The material presented
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friend and I R chatting and hes ALL distraught....I ask him "whats up" he tells me my sister is not doing well w/her cancer....
(this is the sister who abused me all my life----condemned me for name change and thus dumping the sire------didn't want me to have my share of inheritance due to name change----publically scorned me for detaching from family---would send me texts and when on my facebook, would do stuff to trigger me----stalking me w/texts and emails till i was able to figure out how to block her on the email...phone company i have to renew the block ea. 90 days or i get more communications from her and they are always a jab at me about something----)
I keep it brief with him, but reply to him that "she has good ins. and doctors, she will be ok" he says she will not...cancer has spread to liver, spine and bone........
.i did NOT say that she has been in "bad shape b4 and seemingly gets her miracle cure and is ok for a while"
but I DID say that she seems to have good care and should be ok, she has good hospital, etc....
I was trying to comfort HIM b/c he was soo upset and i was friend to him too when I lived in calif. and we used to have fun riding our horses together.....seems he is all shook up over her when he has terrible problems himself, health, finances,
so i tell him I will send up prayer for him and for her, for creator to give them peace and comfort
I honestly didn't know what to say bc i long ago detached from her and really she isn't anyone personal to me, like yes, we share same DNA, but so what??? we had never any relationship together unless u want to call her abusing me and condemning me, trying to sabotage my recovery, stalking me, triggering me and forcing me to block her in any and all ways that i can so she will just "GO AWAY" and leave me in peace as i leave her.....
so i didn't really know what to do but try to comfort him and reassure him that "she will probably be ok"......(in the past she has exagerated her condition and when miracle cure comes, everyone is all *jacked up* over her scare and in the meantime, during her being so bad off she is riding her horses and doing things she wants)
i didn't bring that up to him, i would never do that, but it was in the back of my mind....IF this is true, this time, and it DID spread to her liver, bone and spine, then yes, she is in bad shape and i did do a indian prayer for the sick for her tonight.....
I will not call her...i will not contact her.....i am gone.....but i did turn her over to creator
i didn't tell him any of this, just said to him that i would pray for her and pray for him to find peace in that he is such good friends with her.....i did promise him a prayer for him AND for her
his response was I am a "cold heart" he is "sick of me putting her down".....and he told me to "live in my coffin of peace adn comfort"
my reply was that i was sorry he hated me so bad and if it makes him feel better to take his anger out on me, its "ok" if it helps him, its "ok"
in a previous chat on phone when he asked me why i did not talk to her i told him she abused me and condemned me on facebook about being a family traitor for changing my name, and i was greedy to want my inheritance..that i should have forfeited my inheritance bc of the name change" I told him that I wished her well, but i could never in the interest of my recovery have her near me to jab me over and over and that i would never let her near me again......her torment and stalking me is over......il thought he understood this convo was back a few months ago.......i don't care if he understood,....he asked....i answered him
now this latest thing,
I guess the last convo simmered in his mind b/c now I am the "cold heart" and he is "sick of me putting her down" and he says "i am crying over this and u feel nothing" and he tells me to "live in my coffin in peace and comfort"
i just said to him i was sorry he felt that way about me, that i would pray for him and her anyway....and that i know my heart is not cold and my opinion is the one i am going to trust.....i also told him that i hoped his leg vein problem would get better and that his financial problems would improve, that i could relate w/my slow work........
i think what has me kinda upset, is the fact that i felt nothing when i heard this.....of COURSE i am not happy she is so bad, but it was like hearing about a neighbor i hardly know, hearing about this i had no feelings about it like it was not anything to do w/my personal life circle and not anything to do w/me and my loved ones.......its hard to explain, but i think i am upset that anyone could think i am cold when i gave her chance after chance to be sisters, only to regret it bc of her abuse to me.......i was very patient with her, but i finally accepted that "this is what she is" and "i can't change her or help her" and I GAVE UP......i just flat out GAVE UP......i don't feel anything ........no love.......no hate........sorry she is sick, will pray for her, but it aint really my business.....
to be honest?? i don't know if i ever loved this woman who treated me with such horrendous cruelty.......can't say i ever loved her..........love is a 2 way thing IMO......how can i love her or the mother or the father when my only memories of them were ones i am in recovery about?????
i hope creator gives her comfort, but really it isn't anything to do with me.....
