The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A hard truth for those of us who started AlAnon "for him" is that in taking care of ourselves we actually pull away from him. At least that is what happened with me. I started, or continued, doing things with the kids whether or not he could be with us. It turned out we liked it better when he wasn't there. I would be polite and invite him along, hoping all the time that he would say he didn't want to go. Then I started a calendar that I wrote EVERYTHING on...doctors appts., dates with friends, camping, trips, family parties.... if I was going to be out of the house for an occasion (not just to the store for shopping), I would put it on the calendar. Then I put the ball in his court. If he was interested he had to read the calendar. If not, well, he wouldn't know where I was. It was much easier for me and I didn't continually have to ask (or he would say, nag).
Yes, you will grow apart. If he cares, he will do something about it. If not, well, you will know what he thinks.
And this is none of my business, but when you wrote about the therapist saying "we will use alcohol responsibly....." I had to laugh. To an alcoholic being responsible is making sure the glass doesn't get empty. To a non-alcoholic, they don't need it in the first place especially when it is causing problems they need it even less.
Now get out there and do the stuff you like to do.
-- Edited by maryjane on Sunday 20th of October 2013 08:07:16 PM
Things have been going ok with my AH. I made a previous post about how I was worried that he slept so much, then figured out I was bored. This is still an issue with us. For the past 3 weekends all he's done is sleep 'til noon or one, then watch Nascar, then fall asleep watching the race and not wake up again until 8 or 9. I tried talking to him about it, but he seemed sort of out of it, so I'm not sure he understood. He did say 'I think you're getting tired of the things I'm not doing.' I think he's right. This is where things get tangled and messed up. He has been doing a lot to try and change - drinking less (therapist helped us set the boundary of 'We will each use alcohol responsibly, and each of us will speak up if/when we're worried about the other), coming with me to therapy, being more responsible. It's a long road and I've been trying to be patient and supportive, and work on my own issues. I just don't think it's enough.
I don't remember the last time he made plans for us. I know he's got a lot to work on, it just seems I'm always bringing up more and more things I'm unhappy about. I feel like a nag, and that I always know what is best or how something should be done. I also know that I'm responsible for my own happiness, and my own life, and if I'm bored I should go out and do my own stuff. Which I am. I'm actually going out to dinner with a friend later. I'm just afraid that he's fine with this day-to-day mediocrity. He used to be so active (out bike riding, canoeing, or just futzing around town). Now he just sleeps all weekend. It sucks. I know I should be grateful that I don't have the horrors that I've read about in other posts (my heart breaks for each and every one of you - I can't even begin to imagine). It's just hard being unfulfilled.
In the disease of enabling Spider you are talking about your addiction...compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body (boredom and other focus)...I am constantly told to take it to my meetings and to my sponsor...someone other than just myself to come to solution because I have admitted I am powerless and that my life becomes unmanagable when I attempt to power and control outcomes. Great slogan for me is always Let Go and Let God which I was using just an hour ago because everyone in the world including the guests at the hotel my wife works at wasn't doing what I thought they should be doing. I mean it was only around 40 - 50 people why can't they just get it?!! lol (((((hugs))))) Keep coming back
Yeah, I'm not happy with 'solution' the therapist came up with, but it's a boundary I can live with. Especially since (I must remember) it doesn't matter what I do. He will drink as he sees fit - it is beyond my control.
It's so freaking hard to communicate to him my needs without coming across as crazy, co-dependent lady. I try and express things that upset me: 'You've slept all weekend for the past 3 weekends. I even had a conversation with you at one point that you don't remember at all. How can I not believe that you were too drunk/stoned to remember? I can't trust that you were 'just tired' because you've lied to me so many times.' And he says, 'I can't do anything right. Just tell me what to do. I'm so confused by all of this, and I thought that we were doing ok (we actually were, before this weekend). I feel like I'm living with my mother, and nothing is ever good enough for you. You're not giving me the chance to prove that I've changed.'
This is the hardest thing I've ever done. 2013 has been a beast of a year.
Hi, You are between a rock and a hard place. It is hard to move yourself out of that place. Something WILL work for you.
I remember the "I'm tired!" stuff. And he truly was tired. I would have been tired with all that unnatural chemical (whiskey for him) in me too. So, technically, he is being truthful, and that is what he is going to say to you. Technically he was truly tired. But, darn it, he wouldn't be so tired if he didn't have the chemicals. Enough about him.....
Make a plan to do stuff without him. Make a plan to not be bored. Let him do what he wants to do. You need, NEED, NEED to do what you want to do. Start with baby steps. Find a little thing that means something to you. Then do it.
When I did my 4th step in AlAnon where I find stuff in myself to change....... my main complaint about myself was that I let it happen. I didn't step in and take care of myself no matter what he did. I let it happen (for lots of reasons of love and commitment). So I really reach out to you in saying "take care of yourself!"
I have heard this over and over from my A. he isnt drinking but is a dry drunk and doing nothing about I right now. He works hard but has lost a lot of, ambition as well.
This is him all the way:, 'I can't do anything right. Just tell me what to do. I'm so confused by all of this, and I thought that we were doing ok. I feel like I'm living with my mother, and nothing is ever good enough for you. You're not giving me the chance to prove that I've changed.'
I am not sure how much he is or is not drinking but if he cut back recently and it sound more like dry drunk is taking over.
I am a little shock a therapist gave a boundary like that about drinking to an A????????? But like you said, if it works for you guys. Take care. If he is dealing with dry drunk and you have not dealt with it much, please bring that up to your therapist and learn as much as you can!!!
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Your post reinforces what I was taught throughout my Al-Anon experience...
1. Marriage counselling, when one is an active alcoholic/addict, is seldom of value
2. IF you still choose to go to counselling, please be sure that your counselor is trained in substance abuse.
From what you have shared, I would guess that your therapist either has NO training in substance abuse, or he/she doesn't recognize or understand that your husband is an A.
Just my two cents
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
For sure TOM!!! . IF you still choose to go to counseling, please be sure that your counselor is trained in substance abuse. Therapy helps us but it wasn't until we found a trained in substance abuse one!!!! It was almost pointless going to a different kind. They must understand the illness, and to me the other was giving us bad advise (because they didn't fully understand) at least that is my belief and experience! They are out there, it took me time but I found one that covers all and what a difference!
Good advise.
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Tuesday 22nd of October 2013 06:35:07 AM
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
