Do I open that can of worms? - Al-Anon Family Group

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Do I open that can of worms?

oldergal · Senior Member

They have a term for these kind of father's "dead beat". My xhusband was one. The money for support rightfully belongs to the children, food, clothing sports activity, it also takes some stress off of you when you know you will have enough money till the end of the month to keep warm, shelter and food. When I couldnt make ends meet to keep my kids and I afloat I applied for food stamps, and they in turn went after him, so I really only asked him once to give us money, but he refused. He quit his job and went out of state, so he now owes 57000. and it is an unforgivable debt and going up. Buying your son a car doesnt count in the eyes of the state as child support. Yes it will be a can of worms and I would see what kind of replys you get on this site and also look into it legally before you make a move. Keep practicing Al-anon it is a life saver.... in support OG

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((RP))) If you have a the proper documents, for a nominal fee the court probation department will do the legwork for you without your direct involvement with your ex. There was a time when I might have worried about how he would feel or when I might feel guilty, but those things aren't part of me working my program. I now give my ex the dignity of figuring things out for himself. Please take what you like and leave the rest.

In support.

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

Was my ex sited to pay child support? Yes

Is he paying what the courts set for him to pay? No

Do I have the right to seek court ordered support? Yes

The rest is a non issue, cars, retirement, state help etc. (In my humble opinion)

How do we say it here in Al-anon "keep it simple".

Just do the next right thing, contact those in charge of making sure the law is being handled. Period.

joker · Senior Member

I say contact the court and get an order for him to pay child support. Then seek the professionals involved to have it enforced, as its about the child. I had my ex take me to court and I pay child support for my two children and its enforced. Do I like it, no, but I know its for the kids. I had to put my dreams of going back to school on hold so I can work and pay for my children. I have only 5 years left for my son and 3 more years for my daughter as long as both are attending school. Once they quit school and are over 18 years, the support ends. So far, they are both attending school and I get up every day to go to wok, so that I can pay my child support! Do I like it, NO...but I do it, for them. I know its hard but you must think about the intrest of you child and do what you must do. It will be nasty in court, but do not give up. Take care and one step at a time!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all. I did not force this issue in the original divorce decree because I was working, and he was not at the time. My lawyer thought there was a chance that the judge would award spousal support, so I dropped my claim for child support. It is now a year and a half later, he still has no job...and does nothing to support his family....sad

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry RP, it is sad. I'm sorry you don't have the support from him that would be a normal expectation. When unfairness steps large in my life, I try to focus on my blessings and change the things that I can.

In support.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I hate it when situations hurt the kids. It does hurt them when their own parents do not support them.

I always went for it. I felt it was my responsibility as a parent to at lease play the game to show my kids i did all I could.

If it is not a big hassle or stress on you, I believe its important to do it.

He has already shown he will not pay. I know somewhere when they do not pay they have to go to bootcamp! they should be arrested.Disease or not, he has a child to care for.

Hugs hon, debilyn

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

He has no incentive to pay from inside. Maybe an outside incentive will help? Maybe he'll feel angry and victimized at first? That would be better than apathetic and self-pitying. Maybe nothing will come of it. Maybe something will? If there's no effort, there will always be the same result. Just my opinion.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry for all of this....if it were me , I would let the courts handle it, let him figure out how he can step up and own his responsibilities and keep working your program. Take good care

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.