TV and I asked him if he had taken the cans out. Nope. So, I went outside and did it myself. And, just as I was walking up the driveway the garage door opens and he's standing there looking at me questioningly. Umm, well, I didn't want to wake up at 5 AM and realize the cans weren't at the curb so I took them out because I know I couldn't count on him to do it. Some days he will, some days he won't and because of his inconsistency I just know it's easier to do it myself.
Yeah, I hear you, ILD Some weeks when the bins aren't that full I remind him and he says he will do it then I hear the trucks go in the morning and the bins haven't been taken out. Other weeks I take them out and in the morning he gets angry and says "I said I would do it". Pfft, whatever. I'm just over it. I don't have any real interest in trying to make him behave like a normal human being anymore. I just want to grow and thrive and be happy and share that with my daughter and show her what happy looks like. I don't really give a &*^% if he sits in his filth and behaves like a baby. That's his problem. If I really need to feel vindicated...well, I guess I can reassure myself that deep down he probably feels ashamed, but that doesn't really make me feel good either. He is a sad, sad wreck of a man and I don't really feel resentful anymore. I just want to move on to something better. I'm sick of the dance.
G2B, it's only a power struggle if I let myself want anything from him!!
I've driven myself half-insane trying to force him to man up and do his part. And cried so many bitter tears when I realised that he wouldn't, or torn myself apart wondering why I wasn't worthy of a "normal man". The reality is, I just can't make him do anything. Does he win because I take on all of the burdens? Well, considering he doesn't actually care if the lawns are mowed or the garbage taken out, probably not. I just can't allow myself to be at war with him anymore. His disease has claimed him. I don't want to claim any sort of victory over him anymore. He still has a heart; I see how miserable and embarrassed and lost he is. I still care about him and every few days when he wraps himself around me and tells me how sorry he is and how he is going to do this, and that, and everything else to be better, I hear how broken he is. I just don't want to fight it anymore. I want to put one foot in front of the other, and "be the change I want".
There is no joy in beating him down and I sure as hell can't fight his illness. I am just doing whatever I can to make life happy and easy and joyful for myself and my girl and we will see where that leads us.
I know what you mean, Melly. I've been there, too. The power struggle on my end had more to do with struggling with myself than him. He got more and more into his drugs and partying, I got more and more into trying to salvage what I could of any semblance of a normal life. Meanwhile, I was doing the bulk of the work, paying the bills, taking care of the kids and trying to live in an abusive situation with a man that I loved but didn't feel that love returned in any way at all because it wasn't being returned in any way at all. Control was the name of the game from his end of things. One day, I had enough of that dance you're talking about and suddenly a light dawned for me on the next step I could take to free myself from what was truly destroying me. I'm not saying that is what is happening for you. It did happen for me. Things were tough for awhile without him, but not as tough as they were with him. After we divorced, he continued to live as he had lived with me. Fortunately, although he lived in a bare bones apartment with little furniture and bill collectors after him as well as the State for child support, my life improved 100 fold. I even got to the place where child support wasn't important anymore to me although I still did what I felt I needed to do to look out for my kids and to hold him responsible financially for the wellbeing of his kids. You are on your way, Melly. You are on your way. Your life is becoming more and more happy, easy and joyful. It will continue to become that as you continue to reach out, write, attend meetings and be that beautiful soul that you are.
I have to ask this all sounds very familiar to me, is there any chance your husband has undiagnosed ADD????forgetting to do stuff, little accidents, not taking care of bills, not taking out the trash,the hyper focus on the video games. In my experience this sounds like ADD, in which case he can't help it. I used to be so angry and resentful, until one day I figured out Oh my so and his son have add, that gave me compassion. I still have my days though believe me. Now I keep it simple, I use a white board for reminders, telling him or asking him does not work and it builds resentments when he forgets and I pick my battles..Using the slogans how important is it, live and let live, keep it simple. If he still does not do it after some time on the white board, I find a way to hire it out or do it myself. We hired a lawn service this year. This program works but it does I believe have to be custom tailored to the family, and in a family with ADD they do need a bit more structure. Not super controlling structure, but structure no less. Based on what you have said I would look into ADD. The ADD is much worse when they are using, my guy is dry. Our relationship is pretty dang good most days, as long as I'm working my program...and since I have relaxed our home is a lot happier.Take what you like and leave the rest. Blessings on your recovery journey
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Ps everything you said makes me believe that he wishes he could make you happy, if he has ADD he means to do it but he literally can't remember :) Thank you so much for sharing:)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
My AH has severe ADHD and had a lot of issues growing up because of it. He takes 3 medications right now and the ADHD meds seem to help him with some things, but really they can only do so much. I thought that maybe the trash would get taken out especially when he says he'll do it and then leaves the room as if he's going to do it but I mostly feel like it's a passive aggressive move to tick me off or to test my program to see what I will do. I have ADD and if I say I'm going to do something, I work hard mentally to make sure it gets done so I can be accountable and because I have ADD, I don't take excuses from my son or my AH if they use that. We all have our issues. I have learned though, to not expect the same level of effort that I would put forth from others who have the same disability as me. It really helps for me to let go of the expectations and to realize that it doesn't matter what the label is, it's how we react or think or choose to NOT react that keeps our home a peaceful place.
