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the exA called my 11yo son wednesday...and made plans for the weekend...unbeknownst to me, the ex's sister bought the kids tix to a haunted hayride. The 17 yo changed his mind, and decided he did not want to go, and texted the ex thurs eve. I get a call this morning...the exA is all ticked off that the 17yo is not "honoring his commitment" and reniging on his agreement to go there this weekend. The exA asked me to "back him up" and tell the 17 yo he had to go to his Dad's.
I told him that I had been talking to him about weekends, and that the two of them needed to talk about how they can spend time together, given that weekends, the son wants to spend time with his friends (not his drunk father in the basement of his sister's house). Could they get together during the week? go to a movie? etc. etc.
The exA says.."all he does is avoid me" -- duh. The exA got really ticked that I wouldn't take his side on this one, and screamed and yelled and then hung up on me. Great way to start my work day.
It's not my job to manage their relationship, but it is my job to support my son and help guide him...and I cannot fault him for not wanting to spend time with his angry, drunken dad.
I just pray that the ex won't get violent with my kid...he is really really angry.
thanks for letting me get this out there. any esh is appreciated,
A. All 17 year olds avoid their parents
B. I bet your son avoids you too.
C. Your ex could call him and express disappointment without screaming or putting any of it on you.
D. Your son could express his feelings in a letter or verbally without involving you.
E. You are right and it's consequences of being a drunk and having your wife divorce you. Oh well.
I guess the only concern I have is the "avoidance" issue. While it is true that most teens avoid their parents to a degree. Parents counter by teaching the respectful art of ducking out of things, rescheduling, or simply knowing when it's not appropriate to cancel committments. Your son has never learned (at least not from a man) how to respect another man's feelings, how to express them, and he still has a crappy role model for that. So...yep...once again that falls on you I guess. You don't want him to be a thoughtless, self-centered person because that's what is being modeled for him.
Im in a similar situation but my solution has been to have no contact with the A whatsoever so his relationship with our kids has nothing to do with me. In fact, my kids don't really talk about their dad anymore, they don't discuss any plans with me either so in the one hand its good because there are no expectations on me about their relationship or any plans. I take the view that your sons feelings towards his Dad are to some extent none of your business and at 17 thats pretty much all about his Dad rather than on you to teach him to be respectful.
I think your job is to set an example and that's about it. So for me, I try not to say anything bad or judgmental (very difficult) and let my 16yr old make up his own mind. I mean if we find the A's behaviour unacceptable then of course his son is going to feel that way too. It is not your job to rescue the A's relationship with his son. It is about consequences - if you've been a crap parent then the proper consequences tend to come and so convincing your son he should have a relationship with this man is like asking him to deny the facts and his own feelings.
Its is such a difficult situation but I think that we can only lead by example at this stage - I dont feel I have the right to force my son to have a relationship with his Dad - its all on the A to work and fight for a relationship if thats what he really wants, in many cases the kids are used to manipulate the Mother in some way. It's convenient for him to look to you to blame for his sons response. Again, its this avoidance of the truth and reality.
I decided a while back that I would not take on any more of his responsibilities and that includes the effort that would be required for him to rebuild his relationships. Thanks for sharing.x
I have a little problem too but in a different way. My son is the A and he doesn't have a good relationship with his dad. It's sort of OK he's there. I'm the one that hears what is happening in my son's life. I pass it on to his dad and yes he thanks me for it....but I feel bad my AS doesn't tell his dad whats going on...just me. I have quit letting his dad know what's happening because I'm getting in the middle and in the end both will probably resent me for it. They have to work it out...not me. Make any sense? I don't know.
I do know his dad is kind of resentful because of it...no I don't want that but I just have to ask HP to take care it.
I pray things will work out OK for your son and his father.
Take care
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I did this too Cathy but then I realized that I was getting the blame for not telling or telling about things. Its a lose lose situation and it is part of the madness. They are separate people with a separate relationship and I take nothing to do with it anymore. Much better that way. When something happens I dont let my ex know anything because thats his job to have the relationship where he will know whats going on in their lives, its enabling to a certain extent I think.x
My kids always wanted to spend time with their Dad so I never had that problem. I do know that if they had said they didn't want to see him - unless it was due to fear or something going on that was harmful to them - I would have told them they had made a commitment and it was their job to honor it. If they refused to go, I probably would have figured they knew something they didn't want me to know for whatever reasons they had, and okayed it as well as "face the bear" in him.
What is interesting to me is how all of us have a different take on the same issue? When it comes to family doings, I just don't think we can agree on any one approach? With alcoholism, there are so many things that come into play. Maybe this is one of those things where we seek guidance and then do the best we can with the knowledge we have at hand, trusting the outcome? When we have new facts and new knowledge, we can then make new choices and trust the outcome again if we've done all we can to check our motives, consider others, ask for guidance and clarity and act on what we think is the next right action step to take? With parenting, the only hard and fast thing I've learned and know to be true is that I love my kids and do want to always do my best by them. The how of it is usually a mystery to me.
