The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here, although I have checked out the site and topics many of times before. My boyrfriend is 62 days sober and clean today! I have to say I lost hope for a really long time...we have been together since August 15 2012. We were both students at Southern Illinois University and we met as neighbors. He is from northern IL and I am from southern IL. Our relationship started out FANTASTIC. I didn't think a relationship could be any more perfect, and it's safe to say that I deserved a good man after the past cheating fools. Growing up down here in southern IL in a very small town I never was exposed to hard drugs. Yes I had my fair share of bon fires, kegs, and pot in highschool. Other than that no one in my group of friends or family had a problem with drugs. With that, it is safe to say I wouldn't recongize the signs or symptoms of drug use. I certainly didn't with my boyfriend. I did find out about 8 months into our relationship he was taking pain killers that were not prescribed to him. I did not know how many, how often, how much money he was spending...nothing besides his behavior was embarressing and I didn't want to go anywhere with him in public. I mean who want's to go out and consistently babysit their boyfriend? I shouldn't have to do that. Everytime I would try to discuss his use of pain killers he always made an excuse that always made sense. Im just tired, I didn't sleep lastnight, I don't feel good, It's been a long day, I just smoked some pot...I accepted his excuses and ignored the situation. On the weekend of his graduation his mother, brothers, and friends from home came down to southern IL for the weekend. Graduation is supposed to be a celebration a time to enjoy and catch up with everyone. Graduation weekend was a NIGHTMARE! Long story short, my boyfriends mother brought to my attention of his past drug use, and how concerned she was with him using again. I told her everything I knew (which wasn't much) and I can tell you I felt like an IDOIT for not noticing all the signs. Was I just that ignorant? That's how I felt anyway when she told me that she believed he had been using herion. IT BLEW MY MIND! I thought she was crazy. I confronted my boyfriend, and by the way this same exact day was the day we were moving in together. He told me his mother was just over reacting, he isn't using herion, he promises to be better, blamed it on his friends that came down (they are also drug users). I heard it all, and BELIEVED IT! This past summer had to be the worst. I was taking a full load of classes, and just started a GREAT internship, at the same time going in circles with the man I love and his drug addiction. The truth came out eventually, I found needles, baggies, cookers, everything. Plenty of times. I can't even begin to explain how angry, upset, confused, and stupid I felt for finding out so late, having no idea what herion even was, finding all the "materials", listening to him straight up LIE to me in front of my face, steal hundreds of dollars from me, and it continuing to happen over and over and over. It was a never ending circle. First my reactions were to shut down and not say anything...just go hide and cry to myself. Then I started crying to him..then I started getting angry, and then we started fighting and yelling at one another, then we both shut down again, and finally I had so much rage and anger I broke the lamp, the fan, and the mirror in our bedroom. I threatened to leave him multiple times, I hid all of this disaster from everyone in my life. It seemed even worse to admit my perfect boyfriend was a drug addict to all my friends and family. He went to rehab over the summer, came home, used his suboxone as a crutch, continued the same ol routine. I can honestly say I was entirely distraught. Still I couldn't leave. I did so much research looking for answers, trying to understand him, why is this happening, does he really want to live this way, DO I WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY. I was reading other's stories and outcomes just searching for an end to my story. One night while I was at work, my boyfriend drove 45 mins from home to meet up with someone, got pulled over and arrested! I came home and he was gone, he finally called me and was crying on the phone, still making up excuses to why he got pulled over. I knew better than his story. I knew inside what happened and honestly I was happy it happened. He wanted me to come bail him out and I said absolutly not you better just sit tight buddy your gonna be there for a while. He was there for 7 days before being let out without bail and he went straight to rehab and spent 17 days there, which before he left he recieved the vivitrol shot. It really has been a miracle. He has been consistently postive and happy (which is unusal) He is going to outpatient 3 times a week, seeing his therapist once a week, finally got a job that he really enjoys, and has been clean since. It is safe to say I can NOW tell in his voice over the phone if he has used or not. through out all of this disaster I have became very educated on drug abuse, I can now see the signs and symptoms, nothing gets past me anymore! I would have to say I think he really did some thinking while in jail and finally hit rock bottom. Our relationship has become so much better, we communicate better than we ever have, and it finally seems normal. I eventually told my mother, and she was very supportive which was a relief. I somehow managed to keep up on school and work throughout the summer and made the Deans list for the very first time! It really was heartbreaking and a complete disaster. One of the hardest things I have had to go through so far in my life. My story did end with it all being worth sticking it out. This is only a summary of the things I have been through in the past 6 months. The reason I am creating this thread is because I am currently writing a paper for one of my classes on drug addiction. It starts out with a short introduction to my story, leads into stereotypes on drug addicts and why it's hard for some to admit their problem, the paper covers a wide range of topics relating to drug addiction. One part of the paper requires us to do surveys or interviews, and so I was wondering if anyone would be able to help me out and give me some insight on some of the sources you turned to in order to try to understand what was happening to your loved one. For example, I researched alot on the internet, I watched T.V. shows that related to the situation (Intervention) (drugs Inc.), I spoke with my boyfriends mother, and my therapist. Im interested to see if anyone else did the same at the begining of your situation. Names will not be exposed, this is only an independent research of my own, and I want to see the common phases of the reality in drug addiction from those like me who have a loved one who is or has been an addicited patient. Feel free to tell me anything you would like to tell in regards to your own struggle and road you have been down. I am very interested and look forward to hearing your experience in seeking out an anwser!