called my sponsor and she kinda helped me understand me and this .....its like WOW...i just don't feel anything but "gee i am sorry your friend is so sick, i will pray for both of you to feel better" i was sincere about that, but i guess he wanted me to fall apart the way he is doing and i just cannot be phony about my feelings.....i cannot feign love if it is not there......i send out peace and love to the entire universe bc this world needs it so bad...all the hate and ugly things man does to man and the creatures.....i try to send out energy of peace and goodwill and i ask creator to teach man the lessons he needs to think of love not greed and peace, not war/attacking/abuse, etc.......
i just wanted to tell u all this......at some point in our lives, she just absolutely broke any bond that could have been there for us..........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Rose, you have a very warm heart. You sincerely wished them well without getting caught up in their sickness. And, to add, it isn't ok that he take his anger out on you if it makes him feel better. Sending love to ya sweetie.
-- Edited by PP on Monday 21st of October 2013 02:27:00 PM
i decided that i am going to leave our friend alone....hes on my facebook...not going to unfriend him bc he may need some help, but i will put limits on how much of his wrath i will put up with.....hopefully, he will feel better soon and things will be ok.........
we used to have a lot of fun together......i think for the time being, it makes sense to just leave him be....he will either come to his senses or he won't......its not in my circle i drew around my feet......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Taking care of ourselves sometimes come with a cost, doesn't it, Rose?
My siblings were angry with me a few years ago because I wouldn't agree to helping move my Dad from my brother's house into his home again - a home that was now moldy due to water damage and a need for a whole new drainage field my Dad wouldn't purchase - with two stories on an acre and a half of land - built on a hill with a long, asphalt driveway. It was their expectation that my father was to live there with uncontrolled diabetes, increasing dementia, high blood pressure, poor balance from a previous stroke, incontinence because that's where he was happiest. I was called controlling, manipulative, deceptive and all sorts of other things because I said I didn't believe that moving my Dad back into his home was a good option and suggested we call in a disinterested party who had experience with eldercare and then come up with a solution together that we could all live with as a family united in love for our Dad.
Ultimately, my no resulted in Dad's not being moved back to his home (some siblings worried I would call the State about elder abuse/neglect) and his car keys being taken from him which needed to happen after he was found in the dead of winter in his car on the wrong side of a highway where he'd been for two days. Following his hospitalization, he was moved into a very nice Assisted Living facility where he is liked and looked after 24/7, but several of my siblings still "can't stand me," because basically I don't follow the party line of unhealthy, alcoholic thinking. They thought I was heartless and cold because I didn't agree that "we should let Dad live where he's happiest." They have a right to their opinion. I'm powerless over it just like I'm powerless over their doing what they think they need to do in relationship to my Dad.
Validating how I think, how I feel, how I behave after program work, sharing with my sponsor or others working the program, and accepting that there is a cost to pay with folks who aren't seeing things as I see them sometimes - like you - affords me the most peace. I've also learned that allowing people to be themselves and moving away from them in my mind, heart and physical presence when we aren't a match is more loving than hanging around trying to think and feel the way the party line wants me to think and feel. I am no better or worse then the people I need to detach in love from at the time. We just aren't right for each other anymore. I want to live a simple, honest and drama free life. I think you do, too. Detaching from others gives us the freedom to enjoy our lives more with folks who are right for us.
Rose, you have a very warm heart. You sincerely wished them well without getting caught up in their sickness. And, to add, it isn't ok that he take his anger out on you if it makes you feel better. Sending love to ya sweetie.
Honest, Paula, I did wish them well....burned some sage and sent up comfort and peace prayers to creator........to me??? end of my job....poor "J"...i think he is enmeshed w/ sister "dearest" i wish he would adopt her, LOL......and yea, I will let him vent if it helps him, BUT...big limitations will be set......I will delete him if he gets too carried away.....i understand (well she must have treated him nice---one thing i never got from her) he feels like crap...losing his freind....but there is going to be limits on how many "passes" i will give him.........love back at ya my pretty friend....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
grateful said.......I've also learned that allowing people to be themselves and moving away from them in my mind, heart and physical presence when we aren't a match is more loving than hanging around trying to think and feel the way the party line wants me to think and feel. I am no better or worse then the people I need to detach in love from at the time. We just aren't right for each other anymore. I want to live a simple, honest and drama free life. I think you do, too. Detaching from others gives us the freedom to enjoy our lives more with folks who are right for us.
