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Hello everyone. I googled al anon forums and found this place.
I know what al anon is, I have been going to meetings for about a year now. I am familiar with the 12 steps, by no means an expert; as for meetings I just go-when-I-can sort of thing.
I am a male in my late 20's, soon to be not married with two small children. Long story short, my wife is an alcohol and prescription pill magnet. She has a masters degree, a certified paralegal and has a bachelors degree. She is very smart, has a kind heart, but she made me very sick over the past 4 years. She has almost killed my children in drunk driving and has been arrested 3 times the past year, one of them for DUI; she also has a history of shoplifting. She has hurt me very much and last month I filed for divorce.
That is the synopsis of my story. I feel like an older man, maybe someone in his 50's? I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, I have been through so much pain, fear and abuse that I feel I grew very old. I thought at first maybe it was me? Maybe I caused this? Of course Al anon teaches you the 3 C's, so today I understand a little bit better. But at the time, I was a huge wreck because of my wife and her professional lies. I had lost 20 pounds, I am already skinny and tall so I look terrible. People always comment that I should eat more. I have black circles under my eyes and I am always tired. Lately though, things are looking better.
The long story. I never really got a chance to let it all out on paper. Most of my sharing is in person in group meetings with other al anon members. I like to share (you should share too), it helps me a lot and I teach people a lot about spousal drinking with children (law stuff, protecting yourself + the kids etc...). I can't say I did the right thing at the right time, all the time, but what I did gave me experience and I guess you can say I earned the bragging rights, unfortunately, and you will see why.
I met my wife back in early 2009. We met at a restaurant get together with a lot of friends. I was 24 and looking for someone 'interesting'. I had no idea what I was about to get myself into.
Everyone drinks right? Especially us young folk. Except alcoholism is not even something I could comprehend back then, she had some wine, I had some beer, sweet!
Well very quickly after that we started to date, we both hung out a lot and drank a lot. The difference is, I am not an alcoholic, she is; and I found that out the hard way later on.
Fast forward a year, our son was born. We moved in with my parents so they could help with the new baby. My parents have a china cabinet filled with bottles that were collected over the years from different parts of the world. These bottles were special and no one in my family touched them. Little by little they would disappear, empty in a matter of weeks. Nothing made sense.
No one know who drank them, we dare not point the finger at her, it couldn't be her!? Could it?
A few months elapse, we move out and get an apartment. Biggest nightmare of my life. Living alone with an A, alone, with babies.
This was when things went from bad to horrific. I found out she was pregnant again, with my daughter. After she gave birth she went on a pill popping and drinking crusade.
I work 9-5 hours, come home and almost on a daily basis notice her acting strangely lethargic and slow (this was right after she gave birth, she decided to get back into drinking and pills, she claims she never abused during pregnancy).
I had become a full time detective. Making phone calls to restaurants for itemized receipts, following her around the house to keep her from falling on glass (she almost slit her neck open in the tub by falling backwards, drunk), trying to figure out where shes going (she was doctor shopping for xanax, 4 different doctors within 1 year), all this while trying to take care of the kids in the meantime, life was very hard. I now know I was trying to control, which is a no-no. But it's hard not to try to control when your children are in imminent danger. I was in a tough spot.
The hard part was really her drinking and driving and stealing my pills from my medicine cabinet and just becoming a heinous creature (neglecting the children, shoplifting, sleeping with another man etc..). Passing out near the kids, driving intoxicated, leaving the house at random hours of the night, leaving me alone with the kids, getting in accidents and ultimately ending up in jail for leaving the scene an accident with an injured party.
The day she became arrested for the 'big one' as I refer to it (the accident that really shook me, last year), I took her purse from the car and found a dated receipt from a restaurant that she went to 30 minutes before the time of the accident, I called the restaurant and asked them to fax me an itemized version of this receipt as I was curious as to what she bought. Dinner and some Alcohol
She drove with the children and rear ended a woman ( this was a couple months after she rear-ended an elderly man, but this time her hatred for authority reared its head at the wrong time) she decided to leave the scene of the accident with both airbags deployed and the kins in the car. After numerous phone calls to her trying to convince her to go back to the scene (this is now turning into a 3rd degree felony), she eventually returned to the accident scene after leaving my kids home alone an unattended (I called my neighbor and neighbor ran over to the house and saw the kids alone in the kitchen, neighbor was speechless).
