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i am trying very hard to not enable my son but it is very hard....as clear as i get about who i want to be....i lose myself and get confused.
he is 20, has an active warrant out for his felony strike offense, on and off of meth...hard for me to know exactly whats up right now....
i am trying to just cut completely but i am overcome by guilt. i have done way too many things in the last few months to help him and basically support him in being a wanted criminal.
right now i just want to buy him a new phone because his is broken and he cannot text. i dont like talking to him directly but i hate being completely out of communication. but just to get him a new phone i have to call him and arrange a meeting and that is so much drama. of course, my own life has tanked the more i get involved in his crazy world.
he had 4 chances through the courts at rehab instead of prison. i told him at that point he is on his own but i just havent stuck to that.
can someone with more experience with this sort of thing please help me. i know i need the whole alanon thing but here i am right now....confused.....
thanks,
-- Edited by maja on Friday 1st of November 2013 11:25:30 PM
-- Edited by maja on Friday 1st of November 2013 11:30:16 PM
Aloha Maja and welcome to the board...you can scroll back in time and get many many experiences lots of which come from other mothers of alcoholics and addicts which are of value and only if you are willing to duplicate what they have done. My own eldest son has recently relapsed...gone back out as we some times say and I'm soooo grateful for the time I have in the Al-Anon Family Groups of which there are hundreds in your area. One of the first tools we get in program is the 3cees. We didn't cause it, cannot control it and will not be able to cure it. It really is on them because they are the ones also who own the 3cees. The cause it and control it how its coming out for them now and they can cure it by arresting it with total abstinence. Your son knows...he knows that he knows and he needs to feel every ounce and volt of pain that comes from his addiction...mind, body, spirit and emotions...its all his and should be.
When ever you're done you're done...keeping going when you feel done makes you feel sicker and sicker and sicker. I got to the point of suicide just before I found the rooms of Al-Anon and the program taught me that a successful suicide wasn't about ending my life it was about ending how I lived it and today I don't live it like I use to.
One way you might look at your picture with your addict son is that you are interferring with his health and sobriety. Each time you enable that means you enable it to get worse even when using the best intentions and I did that also before I learned how the disease ran...It is cunning, powerful and baffling. I hope you are getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings in your are. Without them neither you or your son stand a change. Addiction kills and it has no prejudice about who.
What's right? For me it's sitting with the people who have been there and made awesome life changes. The number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. If you're not there yet...get there very soon. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
Think of it this way, maybe him not having a phone is actually helping him, he cant call and arrange drug deals or its making it harder for him to get drugs so if you get him a phone you are making it easier for him to be a drug addict. You are acting on your own fears rather than what is good for him. I have also done this but my son has not had a phone for many months now, I do enable in other ways thats for sure, its very hard when its your son. Guilt, fear all creep in and get us involved. It might help to make a list of your own boundaries i.e. I wont ever do..... etc and stick to them no matter what, as if your life depends on it, which it does. Good luck.
When they are spiraling and drugs are the main focus -
1. he wont use the phone for texting you like you want
2. he will use it to call his druggie friends
3. he may sell the phone for drugs
4. he may already have a phone and be telling you his is broken so he can get another one to sell for drugs.
For all of the above reasons, you continue with your boundaries. If you have an icky feeling like "Maybe I shouldn't be doing this..." It's probably good to follow it.
Welcome to MIP. I am the mother of an adult child with this disease. I have learned that the best way to help my child is to help myself in Al-Anon, doing things I love to do, and refusing to put myself in harm's way to try to save him, change him, heal him, protect him, or even help him when all that is on his mind is getting his next fix. I refuse to be used or abused by his disease. I refuse to bail him out of trouble, lie for him, or pretend that by being there for him in ways that have already shown me don't work, he'll get better. Truth is, my adult child won't get better unless he wants to stop using and he won't want to stop using because of me. He'll stop using because he wants to do that when he wants to do it with the help of his Higher Power and I'm not that. Al-Anon and my HP helped me let go of my adult child and find myself again. I hope you choose to go to Al-Anon meetings and come back here, too. Sending you lots of understanding and encouragement as you learn how this disease affects us and the solutions that help heal us from its affects.
I'm a mother of a A son. For 5 long years I have done everything in my power to help him get well. I am a great enabler you might say. 80 grand and still in the same place. My son has done jail time, has a felony, has lost most of his property and just recently got out of a great rehab center where I thought would give him a change. 4 days later he was drinking again.
He still has a phone but I'm going to ask his father to let go and give everything back to his son. My son needs to feel the full extent of his choices. Maybe if he suffers enough he might finally seek recovery. Not this off and on thing because mom and dad still do just enough enabling to make him comfortable.
You need to seek help for you my friend. He is going to use or he's not going to use....What are you going to do
Take care and keep coming back because you are not alone.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My son at some points in his early 20's was selling pot and another point selling some kind of pills uppers. He didnt ask me for a lot because we were not in daily communication....but I didnt buy him a phone for two reasons...one is it would make it easier to get in touch with his dealers and buyers and 2 because I wanted to stay away from the pain of knowing what he was doing. Detaching was not easy but as I look back it was the best thing I did. Take what you need and leave the rest....
Try as hard as you can to get into meetings now, and read Alanon literature it is a life saver.....in support of not enabling your son .....og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
welcome to Alanon Maja, I also have adult children who are affected, one is now clean for 6 years..a miracle ..I have learned to keep the focus on my own recovery. Detachment with love is a wonderful tool..meetings and reading everything you can find will help you understand, you are Not alone.and we can get better and healthier..letting our troubles and worries go and surrendering them to your Hp will bring you comfort and peace..while having a mammogram the other day, I said to the tech, I always want to help with possitiong of my chest..I was told...you help me by Not helping me..I thought wow..that can be applied to everything..Bless you..keep coming back.Love & Light..grammie
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Serenity isn't freedom from the storm.. It's the peace within the storm...
