The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you all so much for responding to my last post (brief recap: feeling lonely because my partner is super busy). It truly was helpful to hear your feedback and I am implementing the feedback and suggestions. It helps tremendously not to feel alone.
Here are some things I am doing to change my behavior, change the outcome:
1. Changing my body language. I have been acting out my upset (stiff body language, stilted, brief answers, etc.). When I ask myself what my motive is when I act angry, resentful, and put-out by my partner's busyness, I realize that I am trying to get noticed. It backfires because by both of us getting increasingly upset just leads to more and more upset. I've decided to put in my best effort to not try to "show" my hurt through my body language and behavior (this is not the same as not speaking up, it's just not using indirect methods). I'm working hard to keep my body language pleasant, open, and approachable.
2. Changing my attitude. I have always jokingly thought of the "One Day At A Time" reader as the 1950s housewife Alanon guide because there are so many suggestions to be "soft" and "gentle" but now I have a new perspective. I really add to the tension of my home when I behave in ways that are even subtly meant to send a message of disappointment and displeasure. It adds stress. I am unhappy and my partner doesn't feel supported. It's a lose-lose.
3. Changing my activities. When I focus on "filling my time," I still feel resentful. When I focus on what will truly bring me joy, I become so effervescent that I glow with happiness. So, here are some joyful things I am adding to my list: a) I submitted my information to volunteer at a farm! There mere thought of a day of hard work on an urban farm fills me with happiness b) I also submitted my name to work as a volunteer at Habitat for Humanity. I love the idea of helping families build new homes to live in c) I scoured the event announcements and picked out some interesting poetry readings (one of my favorite poets is coming to town in the next few weeks!) and a dance performance. I plan to take myself out to some fun dinner dates with dinner followed by a performance in the next few weeks. Also, I found a great new Alanon meeting in the city. I walked into the meeting on Sunday crying and angry and left a mere hour later feeling 1000% better no longer crying and no longer angry.
4. Changing my thinking. Having a partner who works a lot is hard. BUT, I keep deepening the hurt by what I am thinking. When I tell myself that she doesn't value me or that I am not a priority or that in the competition with work, I lose, it really fuels and deepens my hurt. I have downloaded some meditation tapes to listen to. I have also decided I have to STOP my thinking in it's tracks when it "stinks". The truth is my partner's job depends on this school work - it's not reflective of my worth.
My favorite Alanon slogan is: I can't think myself into right action, I can only act my way into right thinking. Attending the Alanon meeting this weekend proved to me AGAIN that feeling better is just about feeling better. Nothing changed in my circumstances between when I walked in and when I walked out, but my whole being changed 1000 percent. It was a great reminder that thinking that I can't be happy until my circumstances change is false.
Wow! I was struck by your previous thread how already in-tune you are with what has happened, what is happening, and what kind of a future you wanted (healthy). Now this thread is striking too. I admire how you sum up a situation or thought process, see how it does/doesn't work, see how it can work, then explain it.
I was going to say your #3 will take care of #1, but I'm pretty sure you're already there by saying "I can't think myself into right action, I can only act my way into right thinking".
I am glad you are feeling better!!!!!!!! Great changes!
1. Changing my body language. Holy YES - body language says so much doesn't it! And your loved one can read it (as you know). I would pretend all was well and he would call me out on my body language, and say, tell me what is wrong!!! My slouch shoulders, or moping around, going to put something on the table, it falls, and just waving my hand at it (as if to say, ah who cares and leaving it). I too am working on mine; the hard part is noticing you are doing it.
2. Changing my attitude, YES this REALLY works!! Proven in my home over and over. The one day at a time thing is hard sometimes huh. We want all to be better and now, sometimes in my head, it is because it shouldnt be this way in the first place. Well that is just silly thinking, I know that. It is proven every time I change my darn attitude it carries throughout the home and guess what, I am happy after. I cant use the excuse I dont notice I am acting a certain way, because that is not true. I try with all my might when I am having a poor attitude I try to snap out of it, tell myself to top even and walk back out different. It is a good thing he knows what I am doing otherwise he would think I was crazy! Poor attitude one min and a good one the next LOL
3. Changing my activities. AWSOME!!!!! I really need to find more time for me.
4. Changing my thinking. Mine works many hours as well, it is his everything but it is also his escape to our problems and used as an excuse not to talk or take care of things. So I can relate very well to this. I try to think daily, at least he has a job and at least he is a hard worker. Then I realize at times, hey, this is kind of nice getting things done around the house or calling a friend etc. He agrees one day a week he will be home in time for a normal time dinner and we watch a movie. So far so good. And he is less stressed because he is taking a break. Maybe she can find a night for "date night"
Sounds like you are doing good! YAY
__________________
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
"Attending the Alanon meeting this weekend proved to me AGAIN that feeling better is just about feeling better. Nothing changed in my circumstances between when I walked in and when I walked out, but my whole being changed 1000 percent. It was a great reminder that thinking that I can't be happy until my circumstances change is false. "
What a great feeling! So glad to see you in a better place than you were previously. Thanks for sharing.
"Attending the Alanon meeting this weekend proved to me AGAIN that feeling better is just about feeling better. Nothing changed in my circumstances between when I walked in and when I walked out, but my whole being changed 1000 percent. It was a great reminder that thinking that I can't be happy until my circumstances change is false. "
What a great feeling! So glad to see you in a better place than you were previously. Thanks for sharing.