She gets arrested, but the police did not give her a drug or alky test, weird huh?
3 months later after begging her and threatening to leave her, I convince her to admit into rehab. She walked out of rehab at will, twice, more threats from me and finally got her to stay the full 30 days.
She failed the program, she drank 3 hours before an outpatient urine test. She even knew she was going to get the urine test, she still drank. This is how strong her Alcoholism is to her. She re-admitted after testing positive, two weeks later, she tested positive again and was discharged unsuccessfully. I was beside her the whole time, I was her number 1 cheerleader. I brought her spirits up when she was down, I gave her all the strength she needed and I showed up at the rehab clinic whenever she needed. I even covered for her boss when she needed to work, I did her work for her at home.
She came out unclean, but I was willing to push forward and help her because I wanted to do it for the kids. Maybe they can have a normal mother one day, who knows.
2 months after she was discharged I find out she went out with another man that she had already cheated on me with (and admitted to it a year before this). I asked her what was going on, and where did you go, what did you do? She claims nothing happened, but she did have a drink with him.
Double slap in the face, not only did I forgive her the first time she cheated on me with this man that she kept a secret from me since the beginning, but she had a drink with him, after I poured everything I had into her recovery.
That was last year.
All of this past year it was the same thing all over again, to keep things short, I moved my kids and her into my parents house so my immediate family can keep an eye on the kids because I no longer trusted her because she is dangerous when she drinks and eats xanax.
Fast forward to august 2013, she gets a DUI, comes out of jail a few days later and goes directly to the casino to start gambling. She was uncontrollable all of august. She had two high paying jobs (one she started in may and the other she has had for the past 4 years) and got fired from both of them within one month of eachother. She never took recovery seriously. At that point she has no money, no job, and has a pretty solid criminal history with no desire to change. I decide I need to divorce.
I find out she's pregnant. I won't go to the details of the 3rd pregnancy, let's just say this baby was 11 weeks old and had been exposed to more xanax and alcohol than some people do in a lifetime, he wasnt going to make it.
She gets in more accidents, and more trouble. The list goes on, I could write a very fat book about how she tried to accuse me of 'sabotaging her car' which is how she claims she got in her most recent accident on august 23rd, problem is she doesnt remember getting in the accident, she was sedated from the pills and alcohol she consumed ( I remind her of that but she doesnt seem to get it!). She proceeded to file criminal charges against me, thankfully, she didnt get very far. Although she did succeed into scaring the bejeezus out of me (I am young and I have never been to court or had to deal with anything legal before).
Nobody could help me, everytime I called the police they just stood there and said there is nothing they could do. The department of children and families in my county got involved, they didnt do SH--. My wife was being so wreckless, even after her DUI, she wanted to take my kids for a drive and DCF didnt do anything other then create this non-official non-enforceable "safety plan" that is worth squat. How do I protect the kids? What if she takes them for a drive and they all die? This woman terrifies me. I was in a very deep depression all of august and september, I had no where to go, she took off with the kids in september and with her history of substance abuse I didnt know what was going to happen to the kids. So all I could do was pray, I prayed to God because I had nothing, no one could help me. No police, no lawyer, no investigator could help me, I resorted to prayer. And it worked.
She got arrested this past september (and no I didn't pray for that to happen, I just prayed for peace) for violation of probation, judge sentenced her to house arrest at a halfway house and must attend 90 meetings in 90 days. The kids were returned to me and she can only see them 3 times a week. My 4 year old son gets therapy once a week.