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your whole post was beautiful...so glad u did what you did re: your dad and you stood to your convictions......i really admire your gentle yet firm spirit.....and yes....i had to look at the sister and say to me "this is what she is....is it a match for me??? do i want this in my life???? is this a blessing to my recovery?????" the answers were a big "NO"......i so agree w/you about it being more loving to let go---detach--disconnect rather than to fight and try and change them into what I had "hope for" in the old days.....i no longer do that.....I assess is it a match??? ifnot , i am quietly walking away
my cuzins visit here was a lesson for me for which i give thanks.......talked it over w/my sponsor and she says i am spot on, in my deduction that
1---i am out growing this family who thinks they are "entitled" to treat a person any way tey want , even if it is a detriment to the recipient... 2---no longer do i sit and wait around for one who makes plans w/me and is still one hour late w/no phone call......now i leave...i find something to do.....i take care of me and i leave ...she can come back another day if she is on time 3----we both needed my handy man at the same time....my job was way shorter and i am the one short on money and handy man is cheaper.............she wanted ME to call the plumber so SHE could have the cheaper handy man..........I refused.......I told her "this time I got him first, i have leak that is damaging my property....i need him....he is coming here first...then your house......and i will NOT call a plumber when I have my handyman....U must wait.....her reaction was anger and resentment to me.......she will either get over it or not........i did what i had to do for me.........
in assessing this and working my steps and sponsor consultations, I realized something.........I am outgrowing this family, global dysfunction of their thinking they are entitled to keep you waiting....insult you if you don't go with the "party line" (love that saying, grateful) ....want to control me.....want to assess and analyze me and critique my recovery.......think they can keep me waiting for hours for engagements we plan.........think they can control me, manipulate me, use me........I realize that the only "match" i have left are 1 cousin, male......1 brother, male.........baby bro is just too far gone on his drugs.......i love the little guy, he is sweet soul....just waaay beyond my scope of expertise, AND i cannot change him.............other bro, is A, but he is a sweet soul, too, and he is considerate...warm....funny to talk withl....supportive of my recovery......in fact he is learning from the program through me ......my life is changing for the better INSIDE of me......
my choices of whom i want around me are changing....i have raised the price of admission to my heart.............its just that simple......i see some mis matches...i will still hang out w/her IF she is on time and IF it is convenient .....fact...boundaries are set....she is "ok" to kinda hang out with if i am available and it is convenient for me but thats is..
my sponsor when i told her i was out growing this family said "it is about time"....and we laughed......cuzin is "ok" if we happen to cross paths, have a laugh, eat some food but i will not again go out of my way for her......i will do what is fair but for ME TOO......
yea, i learned a lot of lessons on this last visit....it was meant to be.....me opening up my eyes...throwing away my "illusions" of what a family could be/ should be b/c it is NOT my DNA relatives......they are NOT a match for me (again stealing grateful's words) its just that simple.....they are not a match for me...........IF this new medicare insurance works out and i can get free membership to the 24 hr. fitness, i will meet other seniours and MAYBE, not holding my breath, but MAYBE i can meet other folks to do stuff with and be friends with.........I need a life.....i am ready for a life......NOT waiting around for relatives to "show up" and then if/when they do its bedtime and they go to sleep, wake up and leave.........what a visit, hey?????
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
grateful said.......I've also learned that allowing people to be themselves and moving away from them in my mind, heart and physical presence when we aren't a match is more loving than hanging around trying to think and feel the way the party line wants me to think and feel. I am no better or worse then the people I need to detach in love from at the time. We just aren't right for each other anymore. I want to live a simple, honest and drama free life. I think you do, too. Detaching from others gives us the freedom to enjoy our lives more with folks who are right for us.
