Lost it today - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Lost it today

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Venera wrote:
Did you get a divorce? I am just worried about my kids, I would have left him long time ago, but I dont know what to do with the kids. They love each other, that is only thing stopping me now.

Venera, i know divorce is tought w/kids, but what is that baby going to learn from him???? oh yea, how to drink, how to be dysfunctional, how to be abusive and a pro at name calling, drinking and slacking off of work, so hubby has a LOT to teach this child.....I married into dysfunction b/c I was raised in it......yea, they love each other but sometimes just love is not enough.....what is the healthy thing for the kid???? are you sure that their love for each other is what is stopping you??? He can have and I would make them supervised visits......drinkers can't offer a kid but MORE dysfunction and possibly alcohol abuse......OR, 20 years frm now we will see baby in ACOAS b/c even tho he and baby love each other, he is an ALCOHOLIC and the way he treats you , the kid will be impacted by that....dunno the gender of your baby, but it does not matter....a little girl will marry her "daddy" beer bottles and all........a son has a good chance at drinking and emulating his dad, OR he will marry into it b/c it is "familiar'

I am not saying stay or go...that is your call, but i liked what grateful said to you...

i dumped my alkies too b/c w/out a serious program, total dedication to sobriety and working the steps, et al, there is little hope of nothng but misery......REAL good stuff to teach a young kid......

JUST saying.....please use what u can and leave the rest....

AND please keep working on you....that baby has to have SOME chance and looks like u r the only hope for this poor infant to grow up healthy, unless A gets into recovery and really works his program and it does not appear that has happened yet???? and he may never

OH I see there are MORE kids........soo sad for children of alcoholics.....there is a large number of us in ACOA...i am on the ACOA board as well b/c i became a real effective codependent w/all kinds of mental and emotional problems thanks to the drinkers who were supposed to be responsible....

my brothers are all alkies......following in parents footsteps...1 even expanded on the substance abuse and is a NA as well.....

so yea, i will be in ACOA for life.....the damage that these people do is incredible when you hear stories of ACOA's sharing on the boards.........we are all messed up....i am a "lifer"......

-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 4th of November 2013 09:54:50 PM

Venera · Senior Member

I lost all my temper today, I yelled at my AH like a crazy person, and he kept calmly telling me that I am crazy, and other mean things like i am cheap, vulgar, etc.. I was going really wild, i feel bad for doing it to myself, but i feel a relief.

But i felt trapped again, i cant sleep in my own bed again, and i am the one who is taking care of three kids while he is drinking and missing work, so he comfortably on the couch with beers and I am roaming around doing things, so his reward is a nice big bad and mine is sleeping on the floor with an infant.

But i guess I still had to control myself, and i was doing fine, i wasn't worried about him while he was in a hotel, i enjoyed my life without him, until he showed up. I was so proud of myself of not responding to his text in the morning, not reaching out to him myself, running errands, being in a good mood, enjoying the time with the baby and not even thinking of him. But the moment he came and i knew i had to deal with him, i lost my control. Why? I now feel so mad at myself. I dont want to apologize to him when he is sober for the things i said, I just want him out of the house. It looks like this is the only way for me to keep myself normal

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Venera. I haven't seen you on the board for awhile. Welcome back! Congratulations on the delivery of a new healthy baby! I can remember getting that angry with my own A many years ago. I had pneumonia. My baby was sick. My toddler was sick. He didn't go to work and had some similar behaviors to your A. I, too, lost it. I'd had enough of his perpetual childhood and my continued martyrdom. I made some changes that day that surprised him. By the next year, I made some really big changes and was alone in my house, sleeping in a bed, and no longer dealing with three children. Just the two real ones. I didn't apologize either. Except to myself. He also thought I was crazy. I was. I was doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Nothing changed until I did. And when I did, everything else in my life did, too. He didn't stop using, but I didn't have to live with it anymore. I don't regret any of the changes I made. I also didn't regret reaching the end of my tolerance and doing what I could do to make my life better.