I used to feel bad for her, then I started to look at myself, how sick I got. And then I looked at her, boy does she eat like a horse! Why should I feel bad for her? She had every opportunity to recover and she just kicked sand in my eyes. I really felt like a dog for 4 years. She tries to pull out the victim card, yea ok honey, good thing I go to al anon. The victim card doesnt work on me, I tried to show her the light for years and I pushed her through the doorway into recovery but she chose to go back to drugs and alcohol, she isn't the victim, my kids are, I am, my mother is, the old man she rear ended is one too etc...
I don't know if this will help her, it won't matter, the damage is too much for me. There is no trust in this relationship, it will never be the 4 of us ever again.
The End
-- Edited by OneMan on Monday 28th of October 2013 06:14:47 PM
-- Edited by OneMan on Monday 28th of October 2013 06:16:34 PM
You're just One Man and welcome to the board. I am One Man also and relate to your story because I've been there and done that myself and was glad that when I ran out of hope and the depression hit and I was suicidal Al-Anon was there for me and HP led me by the hand to get there.
Alcoholism is a disease...an AMA registered disease with its own symptoms and pathology. I had to learn and accept that my wife was a sick person with a compulsion and allergy to what is often a fatal disease. Yes we dealt with many many of the scenarios of this disease including hospitalizations and the police and stealing and infidelity and all of the other stuff which is "normal" in alcoholism. I learned how to speak about "my wife" and then "my alcoholic" and to be able to tell the difference between each cause there was a difference.
Like yourself I found out about "my part in it" which was wide and long and deep. I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and was doing the best I could with what I knew which was alot about alcoholism and I couldn't even spell the words when I got into recovery. I also tried to get her sober and I didn't read in your post where you experimented with killing your wife as one way to get her sober or the other way of trying to teach her how to drink and her not being able to stay with you on that. That is part of my story...none of what I attempted worked and it wasn't supposed to I found out in Al-Anon. Who works best with an alcoholic is another recovering alcoholic and the willingness and desire to bet and be sober. There came a time when my alcoholic wife just wished she could drink like me and neither of us understood. Today as far as I know she is clean and sober. Last time I saw her in 1993 she was and she was also my hp given metaphor for humility because she got sobr when I thought she would never live and she did it in a way at first like no one else I've ever heard...it was a message to me to do it the same way or I would not make it.
I've been in recovery longer than you've drawn breath and I have no bragging rights. How could I have bragging rights when it was at the knees and tables of so many people in recovery that I learned and am still learning. It was in the lessons of relapse that I got into AA myself because to get back into drinking would cost me my life. Alcoholics are not bad people...they are sick people with a life threatening disease...a compulsion to drink and an allergy to it. Go figure.
What did I know after 1 year of recovery. I knew that if I ever went about my life alone with the insane life management skills I had at the time chances are drunk or not I would be terminal. I am here by the grace of God and the hope and friendships and ESH I have gratefully been by the programs. I don't know if my former alcoholic/addict wife did 90/90...I did and I only know what I have done to get and stay serene and sober one day at a time. I don't "go when I can" to meetings. I have a home group and I participate in it and the program on several levels. I have a sponsor and I sponsor others. I have the literature, live the steps and have a Higher Power I call Father in english and Akua in my culture. My relationship with my Higher Power is "the" relationship for my life...before all others. If I don't use that relationship I'm like a personal manager with myself as a boss and a closed for business sign outside. I'm done.
Make a commitment to yourself. If you have the attitude that you will just drop in on recovery the chances are soon you will drop out on yourself and life will get worse. How do I know? Been there, done that too.
Welcome to the board. You can go way back in time to read earlier posts from others who have been where you have. Keep coming back, (((hugs)))
Hello. Welcome to MIP. I hear you! Lots of anger and hurt for you to work through? I didn't throw myself into helping my x and his sobriety. I did do it with my son. I don't regret what I did. My intentions were to support his recovery and impose consequences I could live with for his non-compliance with house rules and recovery work. When I saw that he wanted to keep on drinking, using and partying, I had to focus primarily on me and allow him to experience the consequences of a disease over which he was as powerless as I without a program. Not easy, I know, but do-able one day at a time as you are undoubtedly doing by working your program? Keep coming back. We get it. We are there or have been there.
