The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Having co-dependency means that, at some point, I completely lost myself in another person - a person that happened to be an alcoholic. That means that for that entire decade there was a whirlwind of chaos, emotional breaking, depression, and anxiety. I had no boundaries. I said I wouldn't accept certain things, then accepted them anyway. I did everything in my power to take care of my husband and our life, and pretended none of it was happening or it wasn't as bad as it was.
We have come such a long way since then. My husband's drinking has dropped drastically, and I have come to accept that even if it hadn't I have no control over it. We have both been in counseling, together and apart. We bought our first house. He is on medication for his anxiety and depression. I continue to see a therapist for my co-dependency and a few other issues.
As I work on myself, I learned how to re-establish my boundaries. Once they were up and holding, I was able to turn and look inward. A long, hard, naked look at myself. I am ashamed and saddened by what I see. My confidence is paper-thin, and wrapped up in ego-stroking and the approval of others. I expect myself to be good at everything, but never practice at it, which means I end up not nearly as good as I think I am and frustrated when I try to work on projects or hobbies. I allow what I think others are thinking (not even what they actually think, but what I think they think) to dictate my actions. I developed Crazy-Brain, which constantly chatters to me about if, if, if. I procrastinate. I built myself up as much as I could, but it was all on a cracked foundation. This year, 2013, has been my Tower card. I've been shaken down to my very core, and now am faced with rebuilding everything.
So, if I'm to rebuild, I have to do it right. I have to learn how to be my own person without my husband, and allow him to be himself without me. This is terribly frightening to me, because I am afraid that one or the other of us will, once we are whole unto ourselves, not want to be whole as a couple. I suppose that's a hurdle for another day, but I do want to acknowledge that fear. I must learn to validate myself and not depend on others for my strength and joy. I must re-examine old, old, old scars and make sure they are as healed as they can be, and not secretly festering toxicity into my psyche. I must stop pretending I love myself, stop thinking I love myself, and actually love myself.
I had no idea that something so simple would be so treacherous or so frightening. However, I think I am finally strong enough for this undertaking. I hope my husband is strong enough as well. I hope all of the changes we are trying to make are for the good. I give myself permission to be who I am, and to discover and accept myself fully. I am worthwhile, I am strong, and I'm going to be ok.
Yes, you are going to be okay. You've decided that will be true for you. You've decided on the consequences you want for you - with or without him. Good for you.
((((Spider)))))...great post and very hopeful. You can make it cause many others have in the program of Al-Anon. I read your post with the memory of what it was like, what I found out and what it is like now because of the program and its suggestions and people and tools. I hear Barry Manilows song "I made it thru the rain" and I smile cause I did and now the storms don't scare me. I read your post and I smile because recovery has become a journey and endeavor I wouldn't have missed for the promise of anything else. To rebuild with the slogan "progress no perfection" allowed the fear to subside and allowed me to learn words like mercy and margin "good enough"...don't let the best get in the way of the better...Al-Anon wisdom for those with the courage to change. Get the fears out...the fear of, the fear to and the fear from...replace fear at times with faith and always with love. Love and fear cannot exist in the same place at exactly the same time as they are diametrically opposed. Practice love...the complete and total acceptance of every human being (including yourself) for exactly who they are. Stay in the light. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I'm intrigued with your avatar because of my relationships with black widow spiders...cool and sinister
I love the expressions "Having codependence" and "Crazy-Brain." That's what it's like, all right! You sound like you have so much awareness. I've come to see that awareness is the magic key that opens the door to a whole new serenity. If only it all were easier! But the rewards are so great.
SA, when you become WHOLE as a person you will not have fear of being a couple or not, that will not matter anymore because you will be whole with him or without him and he will be to. It may be hard to understand right now but you will not be half a person but a whole person and able to live and be happy with him or without him. in support OG
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
wonderfully honest share.. when we gain awareness we start to accept and eventually change. Its always helped me to depend on my HP for strength.. to trust that my HP loves my husband far more than I ever could.. that my HP will take care of him, even if that doesnt look the way I think it should... I am so incredibly grateful for al-anon. Prayers are being sent for your peace tonight.... keep coming back.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I hear you; The good thing about us "crazy brained" people is that in many ways what breaks us can only can make us stronger. Co-dependents have a bad rap, but they also give too much because they care too much......A caring person is beautiful; that is definitely a start to help ourselves rebuild and find that sense of identity and purpose we need. Good share :)
(((SA)))
Sometimes when I feel lost I have something now I never knew existed before. MIP. Its like reaching out and holding the hands of others across the world. Together we can with the powerful tools of AL anon.
Thank you all for the kindness. Having these sorts of realizations is a bit terrifying, but it makes me so much more aware of myself. The crazy-brain is the worst by far - I can't stand how it chatters on about every little thing and what might happen and what someone might be thinking and on and on and on. I've gotten pretty good at sticking a cork in it, almost literally. I envision a cork being shoved into a bottle and it shuts up. The hardest part is the feeling of disconnection I'm currently having in regards to my husband. We're learning to be our own people, and it feels like we've lost some closeness. Which we're supposed to do, I think. I just feels weird.
@ Jerry F - thanks! It's not my picture, just something I found on the internets. Spiders are my totem, and I felt that it really suited me.