Venera · Senior Member

Did you get a divorce? I am just worried about my kids, I would have left him long time ago, but I dont know what to do with the kids. They love each other, that is only thing stopping me now.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I did divorce him. But, I divorced him because he was physically abusive and bringing drugs into our home. Couldn't live with that. Didn't want my kids to live with that. If he were only an alcoholic, I may have made other choices. Can you attend an on-line meeting tonight, Venera? I read your previous post and it appears to me you haven't been able to attend Al-Anon meetings? Those meetings and program work can make all the difference in the world for you and for the children. If there are meetings in your area while the two older children are in school, you could probably take the baby with you, too? You could always call Al-Anon in your area and check on that. Some meetings might have childcare, too?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey most ALL addicts say we are crazy and try to bring us down. They are the ones who are pickling their whole body including their brains. It is a horrible disease!

You did NOTHING wrong. We can only take so much! Sounds like you are at your limit. Sober or not no one deserves to be treated so rudely, especially by the one who is suppose to love us the most.

You answered your own question, smart lady! You realize the situation that needs to be in order for your home to be a home.

What I do is sit down and think and write out a plan. In the middle of the paper I write, I want our home to be happy and healthy. Then I draw lines out from that to another circle where i put what things need to change. One might me sleeping arrangements, another quiet in the home, etc. then lines from those as to what do to.

from sleeping arrangements, put a cot or a futon etc. quiet you might put out a boundary, if you are going to drink, go to a hotel. Or another might be him moving out.

The important thing is to get your thoughts out and what options you have. If you need space, maybe ask him if he will go, legal separation or not, one can separate. Then think about finances. Or maybe you decide not to say anything but start sticking money away, packing up some stuff putting it under beds whatever, make a plan to go back to where family is. or telling family you need help.

I know for me, looking at options helped me to feel better as I realized I was not stuck. It will be harder for you having children but even more important! I was not living with the
A when he went off in front of my kids and scared us. I got a restraining order and we did not see him for many, many years.

Even now in my life when things go goofy, when I look at my options I feel better.

Please keep us informed, people here care so very much. sincerely,debilyn

Venera · Senior Member

When he is sober i will ask him to leave, but i am sure he won't

He will be right that I was acting crazy, because i was. I was screaming, insulting him, he was insulting back. But i felt i lost the control of my situation. I finally felt ok with his drinking, I stopped worrying and I started to think of myself, enjoying the day, which was great, but the moment he came home, I knew i will not be able to sleep well again, I wont go thru my plans, because he will be taking up space, etc..

I guess that was my bottom, i know I cant control myself anymore. I have no contingency plan, i just react all the time

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

When we reach our bottom and surrender, we are often aware of something that we didn't see before. And - if you're not getting the sleep you need - of course you're reacting all the time. You may be "running on fumes" as my Mom used to say. What might happen if you tell him you need to sleep in your bed without him in it for awhile because you need rest to take care of yourself and the children? Maybe he could sleep on the couch while he drinks his beers and watches TV?

Venera · Senior Member

That is exactly what i told him, but he said no. There were times when he even to another room and slept on the floor, but only one time when i was pregnant, and before that we had another bed in the bedroom, but now it is in the garage.

I will sleep in the girls room today, they love to sleep on the floor and they always ask me if they could, so i will let them do it today and myself will sleep on their bed.

I will talk to him when he sober and ask him to leave.