I just want to say I love this what you said right here~I think a lot of the time they see us as selfish~when we start to think about our own needs, peace and serenity, they want us to feel guilty and play the game the old way. We just aren't right for each other any more. I want to live a simple, honest, drama free life. Amen to that! When you want that more than you want to please others and play the games, that's when you start to change :)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I just want to say I love this what you said right here~I think a lot of the time they see us as selfish~when we start to think about our own needs, peace and serenity, they want us to feel guilty and play the game the old way. We just aren't right for each other any more. I want to live a simple, honest, drama free life. Amen to that! When you want that more than you want to please others and play the games, that's when you start to change :)
hey Karma, yea, I am growing away and up....growing into health and REAL relationships......i have this cousin who hates me, but every year wants email birthday acknowledgements.....I told her this wold be my last letter b/c I am not wanting to "do this anymore" I wished her well...a happy b-day....good will.....and w/out saying it i said i have decided to go my own way, to experience life in my own way, my own separte path.........she hates my guts., so why this phoniness??why the charade??? I can't do this....i can't be a phony and pay attention to someone who really can't stand me.....so what we are cousins??? so what??? i have things to do on her b-day weekend and don't want to bother...so i sent her early b-day wish and basically thanked her for the season we had together some years ago and said i wanted to remember the fun we had as kids.......we just are NOT a match....simple as that
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
(((Neshema))) You just keep on program pluggin' and progressing. I see you moving out of relationships that take too much time and energy for you. Releases you to enjoy more of the folks you feel safe and cared about with now, doesn't it? I'm happy for you. You deserve a life filled with joy and peace and loving interdependence.
(((Neshema))) You just keep on program pluggin' and progressing. I see you moving out of relationships that take too much time and energy for you. Releases you to enjoy more of the folks you feel safe and cared about with now, doesn't it? I'm happy for you. You deserve a life filled with joy and peace and loving interdependence.
((((G))))) yep...i am a chuggin along, lol....and yea, if relationship sucks the energy from me w/no good bennies, i am peacefully walkin away....i love what u said about "if it is not a match then we need to lovingly detach" not your exact words but that post u wrote under mine, was soo SPOT on...
gonna meet w/my humana rep tomorrow....on the 1st of the year, I will have a "place to play" at the 24 hr. fitness club...prem is only $13 per mo....now WHERE can i go play for less AND meet other seniours??? i did a diet study, what foods are on my menu...cutting out the NON menu stuff.....nourishing foods, not expensive, and saving money...
i am doing big budget overhaul b/c my SS check will be 23 less w/ prem. and fitness club taken out.....i can make that up easy.....my club and my recreation is my treat to me to help me stay in shape and network w/other folks, maybe i can find some PT work here adn there....
OR talk to staff and see if they want someone to give swim instructions to the old folks who cannot swim......just some thoughts.......yep....no waiting around for anyone who cares not for me....got my place to go as of the 1st.....in the meantime??? i will just go one day at a time....do my best and make good karma....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Neshema, I would say that you have grown immensely in how you relate to others and refuse to let how they think affect you. I have a sister that is toxic for me. She always has been and always will be. I don't hate her. I don't love her. I am totally uninterested in her, do not wish her ill but also feel no obligation to try to solve her messes. Just because we share a blood relationship does not mean that we need to like each other. And when other siblings try to guilt me into joining up with her on her rare trips home, I just politely decline and tell them to have fun. You can only be made to feel guilty if you allow yourself to be and self preservation is not being selfish, it is vital to your well being.
Neshema, I would say that you have grown immensely in how you relate to others and refuse to let how they think affect you. I have a sister that is toxic for me. She always has been and always will be. I don't hate her. I don't love her. I am totally uninterested in her, do not wish her ill but also feel no obligation to try to solve her messes. Just because we share a blood relationship does not mean that we need to like each other. And when other siblings try to guilt me into joining up with her on her rare trips home, I just politely decline and tell them to have fun. You can only be made to feel guilty if you allow yourself to be and self preservation is not being selfish, it is vital to your well being.
thank you Deacon for this beautiful share.....yes, we can share DNA, but love is a thing cultivated with time and sweet memories, yes, some sour, but the ones in the relationship have to feel more blessed then "sucked dry" and that is what a toxic person does...ohh the relief when i walk away from one who sucks the life out of me...i bless her....wish her well....will pray for her, but like you i am totally uninterested in her........and i am "OK" with me....I am glad that you are "OK" with you b/c u r soo spot on......self preservation is not being selfish, it is vital to my well being too........thank you, my good recovery mate for reminding me that this is a "save my own butt" program and if i don't save me, noone else will...creator expects me to do the things i can and release to the universe the things i cannot..........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you for writing this. <3 Thank you for being an example on how to detach and not let people get to you and trusting your own gut. I hope that I can be like you one day.
