I honestly don't think I can understand. My husband drinks to relieve stress and handle the daily problems of just living. He drinks so he can feel manly and fit in with the other guys. My son does the same. They are both high energy, get at it guys and have little time for any quiet or reflective pursuits such as reading. I suspect they both have some form of ADD. So they think they can drink along with their friends but most of their friends do not need to drink on a daily basis. I don't think that I add to their fuel- they would and will drink whether I am here or not. Yes, life is easier when I ignore the drinking and just go along. And, should either of them ever raise a hand to me, they would be at the police station very quickly. They drink because they want/have to and I find myself detaching more and more as time goes on. But I guess my point is that they are going to drink regardless of whether I am here or not and so I refuse to be responsible for their choices.

I guess I can only do what I can do to work our program and let it help me make the changes I'm ready to make. Making changes that are right for me can also be a contributing factor in a family member's life and to their stress level. I guess that's on them. I tend more to look at what I'm doing to increase or to reduce the stress within me for me. I really don't have control over somebody else's stress level and tend to apply the 3cs to that, too. Being irritable and unreasonable, as Betty refers to, generally occurs in me when I'm missing one or all of the HALT suggestions. Much support being sent to you from here.

I understood the role I played in the vicious circle and I didn't want to do it anymore - the only thing I could change was me and once I stopped playing "my" part in the circle, our relationship was over. For me, the insanity had to stop, whatever means necessary I could not live like that anymore.

It makes sense in a way, but I dont think you make him drink Cause more stress. Maybe..I defiantly play a role in that part MY actions and reactions! Actions and words are so powerful, I knew this but never knew how much until I fell in love with an A.

I deal with a DRY Drunk (I dont like that word, but I use it).. I can make that DRY jerk come out so fast it isnt even funny and before I even know what happened. When I step back and take a look, I can clearly see when it is me awaking the beast. Not all the time, he can do this all o his own LOL BUT I without a doubt can do it too!!!! Make sense? I try to stop and think of my actions and wrong choice of words I am about to use, taking that extra min to think helps you feel better and everyone around you. And it works well.

Example: My A has been doing really well, in a great mood, lovable everything I was wanting back. Not sure why, but I am mad at him for being happy.. ARG I think it is because I am learning how to detach, a new to the program, stressed, resenting things he has done etc. And focusing on my recovering I have changed a little (temporarily). Starting this program has made me resentful towards him and awareness is not easy for me. And I am just mentally exhausted! I have been on an emotional roller coaster for 2 yrs as many of us have been.. and this new recovering thing has taken the rest of my brain cells LOL Because of all this I have not been treating him good and he would still stay calm and nice even though I was cold. Last night he had enough, said he was tired of trying and I continue to be cold no matter what he does and he shut down on me again. He wasnt mean just frustrated. Ya know what, I would too! He was trying and I didnt accept it.

I know I have to pull it together and stop this behavior, it isn't good for me, him or our relationship. And I am so mad at myself because had I done the right things and not let my bitterness rule me we would probably still be on a good streak. So today is another day. I am going to take a break from my reading and thoughts, go home and just try and fake it until I learn it is how is I put it. I am not sure what mood he will be in but I am going to make myself do better. Learning curves!!. We dont make anyone do anything but I feel our actions and words can make a difference.

Good luck and hang in there and dont be too hard on yourself

whether anyone agrees or not... that does not matter. How do you feel when you are reacting to him? How do you feel when you participate? How do you feel when you do these things that you say contribute to his stress? If the answer is not good than the solution is to stop. For me, I could not just stop doing these things anymore than the A could just stop doing what he did. That is why this program is amazing.. because miracles occur. I found a Higher Power, of my understanding, who could remove these characteristics that no longer served me, but made me feel horrible, left me with little self esteem. I have learned to accept powerlessness over people, places, things... I accept powerlessness over the removal of the defects... all I can do is be willing and ready and work the steps, my HP removes the defects in His time. My defects were my survival skills... living with alcoholism I acquired these coping mechanisms, like nagging, snooping, trying to control, playing the victim, playing the martyr, yelling, manipulating. I needed these coping skills just to live... but now they are just a hindrance to my happiness and my serenity and so now I ask for them to be removed from me so that I can experience peace and unconditional love of myself and God's children around me. Alcoholism is a family disease... everyone involved is affected... and, in my experience, we play our little roles with each other. Sometimes when we stop playing our part, the A stops playing theirs... and things can change. Prayers for your peace tonight... and hopefully those prayers find their way into my heart bc I need peace too.


Michelle