But i feel so stupuid now for going crazy and now all he will talk to me is going to be how wrong i did by yelling and going crazy... well anyway, i am ready to ask him to leave the house. Maybe when he is sober he will. But i will go to a meeting in the area, hopefully))) I know i have to go at least once.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Dear Venera
So glad you are here. You are most certainly not alone. I have 3 daughters. 11, 6 and a 1year old.
I am on my second round with a second A. The older girls have a different Dad from my one year old. The first A has never found recovery and has progressed with his disease almost to the point of death. He goes from woman to woman place to place and on the streets. I made the right choice in ending the relationship. My daughters and I managed fairly well and were quite the happy little family when the second A came around. We started out as friends and then without even realizing after 6 months he was at my place every night. We had family outings and my kids took to him well. I am very protective of my girls. At one point we had three properties to maintain between the two of us. We decided that it would make sense to sell my house in town and move to his out in the country. That is where things started becoming more apparent that he had a problem with alcohol. He would go to work and then come home to work out of his garage I just didn't realize he was working on his tolerance for alcohol. The first time I informed him that it may be best if the kids and I stayed somewhere else he settled down and during the week he wouldn't drink. I got pregnant about a year later and then the drink took a hold of him again. The baby was 3 months old and he ended up in detox because he thought I was leaving him. When you mentioned putting the baby on the bed my heart sank. I too would try to soften his temper by obeying his commands and I wouldn't sleep as soon as I knew he was passed out I would take the baby and sleep on the couch. This disease is very manipulative! It will make us very sick too.
At the end of the day and the beginning of every morning I remind myself... Children will learn what they live. What am I teaching them by allowing a person to treat me so poorly..is this what I want for my daughters??? Absolutely NOT!
Please keep coming back and take one day at a time. You need you for your babies. Al anon is a lifeline...grab hold of it and don't let go.
In support
M

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I have an air mattress that requires only an outlet to plug it in, blow it up and deflate it when I don't want to use it. It's more comfortable than my own bed. They cost about $50.00. Twin or queen size work nicely. I know what is confronting you right now is bigger than having your own bed, but I also have been a mother with young children and know how important it is for a Mom to get rest. I hope you get some soon and get to a meeting soon, too. (((V)))

Medi · Member

Dear Verena,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and I am wondering if you can call your family and ask them to come and spend some time with you, helping with the kids and your newborn? Perhaps they could also talk to your husband when he is sober and ask him to move out for some time to give you guys some space? If your family is not available, are you able to call his family and ask for support? My ex AH never listened to anything I said but he did listen to his father.

Try to set up a support system for yourself, I feel this is very important for you right now. Looking after two children and a newborn is hard enough, you simply can not and should not have to deal with any abuse on top of this. If family is not there to support you for whatever reason, try to reach out to your friends, Al-Anon....anyone that can support you right now.

Take care and please try to get support for you!

Again, having a newborn baby and two other children to look after is A LOT already and it will take all your energy and focus to look after the kids and yourself. You SHOULD NOT, CAN NOT deal with abuse on top of that. You said that you are feeling better when he is not in the house - make it your goal to get him out of the house. Ask for help. If he doesn't listen to you, get other people to talk to him.....

In love and support

Medi xoxo

Venera · Senior Member

Update.. I slept on the couch with the baby. He slept in the bed. He went to work, which is amazing, he usually would stay drinking few more days. But this is what get from him in the morning:

"i cannot believe you did this again, and worst. Yelling and screaming like crazy yesterday, making tense, for everybody, running me away sunday, making it imposible again to stay, and all of this before thanksgiving, birthday, vacation, and christmas. You ruined it for everybody now. I know what you are going to answer, it did not surprise me to hear your insults, i had predicted it to the 100%, i told you you would be worst and worst, so you did as expected, you cannot contain yourself anymore, now telling your mother is an automatic matter now, its ridiculous. You dont even stop and think for a second, do you? its like a monster takes over you, and it usually lasts 3-4 days before you come to your senses. You have a mental inballance and you need to be treated, believe me, by medication maybe, not dumb books, websites, etc...but real doctor and pills. "

Mari1978 · Senior Member

My dearest Venera

You have been living with a terrible disease. The alcoholic just manipulated the situation to suit his needs.
YOU did not cause it. YOU can not control it. YOU can not cure it.
Those words he spoke are almost to the exact nature of what my A would say to me. He called me crazy. I was exhausted from caring for small children and all the housework and had no one to hold my hand and support me. Alone living with the disease of alcoholism is much too overwhelming for one to manage and keep sanity. Al anon is for you. Follow the 12 steps and feel the love and warmth that surrounds you. An A will try in every possible way to isolate you. If I were your mother I would want to know. Not to make it better or fix it but to be a support. You need rest, of course you are angry, and you don't even have a moment to rest adequately. You are emotionally drained. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is not having someone do everything for you but at least give you a break. You deserve it.
One day at a time

Please keep coming back.
With much love and support
M

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