Alanon has taught me that It is not my job to figure out what others are doing, or why they are doing it. If I want to recover I must keep the focus on myself ,know what I am doing and why I am doing it. You are doing fine Cong rats
by the way "ADD" stands for Attention deficit disorder
Isn't it a great feeling when we see something that isn't working and stop it? I begged a lot. Please do this. Please don't do that. Please, please, please. It was just another way of trying to change him - just in a mannerly fashion. Grin.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 6th of November 2013 12:16:31 AM
I was just sharing my personal experience :)I understand it is not true for you. Your share was nice though, and it resonated with me..and I thought I would share.. while it may not be my job to fix other people anymore, I can still have compassion for other humans recovering or not. Not everyone is a perfect human being :) myself include. I think I will stick with my local alanon and refrain from this board where I feel uncomfortable sharing my experience, I wish you both luck with your recovery. Peace :)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Yeah, I hear you, ILD Some weeks when the bins aren't that full I remind him and he says he will do it then I hear the trucks go in the morning and the bins haven't been taken out. Other weeks I take them out and in the morning he gets angry and says "I said I would do it". Pfft, whatever. I'm just over it. I don't have any real interest in trying to make him behave like a normal human being anymore. I just want to grow and thrive and be happy and share that with my daughter and show her what happy looks like. I don't really give a &*^% if he sits in his filth and behaves like a baby. That's his problem. If I really need to feel vindicated...well, I guess I can reassure myself that deep down he probably feels ashamed, but that doesn't really make me feel good either. He is a sad, sad wreck of a man and I don't really feel resentful anymore. I just want to move on to something better. I'm sick of the dance.
what we really want and crave and think about, pray for, visualize for will find us....if u really want the rest of your life to be different, healthier, and happier, it will find you if you reach out and work for it...even if it is just working your program and changing your mind and thoughts about things......the healther we get, the better stuff we attract to us.........yea, he does sound like a wreck of a man and i don't see, from reading your posts, that things will ever get better with him.....i would disconnect...work on me....work to a better life and it will come if ya really want it.........some folks just stay in a relationship that is toxic bc they don't think, deep in side that they deserve better, OR the fear of change, OR being alone...and life passes them by, they find themselves old and bitter.....i made hubby leave in 2000...i was middle aged....but i was not going to have "that be the rest of my life"......yea, i feared the change, financial and emotional, but i ended up better in the long run.....no more worrying about him burning something on the stove and maybe causing a fire, no more smell of booze....and he was nice to me....but still....he was dying by the day with that stuff......it eventually makes them so sick, i was not going to end up being his nurse and caregiver....i can't help one who refuses to help himself....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Poor choice of words, sorry. I just meant its not something that's often mentioned here and I know very little about it.
I'm 101% sure he is diabetic also but he would never consider seeing a doctor. I used to fuss and try to find a "reason" hoping that if I could work out what was wrong, I could fix him; with the right vitamins, with the right food, with the right words, with the right.....but all I did was exhaust and dissapoint myself and probably made him feel like I was constantly trying to find things wrong with him
We all stay for our own reasons, and its easy to say leave from the outside. I look to you for clarity and a little bit of feistiness when I get sucked back in. You know you can do better. What is stopping you? Please know I ask myself this every day, why is it ok for my kid to see me crying why is it normal how is it healthy? I pray all the time for the answers.
Thank you for this honest, introspective 4th and 5th Step. Seeing our actions, without judgment, blame or criticism is the first step in changing and letting go of the destructive habits that we unknowingly developed as we attempted to cope with this dreadful disease.
You have done a fantastic job!!!
Keep up the good work .Please keep on looking , examine your motives and you will be surprised at how quickly the negative awareness will change into positive action
Hope your day continues to bring you the courage, serenity and wisdom you need to live your life