Jerry is right...."dropping in" on recovery is not going to work if ya want a life....its a life time commitment..
you have been severely impacted by alcoholism, cheating, dangerous behaviour, child abuse (endangering kids, abandoning them, etc.) you have really been screwed over by this disease
also may i say that cheating is not the by product of alcoholism.....it is in the person or it is not....the booze only erases any fears about doing it..........so lets get that one straight....she cheated b/c she is a cheater.....the same goes for a beater...domestic violence perpetrators blame the "booze made me do it" but underneath they have anger issues, unresolved , that come out when they are drinking....lusting after man when a woman is married is not the "devil make me do it" thing...it is fact.....a cheater is a cheater ...a beater is a beater....the drink only erases any fears about doing it.....my bio sire was a serial child offender......i know he offended drunk and sober...it did not matter...the evil was there in him.....
I have know many A's who never have cheated...never have beaten on a spouse/lover........cheating and beating was already there...part of their character........so u did, in my opinion, what I would have done which is to
quit...throw in the towel....save those poor kids....the 4 yr. old can recover if his life is made safe and NOW...not next year but NOW....
these babies need you so i urge you to stay in the program....get to meetings...get a sponsor, and work the 12 steps....memorize and practice the slogans...read the literature and practice this programs teachings....its the only way.......
i am so sorry u had to experience this, and yea, when u r young, u dont' think that this could happen to you, but it did...now its time to accept it.....make a safe home for those kids and most of all work on your program so you are a real dad to those poor children...otherwise, THEY will be in recovery rooms, possibly turning into substance abusers themselves bc it is taught in their subconscious so they need a healthy example to follow
i am reading of the deep love u have for those kids....the wisdom you show at your young age is amazing, but you must have knowledge in your HEART, that YOU NEED THIS PROGRAM
and once in a while re: the meets, steps, etc., is not going to cut it
you have a choice......how important are you and the kids to you???? sure, they have gramma and grandpa, but they need their daddy......YOU need you.....and this program is free...and it works....read some of the posts here and you will see....
its time, i would say, to choose you and detach from her.......in alanon we dont' tell folks or advise folks what to do and i know i am pushing the envelope here, but i am a product of horrendous abuse b/c my parents were freaks.......1 a drunk.......the other a serial child offender whom the drunk aided and abbetted to get her booze....
I will be in recovery for life.....that is fact.........reading your post, she shows no interest in recovery, re-hab or anything to help herself, so there is nothing you can do....the only thing is to save yourself and those poor kids........she will have to learn her lessons and hopefully some day before she kills someone she will get help.......
I hope u can get custody of the kids...u have her accidents, DUI's and other offenses that are public record, b/c it appears to me she is dangerous so it should be pretty sure that you get the kids....
I feel soo sorry for them....I was a child of that.....for me it went on too long....i will be in recovery for life.......
take care and welcome to the board......your share was very brave, honest and sincere.....I know that must have been hard to "air that all out" but that is what we gotta do to work through it.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome and thank you for your share. You're in good company here. Before I became involved with my first A, I'd always had a certain image of how an A looked and acted. Now, many years and tears later, I've learned that this disease doesn't care about age, looks, race, gender or status. Your post shows incredible strength, wisdom and maturity, things you will be able to share with your children when they're ready.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress Thank you for sharing your painful truth I am sure you know that you are not alone. This dreadful disease of alcoholism negatively affects all who come in contact with it. We who live with it certainly need a program of recovery and I am glad you found us and are attending alanon
There is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel Please keep coming back and taking care of you.
Neshema2 brought up a fact about alcoholism which is what the chemical can and will do to and with an otherwise "moral" person. A person under the influence can and will do behaviors they would not normally do when not under the influence. Alcohol lowers barriers to otherwise unacceptable behaviors and then that becomes normal. Honestly I was one of the Tom, Dick, Harrys and of course Jerrys when I met her and we met while drinking as you and your wife did. Why I thought that life starts out new just because I am now involved is weird cause it doesn't...it just rolls on and now I am added to it. Keep coming back .