-- Edited by JenRae23 on Friday 18th of October 2013 11:31:56 AM
Hi Jen
I cant speak for anyone else on this forum but I don't have experience of addiction to drugs, only addiction to alcohol which may have some similarities but also certain unique features that don't relate. Sorry, I cant help you.
I'm looking for those who have experienced being in love with an addiction. I do not have one myself, the person I fell in love with has been addicted to drugs and I was completely naive to most of it. I curious to see if anyone has experienced my similar situation and handling it. Thanks for the reply! If you found this helpful feel free to speak!
I don't think any one of us are in love with the addiction (disease) we love the person behind it. We also all are in similar situations and we come here to seek help for US......not the addict.
As you read our posts you will find Al-anon mentioned quite often. It's a fellowship helping the families of alcoholics and yes how to handle it. To give us the courage, peace and serenity we seek to change.
What I can say I don't think what you have experienced is the norm around here. Some us will/can live a lifetime with this disease.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My understanding is you posted to find out and research why your boyfriend is in love with addiction.
You are not here for yourself is my understanding.
Alanon is for the spouses, family, girlfriends of the addicted. When they have an addiciton we get addicted to the addict and get obsessive on how to stop them. We try to control the disease and it becomes a full time job.
Does any of that sound familiar. I would re read your post to see if it does.
We cannot help but be affected by another person that we are close too, when they have addiction problems.
I think it's common for a lot of families and friends of addicts and alcoholics to start off trying to research the disease and figure out how we can conquer it, not realizing that we have absolutely no control over it whatsoever. Even the addict in his or her own body has no control of the disease, so how can we friends and family outside of the addict's body think that somehow we can conquer it for them?
I learned I could research the disease until I was the be-all end-all expert on it, it still would not cure it for the person, and my extensive knowledge of the physics and psychological texts of it would still not help my own deep spiritual and emotional insecurities that continued to convince me that if I knew enough, cared enough, whined enough, badgered enough, threatened enough or manipulated enough that it would remove the disease from my loved one.
I learned that alcoholism and addiction are spiritual diseases and I've been equally affected myself as I had to come to some true spiritual realizations for myself to finally learn to let go of trying to fix what was not mine to fix.
This journey has led me down new philosophical paths that I never contemplated in the past and I have had to spend a lot of time un-learning old habits and thought-patterns in order to slowly detach myself from the insanity of the disease.
Hope this helps. And good luck on your paper.
I'd suggest attending some open Al-Anon meetings (be sure to let them know your purpose of being there is for research), as well as open AA, NA and Nar-Anon meetings for more insight for your paper.
Ok..I apologize if my main post or first reply was unclear. I noticed a few words spelt wrong that could def. trigger some confusion. Not in love with an addiction, I meant in love with an addict. My boyfriend is the Addict. I am the family/friend who his addiction has also hurt. I am a loved one who has been effected from the disease. Even though my boyfriend has been 2 months sober I still went through a lot of emotional phases. I went through trying to control and fix this. I tried to find personal identity in my overall situation. Educating myself like I was in med school was one why I tried to find an answer. It took a long time to accept I couldn't fix, control, and solve his addiction. That was on him and it certainly is a spiritual healing. It also took me along time to accept that I was a codependent. My entire life revolved around his life. I was constantly trying to please him, make him happy, take care of him. I was literally unable to express my own needs and speak out of fear. Honestly I was very scared. My needs an happiness were always secondary. I was there to..I'm at the right place finding people who were in my shoes. I'm just like all of you. I apologize for the confusion...I'm just looking for more voices, like I said I'm new here.
I'm also still healing from this destruction and toll it put on our relationship. Still asking questions, how will I ever trust again? Is him being sober only temporary? I am still healing
Welcome to MIP ;)
We are glad you are here you have come to the right place :)
One day at a time
Thank you for sharing
Please keep coming back
In support
M
first of all in order for healing to begin the focus has to be taken off of him. He is 60 days recovered, so he is doing what he should be doing.
I encourage you to attend a face to face Alanon meeting in your area, that will be the first step of your healing and recovery.
Its more important to trust yourself and live in the solution. He may drink again or he may not. Your serenity does not depend on him whether he is drinking or not.
