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My husband and I are behind on our mortgage by 2 payments for quite a while now. Over a year. The bank wants us to modify our loan and stretch it out for 40 years. We have less than 10 years to pay it off. We will be in our 90's!!!! We can pay every month but it is difficult to pay the back payments. We have done financial counceling. He is the only income due to health problems I have. So I consulted the financial councelor what to do to get this paid back but not go out 40 years and do the loan remodification. It will also damage our credit like a bankruptcy. The concelor said the husband was the key. If he would just work and extra job to get it coaught up say thru the holidays. We could use all of that income to pay back the loan payments. So when I sat down to talk to the hubbie (Alcoholic) he was so negative. Nothing positive. It doesn't matter he says we will never get caught up. Our credit will never change anyway. So on and on he went in a negative rant yelling and screaming. We talked again later he did the same told me he did work and I didn't so go out and get a job. I do babysit some. Planning on the whole weekend this Fri. and Sat. I told him I will help towards it to with watever I earn. But it is not probably going to happen with my health issues. Believe me I am not lazy. I have sarcoidoisis, (kind of like lupus) and Fibro. I would gladly work to get away from his craziness if I could. He said he wishes he was dead. He screams this at me. He is sober now and does not attend meetings or work his program. I can tell he is severly depressed. He screams let them come and take our home I don't care. Let the bank have it. I just keep trying to turn the conversation to a positive direction and talk about how we can turn this situation around and move forward. He just kept talking in circles. He has left me hanging out here to deal with this myself and I am not the one who can earn income that will make a difference to solve this. I am on my own. A very lonely place to be. Not giving up but looking at my hubbie and realizing he is not the person I married. Not the person I thought was my partner. We can be a team and he just doesn't care to be on the team at all. He is so depressed. So I do forgive him. It seems as if he isn't even really in there. He and I both worked when we built our home. HE worked at his sheetmetal/heating and cooling job by day and worked until 11 or 12 at night to build our home himself at night. So He doesn't even care about it now. Won't do anything to fix anything anymore. We still have a daughter who is 14 to raise. He always says we will just get a double wide extra long mobile home instead. Or rent an old farmhouse. I said it would be about the same to even rent and then it won't be ours. I am worried about him but also don't how to help him and myself. My 27 yr. old daughter says mom he would sit in the dark with no electric, dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and let the house fall down around him. The last thing he said is well I don't know what to tell you. I said what do I tell the bank? I don't know. Tell them I will sell my guitars. I am like what I can't tell them that. He seems checked out of reality too. Any advise?
I can relate- t's frustrating, maddening, and insane... but that doesn't begin to truly describe it. Please take care of you.
At this time, he is unable to be the reliable partner whom you can trust to co-pilot rational decisions. Please continue to gather the information that you need and work with the bank. If the worst case scenario is extending the mortgage, that can be changed later when your finances change. Make the best decision possible with the information that you have and keep doing the next right thing and keeping yourself healthy.
Lean on your HP, Alanon, the 12 steps, the principles, the people to help give you the emotional support you need.
Agreeing with Bud here: I would work with the bank if your house payment is less than rent in your area, even if it means extending the loan. You could always sell or refinance again in a few years. If you are planning to stay married at this point, it might make the most financial sense but only you know your situation and can make the right judgement call. My AH is pretty much depressed like that, too, a lot of the time and I find that I have to carry the weight of most things around here including making sure bills get paid, etc.
This is a tough situation and one that seems to be calling you to take the reins. If it were me I would start gathering all the info I could from the bank, an attorney, another financial advisor, etc etc, lay out all of my options, including work I could do (even telemarketing), pray, attend many meetings and make some very hard decisions. There is no way I would let my well being rest in what he will or won't do. Take good care of you and seek out healthy support systems. (((Hugs)))
Right after I posted this my hubbie called me from work and said your prayers were answered. He called this guy he worked with at a nursing home. The guy had extra work on the side to do heating and cooling work. They have no one there doing this since he left. So he can pick up extra work. WTF???? I was dumbfounded!!!! This after he screamed at the top of his lungs at me and said I already have a job. I will not work another one! Now I did not give him the reaction of excitement he wanted because of shock. He then asked the name of an insurance guy he had contacted to get a quote last spring on liability insurance for side jobs. Now since I never knew the the guys name or talked to him myself I said I don't know who are you talking about? He got very angry and said I thought you would be happy about this! I said I am just trying to answer your question. I am happy about this. I didn't know who! I knew he had talked to someone. But I asked did I ever talk to him I don't think I did. He said no. So I said well how can I answer then since I don't know his name.
This all seemed so weird like a roller coaster ride of down and up and down. It could almost be strange bipolar mood swing. I do think he had ADD un treated since our son has it. He acknowledges this. But he is depressed and is on anti-depressants. I have wondered about bipolar. Hmm.... Well It is hard to not be focused on the A when this is financially tieing me to him and my life. I can't get to meetings right now with our daughters activities on the times they meet. So I appreciate you folks here so much. He seemed to move forward and make an appoint ment with the insurance guy for Monday. He says the side work starts Monday. So I will watch and see.