Welcome, I too have been in your shoes, a fruitless battle. I am living with the aftermath today. I have been separated for 5 years now. so much damage done. I would suggest lots of meetings, some tender, loving care of you and your kids. Your wife is the only one in charge of her life so leave her to it and concentrate on your young kids, they are the ones that really need you and will respond to a healthy Dad in recovery. Thank you for sharing.
You will recover, it takes time and commitment though. Its like your wife you need to really want it. My meeting has a young single Father too and although he is the only male the situations, experiences are the same in many ways. I look at my recovery, my meetings, today as important as going to the doctor for an on going serious illness. If I neglect my program I regress back to the hopeless, depressed, negative thinker I once was and can be at any minute really.
-- Edited by el-cee on Tuesday 29th of October 2013 01:24:08 PM
I applaud your courage and the actions you have taken, then realizing it was best to let the marriage go. Stay in recovery and you will see why you were led to the 12-steps. Keep coming back, it works if you work it and you are worth it. There is much wisdom on this board. (((hugs)))
So glad you are here. Cuddle those kids of yours close. Parenting is a very challenging part of life but you will do great. Take good care of you mentally, physically and emotionally so that you find recovery.
A child can only be raised once. Let it begin with me.
"COURAGE to change this things I can". check. Hugs to you, change is not easy.
I send much love and support on this journey for YOU in Al anon
to find "SERENITY to accept the things I can not change"
and find "the WISDOM to know the difference".
Keep coming back. It absolutely works if you work it. YOU are so worth it!
Thanks for all the replies everyone. I will go to more meetings, it really does help. I started eating better and sleeping better lately which is good.
Jerry, sometimes I can't really relate very closely to the alanon members in my county. They are all great people, but there arent that many young fathers with a spousal drinking problem, usually it's the other way around. I found it hard to relate my situation with other people and look for advice, even though everyone tries to help, it is hard to describe.
I feel discriminated against, most people (policemen, investigators, lawyers, judges etc...) don't stand up for a father, especially because I am younger.
Fortunately, because of her long history of insane behavior and documented addiction, I am able to prove she has a problem with drinking.
That's why I feel much older, I am trying to raise my children, keep my job and recover from almost 5 years of destruction and lies.
Taking care of yourself is the first step: going to meetings, eating better, etc. I live in Phoenix and attend meetings where about 30-40% of the attendees are men and many of them are early 30s. Can you find other meetings to check out to see if there are any men you can connect with?
Hope you do keep coming back, this forum is a wonderful place for support and love! Welcome to the boards!
Welcome to MIP! Thank you for your share and I'm glad you're here. Although my situation is with my exAH, what you describe resonates. It's good to expand your horizons with Alanon; also, the more exposure I have, the more similarities I see and the differences become smaller.
When I read your post, from beginning to end, all I could think about was "51". That was an entire e-mail from my wise old sponsor to me - a young father with two young kids and an alcoholic wife - after I had given him an eerily similar story about all the million and one reasons my ex-AW was so bad, etc.... So he simply replied "51".
I was totally lost, so I responded with "huh"?
He replied - "I am here to help you, and not her. You mentioned your wife 51 times in your last e-mail, and in the future I simply will not respond. I want to help you here, not her"
Wow.... I was amazed at his wisdom of the moment, as I certainly couldn't see it for myself, but he was sooooo right. My wife, like yours, was an alcoholic.... Yes, with that comes many bad behaviors, bad choices, bad everything.... I hope you are prepared to accept the wise words of my great old sponsor, and are ready to embark on a (rather stunning) journey of recovery - for you and your children (i.e. with or without your AW, and whether or not she chooses recovery for herself).
Your post finished with "The End", but I prefer to think of it as "the beginning".
I hope you keep coming back.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
