The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is kind of me trying to reason this one out, but why am I so unbelievably angry that A can't support me the way I need to be supported. I know I may as well go talk to a bowl of jello and it would make me feel more understood plus its colorful and happy. I mean really its more a question of why am I trying to get the patience and support I need from someone who isn't able to? That's more my issue, why the heck do I do this? Sigh, at least I am not a devastated heap of tears that's progress.
I do hear you. Being angry, sad, resentful at the insanity of this disease is normal and very human. I believe that it is healthy for you to feel the anger, own it(as you have) and then ask HP to give you the Serenity, Courage and Wisdom to know how to respond in a constructive manner in the future.
I have to get into a spiritual Solution so I'm not stuck in that angry place.
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
That where there is hatred, I may bring love.
That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness.
That where there is discord, I may bring harmony.
That where there is error, I may bring truth.
That where there is doubt, I may bring faith.
That where there is despair, I may bring hope.
That where there are shadows, I may bring light.
That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort, than to be comforted.
To understand, than to be understood.
To love, than to be loved.
For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
I can relate my partner is sober to day and a little bit more supportive but still trying to just fight this disease.
All I ever wanted was him to love and support me, but he couldnt even love or support himself this disease is so horrible.
In al anon we have the three A's awareness, acceptance and action.
I slowley became aware that my A was sick, then that he could not support me.
Then I slowley accepted this
Then the good bit, I went out and found healthy loving people who could. I found them in al anon meetings, on here and other sites, at the end of the phone, in shares within my literature , at conventions, even at open AA meetings. There is so so much support if you reach out. Not to forget mY HP he is my greatrest support tool today.
It is normal to get upset and angrey when someone we love can not support us, but getting into the blame game helps no one, today I try to bleme the diease not the poor soul who it is attacking.
hope you reach out and get some healthy loving support today.
One of our alanon books describes this as trying to buy bread at a hardware store. You just can't expect the emotional support from the alcoholic that you hope for.
That's a tough one. I have only recently come to understand that I was allowing myself to get frustrated at something I couldn't change and wasn't going to change. It doesn't make it easier - but I think I finally got the lesson and accept it. I accept that my exAH is not going to stop behaving the way that he is until he makes some changes so I have to stop hoping and wanting them and being disappointed when they fall through. It's taken me a good year and half to do that and don't think that for one moment I won't fall back into that pattern if I don't watch myself! Acceptance is so hard when you care...
There is a line in our literature that says * going to an alcoholic for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread .* sad but true . I finally found the support I was looking for from my Al-Anon friends and sponsor , turns out all I needed was to be heard . I also figured out that most of my stuff was woman stuff and my husb wouldn't be able to help anyway, go figure . A practicing alcoholic is just not emotionally available and one of the biggest mistakes I made over and over again was for him to act * NORMAL* duhh practicing alcoholics don't think like other people their focus in always on them . This disease just dosen't allow concern for other people. If your not already attending f2f meetings for yourself please do yourself a favor and find a couple you can attend on a regular basis you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and learn to let go of expections , it is possible for you to find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not . Louise
Thank you all for the replies. Sifting through so many layers of hurt at least coming here I am not alone trying to get through to a wall which is such a blessing.
It helped me when I finally accepted that it is a mental illness. I wouldn't have expectations of someone else who had a mental illness. I found my support in all my friends in AlAnon. I don't even look for it from the hubby (who is in AA). If I receive any from him I am grateful and very surprised.
I didn't think I was capable of being happy without someone MAKING me happy. I learned WHY I thought like that in recovery - and also HOW to grow away from that thinking and behavior. The solutions were in the steps and working through my upbringing in the middle steps - to find out I had been programmed that way by unhealthy parents - who were programmed that way by unhealthy parents - etc etc. Once I saw the co-dependent behaviors for what they were, I could begin to heal. My husband is often emotionally unavailable to me. He is not close to being able to express his feelings in a way that would suit me at all time. I know he has never worked through his ACOA issues, and so I don't expect him to change, I work on me and my relationship with my HP instead. I take what good there is, and am responsible for my own happiness when he's not capable. If and when he sometimes is capable - it's just a bonus to my already fulfilling life. I work for it - and it works for me. It doesn't even feel like work actually ;)
