The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Oh Paula, thank you! I just printed this t take home for myself!! And I am doing all you said - diving into to all LOL but it is driving me crazy. Trying to take a break today and regroup because how I am doing it now isn't working.
And I can see how it could help in life if learned!!
I am trying and will get it, just hard for me right now. And he is feeling the pain of it :) Thanks again. This really helped.
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Friday 25th of October 2013 09:22:59 AM
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
I am doing pretty good with a lot of things, BUT the detaching part, holy cow.How in the heck did you all learn this?I can detach, but it is effecting my feelings big time, sex drive, everything. I am still reading my material, getting therapy and learning but how did you best learn how to detach form the disease and not the person?
I am a little let down on finding a meeting. After MUCH research I found ONE meeting on Wed at 7:30 in a safe area I think it is just a regular Al anon meeting it doesnt really say, it just says that AA is at the same time.No one will call me back so I will just go and see. I found one on a Sunday, I called, and they no long hold that meeting. I found one on Saturday, but I help my mom take care of her mom and dad (she cant do it alone) and that is 1.5 hours away.All the other regular meetings are during the day, the few at night are simply not areas I can go in alone it isnt worth my safety. And the others I found at night are for parents, just men and adult children?
I did find one on Thursday night it is labeled AFG (Al Anon family group) does anyone know what this is and is it a meeting that would help?
ARG I honestly sound like my A I cant find a meeting or I dont have timeLOL
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
AFG is alanon. So that is good. Just make time when you can. When you go to your first meeting, as some of the other folks there about other meetings they go to. There may me new meetings or some not listed yet that the people know of.
As far as detachment, yes it will cause some dramatic shifts in all other areas of your life and your relationship with the A. If the A is in their disease like 90 percent of the time, then you will be detached from them like 90 percent of the time. It's all relative. It's about how much the disease is progressed and how much you need to detach for your serenity. No matter what, keep moving forward even if it means you move on from the A (not saying this is going to happen, but if it does...it does). After you detach, you will be left with a choice of staying with the A and it willo be because you WANT to and not because you NEED to or are scared to leave. That sounds frightening, but it's actually empowering.
Detaching will come with more ease as you work your recovery, one day at a time. It seems to come in layers. For me there was first detachment 101 and it looked like furiously cleaning my house, reading a book, calling my sponsor, spending the night away, going to meetings, reading al anon literature despite feeling angry, sad, disappointed, blaming, etc...whatever I had to do to disengage. Now, detachment looks like doing many of those things in a space of less desperation, more calm, more peace, more ability to let individuals have their stuff (I don't pick up their garbage), increased ability to say "no" nicely, less need to control the outcome and so much more. And it happened gradually and is rarely 100%..there is still waffling at times, etc. When I wobble, I use HALT...am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Practicing the recovery tools, builds the muscle to detach....if I wanted to learn to play a piece on the the piano, I would practice, practice, practice. It would feel clumsy at first, then one day magic happens! Unless I would be a savant, it would be silly of me to expect I could just sit down and play a masterpiece You will get it with practice, if you truly work the steps. I use detachment "in all my affairs". I have had people ask me how I can say "no" so sweetly.
Hi, Wow you could be me. I just read your answer to Lizabelle and I understand where you are now. I was there too/ am still there. It seems like detaching is so cold. I know it is the right thing for me. I feel so much better when I am just living my own life.
But he is constantly dragging me into his. I don't want to be in his but, dang it, we are married, and I know that we should be closer than we are and when I get dragged into his world I lose my world. He takes sooooooo much attention. He neeeeeeds so much attention. And when he doesn't get it he turns it on me so I feel guilty because I am the one who has started to concentrate on me. Not him. And when I allow that to happen it is all my own fault. And then I am guilty again that I let myself down. Ugh.
So just keep the focus on yourself. Little by little it will become normal. Stay close to meetings because you will feel guilty and the meetings will help you keep the focus on you and not on him. Keep all the slogans in your head....let go and let God, Live and let live, how important is it, first things first.... they all helped me.
Thanks maryjane ! I know the feeling when they "need".
He works his side job Sat 5Am to 3PM (and always has) I said "I am going to see my best friend Sat and will be home by 4, get ready for our date night". He said: "Oh I see how it is"....., "Why am I not invited??? Ummmm, because I want to go see my friend and catch up....... and.......... you work? Then I said, "OH, are you not working Sat?" he said "YES I am working but it would have been nice to be invited and it seems you just want to get away from me and pain I have caused". Pitty potty - pitty potty
I just smiled and walked away................. he tried to keep making me feel bad so I turned the TV up, he got the hint fast and laid on my shoulder....... Is he a kid.. a pet?????? What is he at times LOL
Anyway.. I am sure it will become normal, hard to see now, I but I trust it will!!!! Thanks
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
You will get it with practice, if you truly work the steps. I use detachment "in all my affairs". I have had people ask me how I can say "no" so sweetly.