((IWTB))

Glad you're here and asking questions. We didn't come to the place we've arrived at overnight and we have the rest of our journey to practice where we would like to be. Progress, not perfection, one day at a time.

You can't control what he will or won't do; if he drinks when you're out together or alone- he'll do what ever he's going to do. Manipulation is part of the disease. You can control what you that keep you comfortable, safe, and sane. What firm boundaries would protect you will help detach you from his attempts to manipulate?

In support

Ya, this is the hard part for me. One NO ONE but my best friend of 36 yrs knows about this and his problem. I just chose not to tell anyone especially my family. It would be so much easier if they all knew.. but I learned in the past, they hard way and have seen others, it is best to keep your affairs to yourself!!!!! He tells them no thank you but some pull the oh come just have one crap and that peeves me off, I know they dont know but if someone says no NO means NO! He handles it way better than I do LOL I even got upset with a waitress at Apple Bees a few weeks ago because she wouldnt shut up about the drink specials. WE said no thank you, ordered our soda and water and she still kept trying to push them. I finally said listen, if we were interested in alcohol we would have ordered one, I think she got the point. He just laughed, but that eerks me LOL I never used to be that way until he slipped, and heck they dont live and deal with a dry drunk so I have the right haaaaaaaa

Two, my circle of friends are of 15 yrs to 30 of friendship, very close.. so it is hard to change them LOL I do have a few I just dont talk to anymore because they are tired of asking us to do things and I always say no, couples that want us to hang out. And others we still see but I try to only attend things they wont be drinking, so it is limited. Not that they are all alcoholics (or maybe they are I dont know) but it just seems that is all anyone ever does. And the two close people on his side, their wives are glued to their wine bottle. I just need to get over the fact that it is going to be around us HE has to deal with his problem. We dont hang at bars either, in the summer we would go see an outside band by water or once in a blue moon pool and darts, but since he slipped and dry drunk I wont do any of it! I dont have to drink by any means, I just miss my glass of wine at times ecsp when we are at a nice Italian dinner.

We have our things we do on our own but Tom and I do pretty much everything together mainly because we have so much fun together and want to (on our good days heeeeeeee) hence he is my best friend so it isnt that big of a deal. Until I am comfortable I just wont hang out with them when they are drinking. BUT we do need to meet a few NON drinking couples, that would be nice for a change, just dont know how to do that.
And this you say right here But I also know that nothing changes, if nothing changes you ARE so right! I hear some people and even on here say it is their problem only and you shouldnt have to change etc. I am sorry I disagree on that, you simply cannot keep temptation in front of any addict over and over and over that is just cruel. We have our boundaries, maybe someday I can get back to a little normal and where I will not worry so much (and concentrate on him so much) but I am going to be careful and watch things knowing he is struggling. Do I resent it, heck yes, but I am choosing him and to stay so.. LOL

I wish you all the best, sounds like things are going well for you. I like to see and hear the good too.... keeps me lifted

 

 

HI pinkchip and good morning :)  I dont really agree with the fact you have to tell everyone you are an alcoholic,  I am sure everyone has their opinion on this and people on here are certainly more exp in this than I am....  does an "A" have to be completely open and tell he is sick in order to get better? I am reaching out on this question.  Is this a fact or an opinion?

 His drug and alcoholic therapist and the one we see together both said when it comes to friends and family (mine his friends and family know) that the less said the better for us.  I dont think anyone would judge him because he is so we liked and the see he does treat me good (90% of the time) but at the same time I dont think dirty laundry needs to be known by all. 

I personally have to let it go and let be what will be.  When he says he isnt feeling like he should be around booze I respect that and when he says it is ok I have to trust that.  This is my struggle.

And yes trying to be a sponsor or drug counselor did drive me NUTS that is why I am learning on here and letting go or dethatching as I see it called has helped.  And the books I am reading is helping me even more. And when I attend a F-to-F meeting I am sure I will be even stronger (I hope).  

 

Good morning - milkwood I hope all is well.... He doesnt try to put the responsibility on me I do that on my own!! We can be our own worst enemy right LOL  Our therapist said I can make it worse by avoiding situations, you are absolutely correct!  So trying to learn this detachment thing better, give to HP and breathe, not there yet J

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Wednesday 16th of October 2013 06:52:13 AM

Greetings,

I came to the conclusion that if I felt any resentment seeds growing in my thinking about something, then I was probably doing something wrong - for me. AH has tried from time to time to put the responsibility of his not drinking onto others including me - pulling a long face and flogging himself by behaving like a leper. This is usually 7-10 days before he starts drinking again

So I try to hand the responsibility back to him.

For me it is a mistake to try to avoid situations where friends are, whether they be drinking or not, because we are social animals at heart. If AH decides not to go out and I would like to see my chums then I accept the invite and go with them on my own. If we both go and there is drink on the table it is up to AH to decide if he is going to have a drink or not. I think that he is capable of doing this and I think that I undermine his capability to make those decisions if I'm doing it for him.

Thanks! Ya, he does say that. He always says No thank you I do not drink of course we all know some people are SHOCKED when they hear this from anyone LOL. And if it is someone who says Oh come on, its on me he gets a little more firm and says NO thank you, I do not drink. A couple months ago he just walked away from the person because they insisted. So I think he handles it ok, it is just we dont want / need everyone knowing. His family knows BUT they do not know he struggles with dry drunk and YES he needs to let them know this is still an issue, and he comes from a Irish family and they ALL drink!!! And I do not think his entire extended family knows so I am not looking forward to the holidays with them. I guess I need to talk to him more on this. We have Therapy next week, I think I will add this to my topic.

I dont tell my family, for 1. they dont drink, they might offer a glass of wine once in a blue moon out of courtesy but there isnt any drinking in my family. We have / had four alcoholics. My moms mom and father (who have now passed), my uncle who is 30 yrs sober (great man) and my cousin who is 4 yrs sober. So booze isnt around much at all. And two they are worry warts especially my mom. My friends, I dont know why I just dont think they need to know and most of them are cool when we say no thank you they could care less if we drink or not. But it is still there and that is my big thing. Key word MY. The ones who are pushers, yes, I am choosing to stay out of drinking settings with them.

The 'dry drunks' is not a seperate issue from alcoholism. I think it means the person is an alcoholic who is not getting treatment for the 'isms' that caused it in the first place. Until your husband deals with the 'isms' his sobriety is at risk. In my experience the 'isms' are mental health issues like immaturity, over sensitivity, resentment, anger, self pity. All of which I know that we who live with alcoholism suffer from too. Do you attend face to face meetings? They will help you get more knowledge about this disease and crucially its effect on you. Your recovery comes first even before his.

Good for you, you are willing and that is half the battle. Im glad you have found this forum, its a lifeline for many people. The courage to change is great, it has an index at the back which will direct you to certain pages as you need them. The welcome pack for me was just what I needed. The books and other literature can be overwhelming in the beginning but there are little nuggets in the welcome pack that get you started at a gentle pace. Where I stay there are no beginners meetings at all, there are just meetings. So its great that your area is so well resourced but every meeting will have welcome packs and will welcome newcomers. I have never been to a meeting where I didnt get something from it.Im glad you are here at the start of an amazing journey.x

You are not responsible for keeping him sober anymore than you were responsible for his  drinking , pushing old friends away only keeps you isolated . Enjoy your friends and let husb make his own decisions and as for his attitude  *dry drunk*  behavior is on him not you . We cannot protect these guys from themselves. Get the focus back on yourself he's a big boy he will make his own choices regardless of what you say or do .