more crazy making - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

more crazy making

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Tonight my Mom called to let me know that my Dad is in the hospital from another stroke. I thanked her for the information and asked if she needed anything and she said no and we said good bye.

I called my Dad in the intensive care unit and, thankfully, he is going to be ok. My Mom had put a moratorium on my visiting them (I don't know why) so I told my Dad how much I loved him and how glad I was that he is feeling better. I told him I would visit but would continue to respect Mom's wishes and asked if he agreed and he did. I told him I'd call every day until he is discharged home and he said he would like that very much and we said good night.

Mom called back making a big deal of Dad's room number. With a soft voice and from a caring place, I told her that I continue to respect her wishes and will not be visiting, but again appreciated her calling to let me know. She then asked me what I was talking about and I said that my Dad and his brother told me that- for whatever reason- my contact was bothering her to the point where she requested that I stop. Mom said that she can't address what other people told me but also she could not deny or confirm if it were true. So, I said that I didn't know what happened, or where there could be a miscommunication, but is communication something that she wants?

She couldn't say yes or no; she said she was too old and sick to discuss it at the moment, but if I want a relationship, I can pursue that by calling her and she would give it some thought. She said that she wasn't even sure that she wants to discuss it.

I told her that I have no need to have a discussion- all that is really important is whether she would like to have a relationship where I can contact her and Dad or not. I would respect her wishes whatever they are and that is something that she can let me know- she can contact me at anytime and in the meantime, I told her that I'm sorry she's hurting but am clueless why and it seems that she feels I'm the cause of it and I'm sorry for that- I would not want her to hurt and not want any hurt to come from me. I told her that I hope she could accept that but will stay away unless I hear from her differently.

She clearly wants me to stay away but doesn't want to admit that a lack of relationship is initiated from her. She seems to be looking to initiate it, perpetuate it, and then blame it on me.

My Mom has a long standing history of being manipulative, loosing touch with reality and a lack of coping skills, and in addition, now she has advanced Parkinson's and had been showing signs of dementia for a long time prior to this happening. My Dad and uncle could not provide a reason why she didn't want a relationship and didn't want me to have one with my Dad either other than it was her wish. No one wanted to ask because they didn't want to deal with my Mom's well-practiced tantrums.

I guess she thought that she could do this and still smell like a rose. My Dad and I know the truth and he knows that I love him and send him prayers daily. One day, she may convince him, in his frailty, otherwise.

I suppose I've come to accept the situation, offer love whether it is accepted or not, and hold a boundary by not jumping beyond my means to please the un-pleasable. I know Mom is insecure, angry, and despises herself- I am no longer volunteering as her whipping post as she vents her anger and blame. I love my Dad so much and wish that I could be with him.

I'm so grateful for my Alanon family, who understands, who cares, who does not judge me mercilessly... freely giving support and warmth.

Thank you for listening and for being here.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Dear Bud)))

I am so sorry to read about the sudden illness in your family. It is great that Dad is doing well and expected to recover. Thank You HP. You handled your call to Dad with such care, love and understanding your devotion to him touched my heart and was beautiful read. Your call with mom was also handled with empathy and respect while validating yourself and maintaining your boundaries .

Your program really carried the day. Cong rats. You are a Miracle in Progress

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, your AlAnon family does understand and we do care. We also do not judge. You are doing fantastic. It must have been a hard few hours for you. At least you know your dad is ok and your mom is the same. Take care of yourself. That is all we can do. I like and echo what g2b says, "the reason why doesn't really matter. It just is."

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Old and ill...Been there and done that and am grateful that the program was there for my wife and I and all in the group. Lots of stuff to actively let go and not give power to. My Mom also had parkinsons along with a short list of other age related illnesses and so what we did was just keep everything simple while using understanding and unconditional love, acceptance and kindness. Program makes stuff like this so much easier to handle and also we find the willingness to use HP's will very workable too. Easy Does It Bud....(((((hugs))))) smile

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry Bud. There are areas in my life right now where I need to extend the grace and tenderness you have extended to your mom and dad. Thank you helping me gently ease into my day.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Many thanks everyone for the encouraging, caring, and loving feedback- all of which helps me keep moving one foot in front of the other. I'm grateful.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Bud when people are sick they are not thinking normally.

I do have a regret. My dad had emphesema. He said he did not want me to visit him. Which was totally out of character. I didn't realize how sick he was. Now I wish I had ignored the bs and gone to see him.

What right does mom have to stop you from seeing your dad?

I never saw my Daddy again. I called him a couple months later.... noone bothered to tell me he had died. awful stuff.

sending you hugs, and remember honey, we cannot rationalize insanity. Mom is not thinking straight. love,debilyn

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Debilyn! I appreciate your caring and reframe and would love to be able to feel that I have a right to visit. I'd rather not feel victimized. I don't know how to just go and show up. Mom will have a tantrum. Dad is frail and may suffer from the drama.

I feel outnumbered and unsupported; my Mom is hard on my Dad when he is in touch with me. My Dad is too frail to handle her anymore and is afraid of her. My Uncle is care taking my Dad- and both Uncle and Dad have asked me to not visit because Mom told them that I say horrible things to her and she doesn't want a relationship with me ever again. Uncle is arrogant and controlling; I never catered to it, so I am "worthless" in his eyes. Mom apparently thought that I'd run after her begging and begging to do whatever it would take to be in her life no matter how abusively she treats me. Using Alanon tools, I will not accept carrying her anger; it is hers and hers alone.

This morning she called me to let me know that Dad was ok. I thanked her and we said good bye. The nurses told me he was ok last night; I guess that my Mom waited to tell me in hope that I'd be up all night worrying for no reason. Really twisted.

I will unlikely be notified when his time comes to pass. ((((Debilyn))) I treat each conversation with him as if it were the last.

I am not happy at the thought of not seeing my Dad, so I'm certainly open to suggestions or another perspective that will also keep me and my Dad safe.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Bud, what a beautiful display of working your program.....so sorry about dad.....sending you blessings and peace......

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Many thanks Neshema!

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

What a lovely example of using program to navigate through difficult times when our loved ones are ill, ailing, disabled and plain out sick.

Your father has been blessed with your call and will continue to reap the benefits of his daughter being caring, loving and accepting even when the mother puts manipulative actions in place.

Sad for her to not realize what a loving daughter you are and how any parent would be grateful to call you their own.

Keep being you, you're a blessing in disguise for all to observe. Bravo.

-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 27th of October 2013 07:15:10 PM

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