The bank guy raked me over the coals when I told him we were going to not take the 40 yr loan. I know it may seem not wise I sort of feel like Scarlett oHara in determination that the bank will not force us to do this. I just had that nagging feeling not to do it. I feel like I will eat dirt before I will let them force us into another 40yrs when we are 52 and 54yrs old. We have paid a payment every month for over a year now. The bank guy talked to me like I was a child and tried to intimidate me. The bank would love to take our home with so much equity we have. I asked him if they could suspend the late fees until we could get it caught up to date and he said he would ask but he didn't think so since we didn't take the loan remodification. I think that's BS. It's worth a try anyway. I tried to say as little as possible to just get off the phone.
Wouldn't it be nice if this whole thing could be something that brought my sober A and I together and we could work as a team to get this back on track and show this bank we won't be letting this loan go another 40 years! I found out we have 9 yrs and 7 months left on the payments. I will sit in my underwear in the dark eating dirt before I let this bank guy lecture me again! Katy Perry hear me ROAR!
Also I am grateful for you to remind me to lean on my higher power. I do this but it is always good to remind me as we always forget and think we are to figure everything out on our own. Right? I do know I can not count on him to be reliable. It be comes more and more apparent. Funny to me really. He was sober since 1995. But not really working the program since he left outpatient program of Koala. Then this summer told me he smoked pot one night. He says he hasn't done it since and I think with his attitude he would not hesitate to tell me if he still was doing it. He doesn't seem to care what I think. But over all these years he seems to care less and less about himself, his surroundings, appearance. Where I would think a person could build on this over time. His coping skills may be dwindling over time and he needs to get to AA. It's free. It is a way even if you don't talk but listen can learn from others. Eventually open up even. I can suggest this. But whether he does this or not will not be my responsibility. Since I need to focus on what I need to do. I have vowed to do one small thing for me. Silly as it may seem I love to sew. So I am going to set aside little blocks of time to sew. This may help us to have some Christmas gifts this year and be my own therapy too. It is hard for me to sit too long at the machine but I am determined to do it on certain days or a certain time everyday. I am going to keep taking any baby sitting I can get and look for some type of work if there is anything that I can do. I am not sure if there is anything but I can keep looking. Hugs everyone.
Hello fellow stitcher - great news about the second job coming through for your hubbie and well done on working with the bank to find a solution that suits you as well as them.
I've been wondering about using my sewing skills to make a bit of extra money since it is something that I really enjoy doing. So everyone I know is going to get a stitched christmas present from me this year as a bit of market research to see if I could go on to sell a few bits and bobs in the future. Hopefully the presents won't land up in the 'worse christmas present I ever had' recycle box!
Everything is dramatic and an argument with a drunk - especially when he's at home trying to get his drunk on maybe? Sometimes, depending on what type of functioning they have left - they do get around to being responsible but it's always on their time.
I understand how the strain of finances can be crippling. Working step 3.
I struggle to find some quiet space away from chaos to clear my head. This year, my daughter and I will be celebrating the holidays with the gift of quality time with each other- and planning a future of better times. I wish things were better now, but I'm grateful for being able to create good memories regardless.
You know....I am never going to pay off my home so I did a refi under the HARP program. It lowered my payments by 500 dollars and made it so much easier on me. I will sell the home at a profit when I retire and live a good life. I didn't have back payments but they will usually roll them into the new loan.
Just a thought....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Paula I have a group I went to years ago.I recently this summer started going back. But when school started and my daughters activites kicked in I was unable to attend still. But I called my sponsor and we have talked. So I will be going back. and doing my readings. But this is why I have also talked to you friends on here since I can't get to meetings. Thanks for asking though.
Thanks to all of your comments. They are all helpful. And the thing that helps the most is to know all of you even took the time to read such a long rant. Wow so nice to think someone is listening to me. When I am at home I am either by myself or with a teen or with my A who I feel I must not say certain things as he will be sent into a mood swing.
I swear mine has Bi polar!! Before Tom explained he suffers with Dry Drunk and has on an off for years, I truly thought he was whacked!!!!! It did not show until he slipped, and it came back full blown. BUT, he doesnt do much about it either so. There ya have it!
I am not sure if your husband is actively drinking or not. But between my A and our Therapist Dry drunk (if he is not drinking) has all the same symptoms as ADHD and Bi polar. And very hard to deal with, I know! Like everyone else would say, keep working on yourself. I learn everyday how to deal with his behavior, and it works and what doesnt work I try different things. Some days I feel I shouldnt have to deal with it, but I guess if I choose to be with him, I have to play my part as well.
You say in one of your posts: I tried to say as little as possible to just get off the phone. I find when he is acting like a, hmmmmmm. Well.. non-human, saying little to nothing is KEY!! Or saying one stern thing and end it 9let him think about your word(s). I am sure you have learned this by now.
There is help on houses and payments. I hope you find one that works for you. And many listen on here, you are not alone! XOXOX
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Monday 4th of November 2013 02:18:31 PM
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
